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#40375 - 04/22/05 10:21 PM This land of extremes
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I don't know if it was my family or the SA, but I live in this world of extremes. All or nothing, black or white. He likes talking to me 24 hours a day, he doesn't ever want to see me again. I am great, I am nothing. So happy, so depressed. Sexy, unwantable.

I don't know anything about bipolar. Anybody here have experience with bipolar or know what it is? I have such high highs, but such low lows. I might bring this up to my doctor, as if he can do anything about it. I keep saying my phrase, "I don't have to be bad" like the SA trained me to be. But sometimes it sounds so appealing. At least I live in imagined acceptance there. The aftershocks are terrible, though.

Today's low is about feeling abandoned. And that's not medical, so it's probably not bipolar. I came from such a cold, distant family. They're still that way. It's like growing up in a cold, empty place where nothing survives. And I've been dealing with the fact that I was abused for years now with nobody to talk to about it outside of therapy. This site was like having real food for the first time in a month. People who care and understand. I can say every nightmare inside me and a man will respond that he's felt the same way. I cannot explain what that is like. Like being half dead in the desert and somebody pouring water on me. I write and write like I can't stop, this pain and years of trauma pouring out of me. And I'm able to say that I understand, too, when reading so many posts here. I don't want to belong here, but I feel like I do. One friend couldn't take it here, and I'm a reminder of everything he's trying to avoid. When he needs help, he says he'll let me know. I understand completely. But it saddens me a little. My world of extremes. Another tie to life lost. So I'm left back here. I have a good life. One face gone for a while, taking a break. Why do I feel so sad? Maybe it's selfish. He encouraged me, gave me a spark in life I hadn't felt in a while, because his experiences with his family and life were so similar to mine. I felt like a brother. He'll be back. So what's the big deal?

I wrote in another thread about mourning our losses, and I've lost so much. I never had a family, so it can't be the loss of my family. It has to be the loss of the hope of having a family. That's the loss. Knowing that nothing good will ever come from that tree. I've lost goals to this SA. I lost my hero, my grandfather, to death when I was only 6, and my family being the secretive bunch they are, they never told me. I thought they took him away somewhere. I survived by living most of my time outside in the forest around our house. So my evil dad moved us to the city where we were stuck inside with him or with no parents at all while they worked. Even my horse died last year. I don't mean for this to be a sob story. I just think that SA makes us need something good to replace it, something that makes us feel connected and whole, and in my life everything that really meant something to me was ripped from my heart. So what's one more face leaving for what will probably only be a couple of weeks? It's a reminder. Maybe a flashback of a different kind, the "fact" that I'm not allowed to feel close to anything. And in this prison that is my mind, the penalty for feeling is losing another piece of me.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#40376 - 04/23/05 09:32 PM Re: This land of extremes
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
FF, I am sorry reading this and forgive me if I dont respond the way I really would like to.
I think you sum up the way life really can be so much high or low, how it can be black and white, or out of focus.
I am lucky to live in a place of forests and wildlife, real places to just go out and be alone in the beauty of life, and I live here since I was a kid, but I remember always running away to the forests, or to the beach when I was a kid.
It must have been so bad to be taken away from that, and I can imagine some of the hurt there.
It might be hard in here, yeah, it can be tough, it can hurt, but going back on the hurt, although tough at the time, lets a little bit out.
I cry when I read some of the posts here, and it it is the best thing for me, cos nothing else makes me cry, but maybe I see crying as healing.
Dunno, but mb as a kid I did so much crying, but it was a release from hurt, and it is a safe release, but only in a place like this would we find men admitting to crying,

you be ok, you got us here,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#40377 - 04/24/05 04:27 AM Re: This land of extremes
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
FF,
Thanks again for your post. Here are my thoughts:

1) There are a number of excellent websites on Bi-Polar. Just do a google search.

2) Bi-Polar is usually marked by long periods of depression and mania although some cases are called rapid cycling.

3) You discussed DID on my thread. Disasssociation is a huge symptom of Borderline. So is the fear of abandonment and th all or nothing thinking. I am a true Borderline.

4) Bi-Polar and Borderline look very much alike. Both require the proper meds and lots of therapy.

Just know that you are not rowing this boat alone.

Hang in there.

Danny


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