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#403443 - 07/12/12 08:13 PM Life Coaching and the male survivor
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
Okay, so I've 'done it.' I've dealt with the 'inner child,' nurtured him, disciplined him, guided him, loved him,... etc., etc.
I've purged and bandaged my emotional 'self,' analyzed, categorized, forgiven, etc., etc.

Now, I'm thinking, "While I needle away, revisiting old wounds, retreading old worn tires, and reassessing experiences from a fricken half-century ago, life is swiftly passing, moment by moment, year by year. I need to, no, I MUST make BIG steps around this quicksand and get down to achieving my life purpose.

Therapy isn't dealing with the part that needs addressing at this point. Not because of my therapists' inadequacies, but because therapists don't deal in the toolbox I need at this time. I might add, I am a DEVOUT believer and supporter of individual therapy.

Has anyone had experience with life coaches? I need some BIG picture, BIG, BROAD brush strokes to 'get over myself' and get on with the kind of life I want and deserve. Anyone done life coaching to make improvements beyond therapy?
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#403448 - 07/12/12 08:52 PM Re: Life Coaching and the male survivor [Re: WriterKeith]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
"Life Coach" has predominantly become success-oriented (business-job-oriented) called personal impowerment. Tony Robbins claims to be one even though he teaches subtle manipulation (forget what he calls it) and the power within (walk on hot coals type thing)--no fear of anything including success. It's also extremely expensive for such gurus. Many also teach positive attraction (Robbins and The Secret does) that basically means you seed attractions and get what you want. Scientology is a religion (*giggles*) but it's strongly life coaching with success in business (getting rich) as the main goal. Basically, think happy thoughts, find something you want, think it and it magically comes (The Secret and Laws of Attraction ideas). If you're thinking, oh, bullshit (and they don't preach work--Robbins & the Secret deals) is getting deep. The real goal of people like Robbins and whatever The Secret happens to be is to get material things by thinking it (and in Robbin's idea--shadowing other's habits like gestures when you talk to them--is subtle manipulation). Thinking happy thoughts (Joel Osteen is another) is great. Unlike these bigshots, you have to do the hard work to get anything including spouse, partner, kids, education, jobs and getting rich.

Simple Idea - set goals and work hard to achieve them. That's real life coaching. Ex. - I want a master's degree. That's your goal. Find what it takes to get one and go do the hard work. That life coaching example works for anything.

Tip: If you have to continue buying courses and "coaching" to succeed, it's a scam. If the overall message is just riches, 2nd scam. Truth is, if you become accomplished at whatever you are good at, the success is there before you realize it.

Another Tip; ask if the life coach actually has a life (something like you want. If they don't, they aren't a life coach just a person that took a bunch of courses and never accomplished something.

Maybe you are really looking for a Mentor?

Article on Life Coaches:
http://articles.cnn.com/2007-08-01/living/wlb.life.coaches_1_life-coach-international-coach-federation-icf?_s=PM:LIVING

Better article from the NY Times just this year.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/fashion/should-a-life-coach-have-a-life-first.html?pagewanted=all

Comment from NY Times by EK, Somerset,NJ:
"I'm not "certified", but here's some free insight for all:

If you are over 50 and paying for advice or "coaching" or whatever you want to call it from a 25 or 30 year old, your main problem is that you are an idiot."

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!


Edited by phoenix321 (07/12/12 09:06 PM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#403466 - 07/13/12 03:34 AM Re: Life Coaching and the male survivor [Re: WriterKeith]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Keith

I found the best life coach to be me!! sound weird? Well it is my devotion to helping others that has given me purpose, direction and a will to better myself so that I can be the shining light of the male survivor program.
Cant go into healing others when I myself am dysfunctional? Right.
So this to me is better than some RAA RAAA life coach programme .
I have had some life coaches and I will not make a sweeping statement that they all don't work.

I had found one that was worth something and she was a qualified psychologist and a life coach, a good combination. My problem was at that point I did not have the finances to get me through the program.

If your life is in disarray and you cant get yourself pointed in any predictable direction, then a life coach could be a good option. But as with therapists, its tough to find a good one.

Heal well
Marin
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Survivors Supporting Each other
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#403483 - 07/13/12 09:03 AM Re: Life Coaching and the male survivor [Re: WriterKeith]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Phoenix, that is hilarious, thanks!

Martin, we are the ones who can best understand what we hunger for. It is tough to find a good one, well said.

Keith, I think the cost versus time of a life coach I researched, well, first of all there is intake, two hours from what I remember, then like three hours a month on the phone or in person, for like $700. Yep, like Phoenix says, expensive.

In looking at that time in my life when the recovery wasn't discovering pain and processing, it seems there was a lull. The lull left me directionless. I stepped away from the computer and went outside. I saw nature and the work I had been neglecting, picked up a hammer and began to make repairs. When it became overwhelming, when the panic attacks would be too much, I went inside to post about my experience, to ask for help, to read the replies, to sleep and start fresh the next day. This was the process for a bunch of weeks, then that was processed. I could act as well as think, the anxiety, the stress of self worth, the confidence I lacked were the process I was working out. I think this is a recovery phase, USING what we have been learning, putting it into practice.

I have been mulling over the next thing, recovery is a bit of a crap shoot. Spiritual matters. I have always been a spiritual man, but I have a fear as the collateral abuse was from my parents, those who taught me about God. So I sometimes have this trembling fear of God and my place with him. Yesterday, I was listening to a speaker talk about something spiritual, and I found a new feeling inside me. Keith, I felt a longing. I missed the days when I was immersed in this subject and I am drawn to it.

My point, my rather long way around to the point, lol, is that we do not have to be goal oriented. We do not need a life coach to surmise our desires and attempt to guide us. We need the longing that recovery will eventually bring us. Are you a beach bum, a CEO, a hot dog stand vendor? If you long for that life, or at least to experience it, it will happen. When you feel the longing, it will be with enthusiasm that you explore this part of your healing journey. It may have been that all your life Keith, you have had a need to be active, learning, growing and invested in something. May be you need to experience the opposite, nature, rest, weird food, silence, barefoot in the tall wet grass, and puppy dogs. Eh, I could be way off, but that is the beauty of recovery.

There is no wrong answer, but when we get that right answer for where we are, it is as if the world sings our song.

Sam


Edited by sasuva (07/13/12 09:08 AM)
Edit Reason: connecting thoughts
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#403485 - 07/13/12 09:34 AM Re: Life Coaching and the male survivor [Re: WriterKeith]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1135
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
My counselor (who is focused on healing men from CSA/SSA) calls himself a "life coach". His invoice says "Coaching Sessions". I have been seeing him for 1 1/2 years, and he has really helped me navigate through tough things (like my wife and her issues).

I have had traditional counselors/therapists/psychologists as well. I think the big difference with him (beyond his understanding as he is a survivor himself) is that he makes me feel empowered. He treats me like a MAN, not a victim...

Jim
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Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

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#403493 - 07/13/12 11:30 AM Re: Life Coaching and the male survivor [Re: WriterKeith]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
"If you are over 50 and paying for advice or "coaching" or whatever you want to call it from a 25 or 30 year old, your main problem is that you are an idiot."

LOL That's funny, Phoenix. I had to laugh, because I sometimes think I am an idiot for not being able to see what so many others seem to see easily and clearly.

Maybe it's because my early development was stinted by the compounding of physical torture and emotional abandonment in addition to the sexual abuse I suffered. My father made certain I suffered in every way for being born. Therapists are amazed I'm not only functioning but have a career and a string of noteworthy accomplishments. They've told me most people who suffered my situation are permanently institutionalized. However, at 54 I am still challenging myself to improve and grow in every way.

I've thought about the life coaching thing off and on for a while, and I've been doing some research on it. I've read about the common scams, the wastes of money, etc. However, I know 7 or 8 professionals in my industry (entertainment) who greatly benefited from hiring a life coach, LEGIT professional life coaches.

There is something very different about the person who views a challenging goal as "easy" to achieve and reaches it quickly. Those of us who view the same goal as "difficult" and "nearly unachievable" crawl on our hands and knees inch by inch in agony. There's something there, big brush strokes that encompass career perspectives, that is not necessarily within the scope of highly specialized CSA/ASA therapy. There is a different life tool out there I've yet to discover, a common characteristic among many professionals.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#403494 - 07/13/12 11:31 AM Re: Life Coaching and the male survivor [Re: WriterKeith]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
Thanks, guys, your input is good. I am aware that I risk sounding like a fool by being so candid in this thread, but I sincerely believe I am not alone in seeking out a variety of resources. We ASAs and CSAs have traumatic memories that hinder us, don't we? Mine manifests itself in my business dealings, in a subliminal/undermining sort of way. I function as a leader, a director, an entrepreneur, a voice of reason, and yet I send nonverbal signals as a subservient underling.

I agree that we already have 'in us' what we need to succeed, but I am looking for that pick axe that will pierce through the hidden self-loathing, self-blame, self-deprecating that was programmed into my brain as a toddler.

I am a highly analytical creative type, which made me a specialist in creating projects that drive mission statements and marketing objectives. For those who 'get' that, it's the right brain marrying the left brain to formulate successful projects. However, the conscious and subconscious are also at play, with the struggle of powers between "I can do this, I will do this," and "You'll never, you'll never."

As I mentioned, for those who make a lot of money, they view making money as not difficult, it's "just what they do." For those who view making money as difficult, it is difficult and arduous.

I believe I can harness those moments I experienced when I didn't know any better than to succeed. For example, I was the first in my family to attend college. Out of curiosity I entered a piano competition, won a scholarship, was sent on tour and soloed at Carnegie Hall. I didn't really know what "a scholarship" was. I had no idea Carnegie Hall was a famous place. I had no idea why my piano professor and the students who lost to me loathed me because they felt I was unworthy. I didn't know what I had done was difficult. In my mind, I simply studied up and learned some challenging "songs."

Same thing again when I became a writer and I thought, "I need the leading entertainment companies, on my resume." I would have been too intimidated to even apply at the Walt Disney Company as a groundskeeper or ticket taker, and yet because of my ideas I was invited to meet with them and I walked out of that one meeting with an executive level contract in hand. The same thing repeated itself through the years at Warner Bros., Universal Studios, and FOX Entertainment. I was simply doing "what I did" and I didn't know any better than to succeed. When a life trauma knocked me down, I could not revive and revisit that mindset.

To capture whatever it is that happens in those moments....it eludes me. The implications of the sexual assault, the trauma of the physical torture, the hate speech uttered to me, and the self-deprecating inner voice, all echo in a chorus that is difficult to drown out with affirmations alone.




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#403496 - 07/13/12 11:34 AM Re: Life Coaching and the male survivor [Re: WriterKeith]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
Yea, Jim, now we're talkin'!
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#403497 - 07/13/12 11:38 AM Re: Life Coaching and the male survivor [Re: WriterKeith]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I have always maintained that in each of us are the answers to most of our questions.

I had a conversation with a friend a few months ago about a potential career opportunity. He explained the position, and all of the details to me. Not once, did he mention anything negative about the job and yet he was still feeling doubtful. I asked him to look at what he just wrote (online chhat), and list the negatives. He couldn't find any. I told him you just gave me your answer.

I have to listen. I have to make time to sit and really think about what I want out of my life, because if I don't I just go with the current. Often winding up in places or situations I am unhappy with. I resist change, so I avoid decisions. But these days I realize that I am in charge of my goals and my life.

I have no experience with a life coach. I have seen therapists who have helped me with what I was ready to deal with at the time. Some times taking a moment to really look at your life and plotting your course is all it takes. If you plot the wrong course, plot a new one. In the end, our purpose is to live. And to live is to make decisions knowing full well we might be making the wrong one. But better to make the wrong decision, then not make any decision at all.

All the best.
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I am the warrior.

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#403546 - 07/13/12 07:51 PM Re: Life Coaching and the male survivor [Re: WriterKeith]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Keith, what you are explaining, "what you do", or "did", was cognitive, literal and intelligent. Sexual abuse, trauma and overwhelming emotions eventually meet up, either then, in recovery shortly after or a long term break down. Do you feel like you are always holding a little of your breathe in? Just asking, I too like the drive and the business of business, and it was just what I did, but I always felt like I was holding my breathe a little. At the Weekend of Recovery, and another retreat, I found out what I was holding in, or holding back. It was the emotional response my mind and body needed to unfreeze in order to help me to balance to untie the fragmented parts of my personality, feelings and thoughts. Intelligence and problem solving can be fueled by churning emotional conflict and the person can literally expend that fuel, positively focused, on whatever issue arises. Having the opportunity to expend that fuel, you may have been able to exhaust the supply of emotional turmoil for decades. Now you may be attempting to find anew that intelligence and problem solving, but it may be that the fuel has been depleted through the sexual and collateral abuse recovery process.

This is all personal perspective, I am still in on the "longing". The desire, fueled by curiosity, balance, ambition, experience, self confidence, a knowledge that I am going to succeed and I have the patience to stick with it till I am successful.

If this is a slice or a cut, I'll just take a mulligan and let others play through wink


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