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#403344 - 07/11/12 07:51 PM Experimentation (?)
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Up until a few months ago, my husband and I actually enjoyed a really wonderful and adventurous sex life. Once he started digging into abuse memories, it all stopped. His concerns were two-fold: first, triggering memories of abuse, and second, his fear that he objectifies me.

I have always been a willing participant and instigator of many aspects of our intimate life together. I have repeatedly assured him of this. I would like to resume our sex life, but I am really concerned about triggering him. His reply to this: take it slow, and if he triggers, to just be prepared to stop and hold him while he likely cries.

I don't know. This seems easier said than done. Have read some books on this, but I am curious if any other partners out there have experience in this area they would like to share?

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#403431 - 07/12/12 05:46 PM Re: Experimentation (?) [Re: Valkyrie]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Okay! By the crickets in the room, I will thus assume that either no one has successfully navigated this emotional landmine, or, we are all just a tad too modest in this area of discussion.

So I will bite the proverbial bullet in the name of partner-hood and will report back my findings!

...and hopefully will not be talking to myself in this sad little forum...although, that could be fun...I'm a great conversationalist once I get started...

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#403433 - 07/12/12 06:03 PM Re: Experimentation (?) [Re: Valkyrie]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
LOL. I'm afraid I have nothing to add here, but I'm waiting for the responses, too.;)

Unfortunately, my partner isn't working on the CSA stuff. For what it's worth, a lot of our dysfunction is being explained here. At this point, comforting him sounds like a wonderful space if it meant its the road to recovery for him and (hopefully) our relationship.

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#403445 - 07/12/12 08:22 PM Re: Experimentation (?) [Re: Valkyrie]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Val:
I think your partner has given you a green light to continue and has said how he thinks he will deal with it should it come. Many couples (if not most) have little discussion about what turns them on or off. I think your partner has said what he would like to do and perhaps is willing to discuss it with you if something goes wrong.

You probably have a good partner in this.

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#403472 - 07/13/12 04:07 AM Re: Experimentation (?) [Re: Valkyrie]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I second what Ken Said. I think that you need to go gently into that wild blue yonder.

My experience is thus.
Abused as a child and in order to cope I used porn, always woman, as many as possible and the most personal I would get with them is that I would know their names.
Now whilst I was being abused I would use these ladies as a movie in my head and believe that I was with them.

Fast forward 35 years and well I am doing the same with my wife, I am also looking at other woman constantly and sexualizing them. No one is sacred, friends, teachers whomever I could picture would become a part of my movie, so whilst I am in the throws of passion, I am thinking about friends being in bed with us, but I never thought of her (My wife)
Having to think about her, would mean that I cared for her, and I did not want to care for anyone.
So in 23 years together I don't think that I made love to her Once.???
We stopped sleeping together in October last year, but had not been intimate for a lot longer than that, suspect that we had not touched each other for over a year. I also moved out of the house for 4 months.
It was, In my the key to our healing. I needed time to reassess my life and she needed the space to reassess her life and wants and needs etc.
When I moved home, we skirted the issue of sex for a week, and finally I broached the subject, we did and well It was the first time in 23 years that I actually made love to her no one else in the room, just her. Although the actual act was average compared to previous encounters, for me it was the most awesome experience of my married life.

Healing does work.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#403666 - 07/15/12 01:41 AM Re: Experimentation (?) [Re: Valkyrie]
lostpartner32 Offline


Registered: 06/18/12
Posts: 16
Loc: southeast
My husband was in self destruction mode and it almost ended our marriage. We went from having great sex all the time in the beginning, to me almost having to force him to make love to me, he would lose his erections, not be able to climax, but that was until he finally hit rock bottom and told me about the abuse he suffered. We did not have sex for two months because he told me that sometimes sex trigerred him to think about his abuse. We started over and made out like teenagers for a while. I think knowing that it did not have to go any farther until he was ready made it easier for him. It has been a couple of weeks
since we have resumed having sex, and because of the openess between us now that was not there before, it is better now than it ever has been before. We have lots more intimate time (not sexual) and I think that makes it easier for him. If I had any advice for you, it would be to take it slow,
go back to when you were dating and start fresh. So far since this all came to a head, he says sex has not triggered him. I was terrified that it would, so I wish you luck with you husband.

now than it ever has been.

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#403676 - 07/15/12 08:21 AM Re: Experimentation (?) [Re: Valkyrie]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 747
Loc: michigan
i cant speak to how your partner may feel and I really don't consider myself adventurous but I know it can be very hard to keep my thoughts where I want them to be during sex. I wrote a thing a note about it for my wife and it is posted here
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...3356#Post393356 if you care to look there. its not much but I hope it helps
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#403692 - 07/15/12 01:59 PM Re: Experimentation (?) [Re: Valkyrie]
Kazbob12 Offline


Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 42
Hi,

Me and my partner havent actually explored this a whole lot, however we are both very aware it needs to be discussed and something that he wishes to address. He is practically asexual...we have not been intimate in 4 month in that sense although we will cuddle. He states this is the safer option. Which I totally get.

We have skirted the issue and he has said he doesn't understand why he goes through phases where he feels like it and then hes just not interested. When he does feel like it tho it is him who instigates and to be honest he is mainly intoxicated or high! I think this is his way of being 'able' to carry through with the 'action'. There have been times where Ive noticed be can be 'vacant' during sex and I'm gathering he is triggering at this time although he has never talked about it.

Its a tough one.... I stopped making the first move as I was getting knocked back quite a bit and felt I was pressuring him. I explained that and he was fine with that.....although sometimes I think he could do with a kick up the bum :-) x

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