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#403703 - 07/15/12 04:32 PM GROWING pains!@*
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1401
Loc: California
Hi my brothers,

I just had a bewildering and painful experience.

My mom called. You see, we don't have a good relationship. We don't have much of a relationship at all, in fact. She simply should have never had kids, she is incapable of love. She's a narcissist and a professional victim.

The story is long but the result is this - I have learned very slowly and very painfully that it is impossible for me to have a healthy and loving relationship with my mom. Not because I'm at fault, but because she is incapable or unwilling.

She called me today, first time in many months. She calls to let me know her number is changing. Then she starts talking about her life and stuff thats going on and who's she's talking to. Usual. Then she mentions that she was talking one of her sisters -- - a sister that has betrayed both me and my mom.

I experienced an emotion so immediate and so urgent that I felt the need to communicate the emotion. I was initially confused, but I felt hurt, and pain, and then I realized I felt betrayed. My mom was relating with someone who had betrayed my trust multiple times, and I felt betrayed because my mom made this choice - relating to my aunt (her sister) above honoring trustworthy relationships.

I was so hurt. I said so. I spoke slowly and clearly - but mostly slowly - finding the right words to communicate the emotions in my heart.

My mom asked me if I was going to hang up on her - as I usually did when I became angry in the past.

I said "no." And I just sat with my feeling - hurt. Pain. I asked her if she understood why I felt why I felt - I felt very hurt hearing this. I tried to stay as present to the immediate moment - my feelings about what was happening at that moment, and communicating them. I was also respectful, aware of my mom's presence. I could feel that she was becoming emotionally upset at my asking if she understood why I was feeling hurt. But I felt perfectly fine expressing my pain and sorrow without remorse and without anger.

And then it occurred to me that this wasn't the first time she's done this - she did the same thing with my biological father - a long time ex of hers. He emotionally abused me and she chose to keep her friendship with him in spite of how much he had hurt me.

I described this to her on the phone. Without thinking, I just said what I felt I needed to say - that I was feeling very hurt and sitting with the feeling.

She suddenly got emotional and said she needed to get off the phone. She hung up.

I started to cry. As I write this, I know that I have more crying to do. But I cried, feeling so much pain that the deep sorrow I have carried my whole life for never having had a mother I could simply trust.

What makes this experience particularly bewildering is that I feel some measure of gratitude.

I am not angry. I could choose to be, but for what? I feel hurt and betrayed. There is no sense in getting angry over it. My mom is who she is, and she's completely clueless on how to have a relationship with me. My getting angry only complicates things, and so I have decided to stop being angry.

And here I am. Ow this hurts, but wow - after I'm done feeling sad, I can really choose how I want to feel about this!

Wow.

D


_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#403709 - 07/15/12 05:25 PM Re: GROWING pains!@* [Re: Magellan]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
You are the hero of MY life! Well done, Dave. Instead of impulsively reacting to a hurtful comment, you are aware of your body, and can not only calm yourself but you verbalized these feelings and shared them with someone. Not just someone, an emotional abuser! WoW!

This is remarkable progress, and it encourages me not to be imprisoned by the thoughtlessness of those who should be a safe place for us. You are becoming that safe haven for yourself, that is the miracle of recovery.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#403713 - 07/15/12 06:28 PM Re: GROWING pains!@* [Re: Magellan]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Magellan, it is good to see you here smile
Wow, you indeed showed some strength and maturity there!
I'm sorry that you never had mother whom you could trust.
That is terrible and that really hurts.
I think that you did great by accepting her as person and all toxic things that she put on your back. You can't change her, you are felt hurt inside but as well at peace with all circumstances and you were capable to bring that stuff into communication under YOUR TERMS and respecting YOUR FEELINGS. You show maturity and inner strength, you weren't victim but someone who is capable to take care and protect self, someone equal in strength to abusive surroundings, someone who is moving forward even that hurts a lot.
I call all that HEALING! Thanks for sharing with us.
I love you man and I dare to tell that aloud smile
Pero (a.k.a Igor)
_________________________
My story

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#403731 - 07/15/12 09:29 PM Re: GROWING pains!@* [Re: Magellan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3357
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Magellan

I was so hurt. I said so. I spoke slowly and clearly - but mostly slowly - finding the right words to communicate the emotions in my heart.
...
I tried to stay as present to the immediate moment - my feelings about what was happening at that moment, and communicating them. I was also respectful, aware of my mom's presence. ... But I felt perfectly fine expressing my pain and sorrow without remorse and without anger.
...
What makes this experience particularly bewildering is that I feel some measure of gratitude.

I am not angry. I could choose to be, but for what? I feel hurt and betrayed. There is no sense in getting angry over it. My mom is who she is, and she's completely clueless on how to have a relationship with me. My getting angry only complicates things, and so I have decided to stop being angry.

And here I am. Ow this hurts, but wow - after I'm done feeling sad, I can really choose how I want to feel about this!


WOW indeed!

do you realize how healthy this is?

This shows a level or maturity and self-understanding and appropriate use of strength and ability to communicate that i have rarely observed in "normal" people.

good job, man!

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#403745 - 07/16/12 12:42 AM Re: GROWING pains!@* [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1401
Loc: California
Thanks, you guys!

@Sam "..those who should be a safe place for us". Wow. Thank you for saying that. As proud as I am for not being angry, the pain still hurts, and I wonder, still, if I am responsible or to blame for the failure of my relationship with my mom. My mom NEVER made me feel emotionally safe. Ever. Thank you for saying what you said. It helps me keep perspective when I start to wonder if I'm being an ungrateful, spoiled son.

@Pero ...Thank you for affirming the truth. you are right. I recognized the moment and my feelings in the moment and spoke my truth, while not needing to feel angry. That IS a sign of maturity and inner strength! Thank you for putting it that way!

@Lee - I'm humbled by your respect. Thank you. I don't know how to respond to such a compliment! I appreciate your acknowledgment and a part of me is ashamed to admit that. smile

But I'll take it!

D




Edited by Magellan (07/16/12 12:45 AM)
Edit Reason: clarity
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#403757 - 07/16/12 04:40 AM Re: GROWING pains!@* [Re: Magellan]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1344
Hi Magellan,

Congratulations for you for choosing the healthier response to your emotionally unavailable and abusive mother.

As I was reading your post I noticed how your mother used the information of her changing her phone number as the "hook" for her real motivation for calling you. Namely, that she wanted to tell you of her conversations with her sister, etc.

As long as you were the passive listener to what she had to say, she was fine.

The moment you asked her if she was hearing you - really hearing you and the pain you were expressing, she hung up.

The interaction was no longer about her. As a result, she didn't have an interest in continuing the contact.

It hurts to have someone so self absorbed that they are not willing to hear the pain of another, let alone offer to soothe it. That pain is compounded when the disinterested party is a parent.

You asked whether or not you are "responsible" or "to blame" for the "failure" of your relationship with your mother.

The answer is a resounding NO!

You said it yourself "she NEVER made me feel emotionally safe. EVER." The difficulties in your relationship with your mother has everything to do with her narcissism. You were not responsible as a child and you are not responsible as an adult, for taking care of your mothers feelings.

But as the adult who is gaining insight and the inner strength to utilize that insight, you are responsible for how you choose to interact with your mother.

You chose not to be manipulated by your mother, both by what she was telling you, and again by her emotional reaction.

I am sorry you are hurting.

I applaud that you chose not react to your mother and that you chose to empower yourself to meet your needs.

Kudos to you. smile




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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