I created a timeline and wanted to place it here with some information.
1978-twin initiates incest
1979-twin rapes in shower
1981-Shared twincest with Predator
1981-Groomed into sex with predator (I am 14, he is ~25)
1983-Parents are told by bystander about Predator
1983-Sex with Predator Ends
1984-Predator exonerated (I begin therapy, I am 16)
1985-I tell T I am gay, never discuss Twincest or Predator
1987-I tell girlfriend/wife about predator
1993-I begin couples therapy
1994-I tell T about Predator and about twincest (no help!)
1994-Divorced, begin gay relationship end Therapy
1994-tell bf about twincest & predator (feel like alien)
1995-Married 2nd Wife, tell her about predator & twincest
2002-Divorced 2nd Wife, abusive drug addict
2010-Marry Husband, tell H about twincest & predator
2010-Back to Therapy-tell T about twincest & predator (no help)
2011-working 12 steps, tell sponsor about twincest & predator
2012-tell 12 step groups about twincest & predator
2012-Sponsor asks me to goto T, H asks me to goto T
2012-Found LGBT-Friendly INCEST Therapist (finally!!!!!)
2012-Join Male Survivor
2012-Tell T about twincest & Predator
2012-T tells me I was RAPED (big moment 4 me)
2012-I write "my story" down and publish on Male Survivor
2012-I print it and tape it in my journal (still feel alien)
In my previous story I abandon all literary forms and pretenses because I felt so intimidated by the subject matter. I can't write well about sex abuse because I still take it so personally. When I grew up I didn't include a lot of information about my parents. My dad was extremly violent. His rage was a separate member of my family. My older brother also learned this from my dad (as we all did) and was encouraged to beat us and discipline us twins even though he was only two years older than us. My father also exposed himself a lot. I don't remember having sex with him but I can draw a picture of his penis today. (I also don't remember having sex with my older brother, but I can sketch an accurate penis drawing of him as well). I do remember sex with my twin, and know exactly what his looks like. I don't remember ever seeing my mother naked EVER. She was always covered. My dad was an emotionally abusive, binge alcoholic. He beat us badly, hurt us, our mother and withheld food, affection, and engaged in cruelty. I was forced to eat things, (not food, but vile) I was treated to physical violence and torture and treated for broken bones and other injuries regularly. X-rays reveal lots of broken ribs and other traumas that went untreated and unexplained. I have a very nasty scar that is six inches long on my leg which should have gotten stitches but was slow healed with taped bandages. I recieved a gunshot wound before I was 16. it is not normal, it was not ok, and I carry lots of scars from my childhood.
( Repressing an urge to delete all this now)
I hate talking about it, I hate dealing with it. I wish it had never happened. Why couldn't I have been born into a family that just left me be?
I remember the first time I was raped by my brother. I lost consciousness and came to on the floor of the tub with the water running on me. I have never hurt so bad before or since. I still get chills up and down my back thinking about it. I bled and hurt, and eventually it subsided. I don't like it when people act like it was no big deal, or like I wasn't raped because I am not a girl, or that I wanted it because I am gay. These events colored my past, and created my future. I only have the one choice......Die or get better.