Newest Members
JLB, MrsC, wraphd, blufish, JPmc
12437 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
carperson (26), Daryoush (59), Gary31 (48), Overburdened78 (33), scaredcrappie (29), ThomasO (63), Wornoutsoul (38), WRR (34), zakwilde005 (45)
Who's Online
2 registered (Bardo, 1 invisible), 16 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12437 Members
74 Forums
63848 Topics
445827 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#403680 - 07/15/12 09:48 AM My story **trigger**
matt123 Offline


Registered: 07/15/12
Posts: 2
Where to begin...

I suppose I was about 6-7 when it began. A family member would take turns babysitting my sister and I, seperatly whilst my parents where at the local markets each Sunday (there was only room for one of us in the car so we took turns).

I still to this day can not remember whole events, merely flashbacks from him making me touch and rub him in the shower, to being raped against a wall. This went on for years and i knew all along that it was wrong, but i liked it, it made me feel loved and wanted but has caused myself so many social and emotional problems that i can not even begin to explain but i will try because i think it will let me get my head around my issues.

Firstly, im 18 now, i consider myself a virgin and too afraid to commit to a relationship because im sexually confused. I confess, during difficult times of weeks, etc i slip into watching gay porn and after i feel so absolutely disgusting that i feel sick and physically dirty and have to shower to clean myself to get this thing off me but i cant. I want children, i want a wife, i want to be happy but constantly find myself isolating myself from the world, locking myself from the world because...because im afraid that if i could get to the point of sex, that nothing would happen and i would have to admit that im gay... which i dont want to be and deep deep deep down, i really dont think i am. I was "normal" before "it" happened.

On-top of social isolation, acute shyness, i suffer anxiety and have a degree of paranoia. I currently attend university, studying a bachelor of engineering and from the moment i get out of the car to the moment im in it, i feel every single eye ripping through me.

Im angry, confused, depressed, im just a total mess, all the time. Even this post is a total mess, i have no idea what to do, but i dont know if im at the point to seek help with a doctor, primarily because the thought of someone knowing frightens me so much even though i know they can help. Having bottled this up for more than 10 years has me a very emotionally expressionless person. Most people see me as a rock, never showing emotion, because i have never let it but underneath is a fking total disaster. I live with my mother, who, as far as i know has no idea. I hate myself for the way i treat my mother sometime, just yelling and arguing over nothing because im just to angry all the time, i dont know whether to scream or cry but deep down, i dont want to accept what happened to me.

I just hope that writing this will help me, because i cant live like this anymore

Top
#403691 - 07/15/12 01:51 PM Re: My story **trigger** [Re: matt123]
Afldman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/12/12
Posts: 67
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hi Matt.

First, a hardy welcome to the site. I feel a little awkward welcoming anyone, since I myselfe have been part of it only about 5 days, but there you go...

I felt compelled to respond to this post because you hit upon demons I have battled for 3 decades. I have one wish for you, that you can slay yours a lot faster than it has taken me (and I haven't even accomplished it yet).

Surf porn, feel horrible, try and clean it off yourself. Yup. I know that one.
Sexual identity issues? To this day.
Social isolation? Anxiety? Depression? Paranoia? All my life.

Will it get better? Well, it finally is for me. Now that I have a dedicated therapist, some meds, and a small group (1) who know and support me.

I don't advocate telling people as soon as you meet them (I tried that), but if you have a TRUE confidant, one you feel a real connection to and expect to have in your life for a while, then maybe try and let them into your private hell. Slowly. At your pace.

I know you'll make it through this. Keep working at it. Don't fear difference. That's what makes you, you.

Take care. Peter
_________________________
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Daliai Lama

Top
#403697 - 07/15/12 03:27 PM Re: My story **trigger** [Re: matt123]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1722
Hi Matt

the issues you mentioned are very common amongst survivors of CSA--who are we, are we valuable, why do we hurt ourselves. We were left so confused--we thought abuse was love and love was abuse. We thought if we could enjoy the acts done by our abuser we would be happy-never enjoyed it--only in my twisted mind did I believe it was the cure. But it only made everything worse.

People condemn me, but sometimes they should ask themselves if they have been sexually abused as a child, what would they be?

Stay strong, it took me over 45 years to get here--I am stronger than ever, surer who I am today than in my entire life, better sense of judgment in trusting people and damn I will not let anyone ever abuse me again from the CSA to being spat on or locked in a door or vandalizing all my personal property for years. It all is degrading and violating to the the human soul.

It will get better, time and patience and commitment are needed. But remember there will be times where the emotions of the abuse will be strong--I do not think they ever leave us fully. Learn and understand your triggers--I know many of mine-being spat on, locked in a room made to feel like the child who only knew the abuse and was told to enjoy, the PSU scandal and all certain words--"I am telling you" can set me off--those words the perp used I am telling you what to do, I am telling you you are enjoying it, I am telling you it is our secret--over and over. Once you learn the triggers the better you can control. It takes time and is never 100% full proof.

Keep going--you can and will make it through the difficult times. We are all here, trying to heal and move forward and we support each other.

Kevin


Edited by KMCINVA (07/15/12 03:32 PM)

Top
#403698 - 07/15/12 03:28 PM Re: My story **trigger** [Re: matt123]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Your story sounds a lot like mine as well... as much of it as I can remember, anyway.

The biggest difference is that you're dealing with it at 18 -- 10 years ahead of me. So in that sense, you're getting a head start on facing these demons and getting yourself to a better place.

It might not feel like it, but you're on the right track.

I agree with Peter that you need to be somewhat careful about who you tell and how you tell it, but you can certainly start with your mother. "Mom, I'm sorry I get angry with you sometimes, but when I was a kid, this thing happened and it is messing with my emotions. Just please try to bear with me, I'm getting help." -- something like that is a good start.

Also, I would recommend reaching out to someone at your university. Just casually ask an advisor about mental health services. Most universities have them (in America, anyway) and that's a good place to try to find someone you can trust to plant the seeds of a support network within the school, should you need help down the road.

For instance, my abuse came from a white-haired man and during graduate school, I had a white-haired professor who was triggering me badly, causing me to have irrational responses to his words and actions.

I communicated the situation to several administrators and it was the first time in the history of that institution that CSA was a factor in a student-professor situation. Although the outcome was not perfect (the admins first worry was that I might sue the school, and acted defensively, which wasn't my intent at all) -- it was very empowering to be open about my needs as a student and to have those needs heard, understood and eventually respected.

So, it's a slow process and you're taking your first steps. Talking about it (first here, then in the real world) the the best way to take power away from the abuse and to find ways to use the experience to empower yourself.

Send me a private message if you want to talk more.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

Top
#403699 - 07/15/12 03:49 PM Re: My story **trigger** [Re: matt123]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1412
Loc: California
Dear Matt,

I am astonished to read the similarities between our stories; the way you describe your feelings, how you are, and how you perceive your world. We're brothers here.

I remember hating myself for my homosexual attractions. It couldn't be, not after everything else I had to endure in childhood! The self hate, loathing, anger at the universe.

Your post made complete sense, and you expressed yourself eloquently. You're very thoughtful and concise.

I'm sorry you went through what you went through. I'm sorry any of us have to go through what we go through. But there it is, and here we are. We've had to endure various forms of hell on earth.

This forum is a tremendous resource. Please post more!

Part of our task is to learn how to love ourselves and each other and one of the ways we can begin to practice is by opening up and sharing our experiences. We need each other to learn who we are and have a magnificent recovery.

Your brother,

D

Originally Posted By: matt123
Where to begin...

I suppose I was about 6-7 when it began. A family member would take turns babysitting my sister and I, seperatly whilst my parents where at the local markets each Sunday (there was only room for one of us in the car so we took turns).

I still to this day can not remember whole events, merely flashbacks from him making me touch and rub him in the shower, to being raped against a wall. This went on for years and i knew all along that it was wrong, but i liked it, it made me feel loved and wanted but has caused myself so many social and emotional problems that i can not even begin to explain but i will try because i think it will let me get my head around my issues.

Firstly, im 18 now, i consider myself a virgin and too afraid to commit to a relationship because im sexually confused. I confess, during difficult times of weeks, etc i slip into watching gay porn and after i feel so absolutely disgusting that i feel sick and physically dirty and have to shower to clean myself to get this thing off me but i cant. I want children, i want a wife, i want to be happy but constantly find myself isolating myself from the world, locking myself from the world because...because im afraid that if i could get to the point of sex, that nothing would happen and i would have to admit that im gay... which i dont want to be and deep deep deep down, i really dont think i am. I was "normal" before "it" happened.

On-top of social isolation, acute shyness, i suffer anxiety and have a degree of paranoia. I currently attend university, studying a bachelor of engineering and from the moment i get out of the car to the moment im in it, i feel every single eye ripping through me.

Im angry, confused, depressed, im just a total mess, all the time. Even this post is a total mess, i have no idea what to do, but i dont know if im at the point to seek help with a doctor, primarily because the thought of someone knowing frightens me so much even though i know they can help. Having bottled this up for more than 10 years has me a very emotionally expressionless person. Most people see me as a rock, never showing emotion, because i have never let it but underneath is a fking total disaster. I live with my mother, who, as far as i know has no idea. I hate myself for the way i treat my mother sometime, just yelling and arguing over nothing because im just to angry all the time, i dont know whether to scream or cry but deep down, i dont want to accept what happened to me.

I just hope that writing this will help me, because i cant live like this anymore

_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

Top
#403730 - 07/15/12 09:21 PM Re: My story **trigger** [Re: matt123]
matt123 Offline


Registered: 07/15/12
Posts: 2
THank you all for your responses, im truly overwhelmed at the support you are offering. This has encouraged me to seek help, not face-to-face, but its a start. Here in Australia, the government runs a free online counselling service, so i will start there and see what happens

Thanks again

Top
#403792 - 07/16/12 12:36 PM Re: My story **trigger** [Re: matt123]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1722
Someone shared this link with me about the feelings an adult survivor of CSA feel. It includes many of the emotions and feelings noted here.

http://suite101.com/article/sexual-abuse-of-males-a207310

Top
#403802 - 07/16/12 01:55 PM Re: My story **trigger** [Re: matt123]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Listen, Matt. I think you'll probably look back on this note, and others, as the beginning of the turn around. I won't write much, because you've already got some good stuff here. But I just want you to know that I'm one more guy out here who identifies with you, who knows how you feel, who has worried the same worries that bother you. You're not alone. Things will get better. It'll take work, but it's good work that will heal you. Good luck, Matt. Take care of yourself, literally. And keep communicating on this forum. I want to read about how things improve for you. Bob


Edited by Robert1000 (07/16/12 01:55 PM)

Top
#403828 - 07/16/12 07:03 PM Re: My story **trigger** [Re: matt123]
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Matt your feelings are very common, I've felt the same way for years. I'm only about a year into therapy and dealing with my abuse and other issues. I'm glad you're taking the initiative and reaching out, get help, the sooner the better. I wish I had started therapy when I was your age. Good luck.

Top
#403904 - 07/17/12 02:40 PM Re: My story **trigger** [Re: matt123]
TMC Offline


Registered: 06/03/12
Posts: 15
Loc: NYS
Congrats on coming forward Matt, I am also new to this site and as you can tell the people here are awesome. It is a good way to release the feelings that build up inside as we go through life. We finally have a place where everyone relates to us unlike in normal life where we could never talk to openly and freely about our past. Now is your chance to make a change, and move forward toward a better life.
_________________________
May the sun shine upon your face and the wind be at your back

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.