Welcome to MS.
I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.
You may feel irreparably damaged, but you are not. It will take a lot of work and perseverance, but you can heal from what was done to you. It is not uncommon to accept the responsibility for what was done to us. But the truth is, neither you, me nor anyone else here "invited" the abuse. It was something done to
us. We didn't want it and we didn't cause it.
You speak of being afraid of your anger/ rage and how it gets diverted. It is a very common reaction. Sometimes it can feel that if you allow yourself to feel or express that rage that you will never stop. It can feel like a monster you always have to keep caged, lest it destroy you and everyone and everything around you.
In time you will be able to express those feelings. They will not destroy you or those around you. Expressing that rage will free up the emotional energy it is taking to keep it under control.
You are neither "whiny" nor "weak" for discussing your childhood or what you endured. You have every right to feel hurt and angry about what you endured.
Comparing what you endured to what others have endured is an unfair comparison to make. By comparing your experiences with others you are doing yourself a disservice. It diminishes your experiences. The truth is, all abuse is bad, and it never should have happened.
If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping
. Psychology Today
has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.
There are several books you might find useful.
Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter
Victims No Longer by Mike Lew
I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore
Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.
At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.
We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles.
They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.
Again, welcome to MS.