So, the relief of having a hook to hang the behaviors is wearing off slightly. Finding these boards has been a tremendous help - answers, support, and some genuinely awesome people. Now I'm finding myself a bit stuck in my thinking.
I'm not a mental health expert. (Those words taste like crap, btw!) The dynamics of my partner and my six year relationship seem to fit everything I'm finding though.
The kicker is that he does not know that I'm on these boards. He doesn't know the extent of my own recovery work and how it includes the mental/emotional abuse from our relationship of yesteryear. I'm making amends. Ive apologized many times - for specific things when I remember them. Sincere apologies that I really mean, too.
He is also not actively addressing the issues the abuse that I'm aware of. I'm trying not to take his inventory (for my 12 step friends!) beyond those loving qualities and characteristics and those other behaviors that can harm me right now. Everything else is his to deal with on his own terms. I realize that if I acted on my desire to shake him and beg him to deal with the issues, there's a real chance nothing good can come of it.
With all that said. Where to from here? Has anyone else been the same boat? Where and how did you find support?
I got an email from a family member of his dripping with contempt, shame, and anger for the way I treated him when my life was falling apart and my P was AWOL. I'm not proud of how I behaved, but I'm changing that today and tomorrow, and I've apologized to my P for that. Thr email names his abuser and compares me to him. I'm being used as an outlet for someone else's shame a guilt for not intervening 20+ years ago, and it blows.
It seems like this issue is at the surface for so many of us, but less of an issue for my P right now. Where to from here? Is there a book "When they don't know you know"??
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.