Hey. I'm new on this site.

Brief Summary...My father, who was physically abusive, started molesting me when I was eleven. It continued until I was fifteen. There may have been stuff earlier, but it's all a void before.
Two years ago my fiancee was able to put pieces together and asked me point blank if I'd been sexually abused, which re-released many of the things I'd thought I'd gotten rid of. It turns out I still have many issues that are unresolved.

Today, my life is better than it has ever been. But I still feel broken.

I feel as though my past has damaged me in a way that can't be remedied. Emotionally, I still take the blame for the stuff that happened with my father. I know the onus should be on him, and sometimes I almost grasp that notion intellectually. I still feel guilty. I'm still confused. I believe at some level I wanted it, and I encouraged it. I should feel angry about it, but somehow that rage gets diverted. I'm scared of getting angry, because I still don't know how to control it. I see my father as two separate people; there's the man I interact with today, and my childhood memory of him. I can't reduce him to being a total monster. I still love him, and in many ways pity him. I see him as being sad and sick. When discussing my childhood, I feel whiny and weak. Sure, parts of it sucked, but there are many people who have survived much worse. What is my excuse? I don't feel anything. I know there is something there, because whenever I talk about it, my body shuts down. I've been terrified of sex and intimacy. I've been terrified of both men and women. I have always felt alone.

I want to feel whole.

The future seems daunting.

I hope this helps. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Thanks for having me.

-Will

Hi wh, WELCOME to MS and thankyou for telling your story i know how hard it was for me to write my story , i must admit it was even harder sitting down and telling my youngest sister ,i have been seeing a therapist for almost 12 months , i still have good and bad days , on my bad days i still feel the same way that you do .
I am sure that you will make many friends here ,please remember that you are not alone mate we are all here for you .Andrew...

Dear Will,

you've come to a good place that can really help. glad you've made some progress - hope you'll make more as you work through stuff here with other guys who understand. we are in this together - and you are not alone.

much of your story sounds very familiar. share more as you are able. the interaction has really helped me.

welcome, and glad to have you with us!

Lee

Hi Will. Glad you've joined us. I'm sure that once you start reading some of the posts its gonna click and you'll realize some things that you hadn't really articulated to yourself. At least that's what I always do. Be sure to read the resources that the greeters provide. All the articles linked on the Male Survivor main page are worth a read, my new favorite is Disclosure and Confrontation.

My sexual abuse came at the hands of a stranger then my mom helped shame and blame me for my dysfunction. That article has really helped me put words to my experience so that I could try to bridge the love/ hate dichotomy. Framing your feelings does so much to instruct your healing moving forward. All the best!

-Scott

Thanks! You guys totally made me feel welcome. I was really nervous about sharing. Really appreciate the feed back. I will read the disclosures and confrontation.

Hi Will and welcome to Male survivor.
I found this place and community very helpful, I can't imagine how my life looked before all that.
Take your time and slowly get familiar with tools that are offered to us (Healing circle chat sessions, regular chat, articles and books, sharing trough writing etc).
I hope you'll find your way to connect to other survivors, sharing stuff and giving support to others is adding value tremendously to my healing.
Be well!
Pero

Hi Will, Thanks for your introduction. Glad you're here.

Hi Will,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

You may feel irreparably damaged, but you are not. It will take a lot of work and perseverance, but you can heal from what was done to you. It is not uncommon to accept the responsibility for what was done to us. But the truth is, neither you, me nor anyone else here "invited" the abuse. It was something done to us. We didn't want it and we didn't cause it.

You speak of being afraid of your anger/ rage and how it gets diverted. It is a very common reaction. Sometimes it can feel that if you allow yourself to feel or express that rage that you will never stop. It can feel like a monster you always have to keep caged, lest it destroy you and everyone and everything around you.

In time you will be able to express those feelings. They will not destroy you or those around you. Expressing that rage will free up the emotional energy it is taking to keep it under control.

You are neither "whiny" nor "weak" for discussing your childhood or what you endured. You have every right to feel hurt and angry about what you endured.

Comparing what you endured to what others have endured is an unfair comparison to make. By comparing your experiences with others you are doing yourself a disservice. It diminishes your experiences. The truth is, all abuse is bad, and it never should have happened.

If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.




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