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#401905 - 06/27/12 09:09 AM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1372
Loc: kansas
i may have to join in you in the naive department d...

i agree with you... when i first came to ms, and read many of the stories in the survivor stories section, i thought "why am i even here?"... " my abuse wasn't as bad, as horrid, as violent as many of these guys."... i felt like i didn't belong here because i read the stories that made me feel like my abuse was a walk in the park....

but that's when many of the guys said to me abuse is abuse....

that we shouldn't put other's, or even ourselves, abuse on different levels.. who had it worse.... *shakes head*....

IT DOESN'T MATTER!

we've all been abused... we should be helping one another... not dividing each other up....

let's start respecting each other and help each other....
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#401927 - 06/27/12 12:25 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
J.Bytendorp Offline
User
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/09/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Salt Lake CIty, Utah
Thank you all for your support and your words, I think you are all very amazing for your willingness to speak out about your experience and what you need. It can by very scary and stressful to open and get the support and help that we may need. I remember when I first started my healing process and how I felt that my story was so unique and different that no one could understand me. I had friends tell me their stories of abuse, I went to a support group for male survivors and heard their stories and disengaged and at times dissociated because of my feelings. Even though my feelings were valid at that time, it was a crutch that I used to keep myself in a safe place. Healing can be difficult one thing that I was reminded of was that everyone's story is unique, no matter what your story is the pain is real. I now realize that from my perspective, even two ASA's stories are going to be different let alone any other survivors. Doesn't make it better or worse more sever or less, rape and sexual assault is rape and sexual assault no matter who you are.

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#402852 - 07/07/12 09:42 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
true J.but statistics indicate adult survivors of adult assault experience a life and death scenario more than csa. it didnt help me when my therapist who meant well tried to equate me to a 5 yr old. it comes off as a tad patronizing.
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#402877 - 07/08/12 11:39 AM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: prisonerID]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1447
Originally Posted By: prisonerID
When a man who has been through CSA states that his abuse is worse than mine I cringe. When a man who has been through ASA says his abuse is worse than the man who has experienced CSA I also cringe.

In the last couple of years I have cringed quite often.

I honestly do not know why anyone would categorize pain like that.

I have felt slighted by comments made in the last few years and have seen men who went through ASA slight those who experienced CSA.

I do not think either are necessary or should be tolerated. What one wants from others one must be willing to give. And above all else I would certainly think respect and understanding would be at the top of the list.

Perhaps I am as naive as some have told me.

Daryl

I could not have stated it better. I have read through this thread a few times and wasn't going to add anything to it, but in contrast to the sentiment expressed above, one particular post really stood out (italicization added)...

Quote:
adult male rape is VIOLENT more often than not.
It is not being molested.
It was Rape. someones penis went in me without my consent.
thats not just getting felt up for a popsicle.


I am not going to comment further on this one - I think the statement stands on its own and exemplifies one of the reasons I don't always feel welcome on this side of town.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#402934 - 07/08/12 09:48 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: Chase Eric]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
Originally Posted By: prisonerID
When a man who has been through CSA states that his abuse is worse than mine I cringe. When a man who has been through ASA says his abuse is worse than the man who has experienced CSA I also cringe.

In the last couple of years I have cringed quite often.

I honestly do not know why anyone would categorize pain like that.

I have felt slighted by comments made in the last few years and have seen men who went through ASA slight those who experienced CSA.

I do not think either are necessary or should be tolerated. What one wants from others one must be willing to give. And above all else I would certainly think respect and understanding would be at the top of the list.

Perhaps I am as naive as some have told me.

Daryl

I could not have stated it better. I have read through this thread a few times and wasn't going to add anything to it, but in contrast to the sentiment expressed above, one particular post really stood out (italicization added)...

Quote:
adult male rape is VIOLENT more often than not.
It is not being molested.
It was Rape. someones penis went in me without my consent.
thats not just getting felt up for a popsicle.


I am not going to comment further on this one - I think the statement stands on its own and exemplifies one of the reasons I don't always feel welcome on this side of town.


it's important to be respectful of the experiences of others, even if they are different or we don't understand. We can point out the differences.... like ASA is often very violent, and in contrast, CSA often has the appearance of being a trusting relationship between an adult and a child, when underneath it is anything but. One often involves luring and grooming, and the other often involves brute force. Both are traumas that affect male survivors and we should avoid using phrases like "worse than" or "just ____'ed" No one is ever "just" sexually abused.
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#403049 - 07/09/12 06:43 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: CruxFidelis]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
true. but why is it that in the adult forum, we keep having to focus on that (CSA). This should be for adults about adult trauma. and it never is. nearly every time csa matters hijack the threads. to be blunt, without offending... the CSA issue here is like a vortex. im not sure what more can be done. they have over 10 different forums here for their own issues. why cant this forum maintain its clear boundary for the few of us adults that are working on adult matters?
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#403113 - 07/10/12 08:17 AM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Tyr...It pisses me off. Ditto. Always the same instigators too.
Topics and comments with CSA comparisions should be removed by the forum moderator so we ASA members can have a SAFE place.
This is a unhealthy forum but l have nowhere else..I've looked.
I wonder if maybe this forum were restricted to ASA only...not dual CSA/ASA but only men with adult (16 YO) who were assaulted after their sexuality has been established.
Then threads with CSA issues immediatly be removed to the Male Survivor forum.
We need a safe forum.
My two best peer supporters of ASA who l used to communicate with here are gone...and others like me just felt bullied off the ASA Forum.
I even removed a non-conflictive beautiful post titled; Farewell, because l received PM's that hurt just prior from a CSA/ASA survivor. I reported it to Walking South and was told l could be banned for 30 days.
I conceded...l do not fight here.
I was even called a ds which is code l guess for "dick sucker"
_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#403170 - 07/10/12 03:24 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: Obi]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
because the same guys constantly instigate. they HAVE to be heard about their childhood stuff. and what you want to say you can't say. but it does NOT inspire confidence to hear them going from thread to thread talking about abuse is abuse. let this forum have its specific scope. Please, with respect I dont think its fair that they hijack everything. it distracts from real healing when we have to constantly remind CSA folk that they have 10 forums other than here to work thru their things. please let this place be specific in scope and allow for adult men to heal from adult issues. there are many other places for the other stuff. - let us have this.


Edited by Tyr (07/10/12 03:25 PM)
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#403175 - 07/10/12 04:02 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3618
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey guys, it really hurts seeing you (ASA brothers) in kind of isolation here, that really makes me sad.
Would be helpful that you make new thread like this: instructions for people posting in ASA or something like that?
And maybe write "non official" sort of guidelines for all of us here to act in desirable manner?
You could write there all what is on your mind, for example:
we don't want term CSA to be mentioned under this forum there are other forums specifically related to CSA problematic or
we don't want to make any comparison ASA-CSA survivors here and so on.
Would that be helpful at all?
I think that many guys are not aware of your problems and that you feel very isolated here (and in chat room too).
Some of survivors would certainly follow your wishes how to talk/write here, I'm sure in that.
Men_of_hrts.dbw I didn't notice that you deleted one of the most beautiful posts here - Firewall, just by reading your descriptions of nature, flowers, sounds of birds in trees and your insights to some specific moments like sunrise gave me feeling like being on Hawaiian island and I really liked that frown
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My story

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#403181 - 07/10/12 05:25 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: peroperic2009]
TheTwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Peroperic,

The point is why should we have to set up a specific thread, in the ASA FORUM, to pertain to ASA needs and healing, when the ASA Forum is supposed to be doing that?

I do feel VERY isolated here MUCH of thet time. It is part of why I post so sporadically and rarely.

I also feel this same isolation in chat, which is why I am not in chat very often.

I come in and read. I rarely post.

I do not begrudge ANYONE the need for healing.
Abuse is abuse. Yes.
Rape is rape. Yes.

But the ASA forum should be (at least how I perceive the forum's intent) for discussing issues associated with ADULT sexual assault and rape.

For folks who have experienced both, I would hope that they would discuss their CSA issues in CSA-geared folders, and their ASA issues in the ASA geared folder.

I am not trying to insult, offend, belittle, or upset anyone.

But this is how I feel.

Thanks.
_________________________
Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

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