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#404085 - 07/19/12 04:37 PM Re: Desensitization Therapy [Re: WriterKeith]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Hi kieth.

I don't think you calling yourself a nutcase is the least bit fare. that would imply that your reactions are out of proportion to your experiences, which doesn't sound the case at all. In fact I'm amazingly sorry to hear what happened to you.

I also know myself that a lot of survivers including me have reactions and behaviours caused by traumer that most of society wouldn't understand, ---- heck I get this every time I go to a swimming pool wearing some waterproof shorts and shirt.

Please don't think that I'm trying to trump your experiences with mine, or trying the "who's got it worse" game, sinse one thing I certainly learnt very quickly when I started on ms, is that that is a really bad route to go down. I just share my experiences in the general hope that sinse they've vaguely in the same catagory of experience, they could be usefull, just as I appreciate reading about the experience of others on this site. yes, everyone's experience will be different, but equally there will be some similarities, ----- how much of each is probably up to the individuals involved to decide, however it's sharing these that hopefully something usefull can be found.

After all, both the "nobody can everr! understand me!" and the "I know everything about you because we're the same" stances are pretty useless and incorrect.

As regards my own desensatization in hopes of fixing my genophobia I'm not exactly sure. i'll go on trying for myself, but I'm not certain how this will work, or if it will work at all. Still, sinse this is somthing I've not been able to do anything with for five years, we'll see how it goes. If it proves not tow ork I've not lost anything.

the frustrating thing in my case is I believe that if I could! experience the actual thing itself, namely s/x with someone I love, the nature of that experience would be so utterly different to my own abuse I would have a hole new set of associations and themes to draw on. Right now for instance it's absolutely true that the physically closest I've ever come to a girl was while having my face spat in and being called a fucking bastard, so it's entirely logical that whenever I come close to this, even vaguely close, all of my internal landscape is filled with pain and unpleasant situations, and that I try to avoid this as much as possible by keeping as physically distant from people as possible and making sure I only react physically in private.

it actually really hurts to think that for everything that was done to me, the gang rape and repeated public s/xual humiliations, I've never once been kissed on the lips.

As I said above, not attempting to compare anything here, just sharing experiences.


Edited by dark empathy (07/19/12 04:39 PM)

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#404143 - 07/20/12 01:23 AM Re: Desensitization Therapy [Re: WriterKeith]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
DE, I can't say thanks enough for your thoughts here. I think you're brilliant. cool
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#404189 - 07/20/12 11:36 AM Re: Desensitization Therapy [Re: WriterKeith]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks, ---- I think.

I find it very difficult to recognize what you've said, but that is only my inability to believe I can do anything worth while, which makes praise dam hard to take (give me cryticism any day).

I am however glad for your sake that some of it was helpfull.

Luke.


Edited by dark empathy (07/20/12 11:37 AM)

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#404191 - 07/20/12 11:59 AM Re: Desensitization Therapy [Re: WriterKeith]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
DE-

I think you're brilliant, too. Doesn't mean I aways agree 100% with everything you've said. But your point of view and insights are invaluable to the discussions here. I always read the thread when I see dark empathy is a contributer. What you're doing is VERY worthwhile!

-Scott
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#404195 - 07/20/12 12:29 PM Re: Desensitization Therapy [Re: WriterKeith]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Keith,

Up to about 3 years ago, I've always had phobias related to male Dentists and Doctors. I could never figure it out until I was forced to confront my abuse.

I was always abused by males and was unconsciously trying to forget the "dirty" events from a prior life.

Then I had a Female doctor for when I had a seizure in my mid 50's for the first time. I'll admit that for little while I had the same fear from her but with each vist it got easier and easier to talk about different things and after a couple of years I could talk to her about anything.

I also now have a Female dentist and again for the first time in years, I actually don't have the fear that I always felt going to the dentist even going so far as to wait until my last full day in the Navy so I wouldn't have to get treated.

Also, the idea of taking your own BP is an excellent idea. I have been doing it for a few years no. When I go to my doctor, all she wants is for me to have it written out rather than just show her on the BP machine.
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#404214 - 07/20/12 06:27 PM Re: Desensitization Therapy [Re: WriterKeith]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
Great idea, SJ. I may get there. I'm moving toward it.

This is my biggest secret. I haven't talked about it much because it's usually passed off with, "Oh, he faints at the sight of blood. What a pansy,...a ha ha ha ha ha." That's what my father would say...at church gatherings, to the restaurant waitress, to extended family gatherings, and then he'd glare at me in content as I retreated in silent horror. He knew he had created these symptoms by assaulting me and he knew I couldn't defend myself because I couldn't talk about the sexual assault.

He did this all my life. His voice, the laughter of a sick monster, echoes every time someone laughs at me about it. It's a lot to wade through. Somehow I'll get there.

I should have explained, the blood pressure thing.. that particular area of my upper arm is where my father held me down to the floor while he wired my wrists and ankles in place for the assaults. My body reacts like it's under attack when anyone or anything touches me there.

There have been 3 times when I went unconscious because of a trigger and I fainted, yet my body still crawled or walked and attempted to escape. I broke lamps, cut my feet, ran into furniture and doors, broke 2 toes, bloodied my nose, and blackened my eye. That's why therapists cautioned me not to try desensitization on my own. Self-treatment can be very dangerous in some cases.

Thanks for helping with this thread, guys. Again, I have to think there are many others out there.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#404259 - 07/21/12 10:37 AM Re: Desensitization Therapy [Re: WriterKeith]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Kieth.

I'm extremely sorry to here such things happened, that really is distinctly sick, and quite understandable why having the blood pressure monitor on your arm in that place would be such a reminder.

Taking your own blood pressure might help, though equally sinse it's such a specific event and trigger I'm not sure. However, sinse it is! so specifically related to your upper arm, you might investigate alternative methods of taking blood pressure. I believe for instance that it can be taken with a stethescope like device on the chest, though I could be wrong on this. Either way, it's very rare that there is anything in medicine that has one, and only one method of testing, ---- indeed this is something I'm familiar with myself sinse attempts to take my ocular pressure with the standard device always fail due to scarring on my cornia that makes the readings innaccurate and require various other methods.

Perhaps if that specific trigger associated with your upper arm could be avoided with another method, the rest of the process of having a standard medical examination would be something you could more easily come to terms with.

Scot, as to disagreeing with me, feel free to. I will not hold the fact that someone has an opposing view to mine against anyone, sinse i'm quite aware my views on any subject are mine and thus could well be wrong.

Studdying philosophy for a number of years really teaches you how to disagree amicably, because if your not able to do that you end up a completely bigotted, intolerant, self righteous pig, and there are several academics I know who fit this description.

My tutor is a man I have a huge amount of respect for and admire very deeply, ---- that doesn't change the fact that I disagree with him on several issues.

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