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#403241 - 07/11/12 06:48 AM Some Stories scare even me
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Some one Posted a story on my BLOG and it makes even me cry at the viciousness of the world. There was a young guy on the board that was used for violent Porn movies and he was so hurt and damaged.
Now all of this is one thing.
What most of us Survivors forget, is what the spouses go through, the shame and abuse and pain that they have suffered and endured for so many years.

Perhaps All survivors should actually read some of the Spouses stories to realize how screwed we actually are, how damaged and dysfunctional we are to those that have loved us for the first time in our lives "Unconditionally"

This is something that we don't understand. Well I didn't so, reading their stories helps me to remember that there is some one that wants to love me, why I don't know.
I have really hurt this one and will happily spend the rest of my life making amends to her.

So Survivors my recommendation for today, read a spouses story, her story not her husbands story, read what they have had to endure, just so we can for once get our minds off ourselves and see someone else's pain.

Heal well all
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#403243 - 07/11/12 07:24 AM Re: Some Stories scare even me [Re: whome]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 35
I second that Martin.

Now i am not having a go at anyone here but i want to ask the survivors a question.
Abuse or no abuse, how would you feel if the partner you loved didn't 'appear' to love you? If your partner was looking for anyone except you to fulfil their urges?
I have asked my husband how would he feel if i was leering over each and every one of his friends and had to go to the bathroom to 'relieve' myself. How would he feel if i didn't have sex with him and instead spent ours viewing porn? How would he feel if i sexualised every man in the street? What if i was frequently unfaithful to him?
He told me, "I would feel worthless. I would feel like you wanted anyone but not me".
Yup, that's how i, Louise, felt.
I'm sure others have made this point on here many times before. I just wish everyone was more empathetic.

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#403273 - 07/11/12 10:51 AM Re: Some Stories scare even me [Re: whome]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5941
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Martin, I agree that empathy and compassion may be lacking in abused, wounded, hurt victims and survivors, but I disagree that survivors need to "to realize how screwed we actually are, how damaged and dysfunctional we are". How is feeling ashamed with regret going to support survivors or supporters? Guilt is a terrible motivator, invoking negative emotions of resentment, contention, fear and anger leading to coping mechanisms, thus serving to widen the relationship gap and stifle progress. If we immerse ourselves in the discomfort of another, one as important as a supporter, we can become triggered and isolated.

Instead, may I add to your good suggestion that a survivor affirm that he is doing the best he can to promote healing within the relationship while reading a supporter's share. He can then allow the feeling of angst and confusion, the love and care that a supporter puts into a relationship, genuinely respecting that effort. This serves to encourage change on the part of the survivor.

Recovery is about balance. The discovery process of recovery healing is not done with guilt and condescension. It is accomplished with mutual respect, healthy boundaries and encouragement from both parties.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#403278 - 07/11/12 11:25 AM Re: Some Stories scare even me [Re: whome]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
Attempting to be a little objective with this, one thing I have noticed around F&F is a natural, but at the same time rather ironic dichotomy.

many of the supporters who post in F&f are posting because their so is a surviver engaging in some sort of hurtfull behaviour, often in denial about his abuse, and the So wants support from others with respect to the hurt such behaviour has caused, as well as to understand what is happening.

where as the survivers who have naturally come to this forum are men who are not! in denial about this abuse, sinse obviously they've sought out this forum in the first place, and are quite often trying to recover from bad patterns or hurtfull coping mechanisms that are damaging to their so's, indeed often they have so's who similarly do not understand recovery, or like me have no partner at all.

So you've got two groups of people who both represent the best half of a bad situation, or in the case of survivers often the entirety of that situation.

This to me seems a complete recipe for misscommunication. It's like having the spouse of an alcoholic at an Aa meeting complaining that their partner won't give up drinking, or having an alcoholic at an abused spouses of alcoholics meeting asking for advice on giving up.

What is still worse, is that even when you have a couple who both! want to deal with the abuse, I imagine sharing the same resource would be quite difficult, I know myself that I probably wouldn't want someone able to read what I put on this sight, even if she was my partner, and I can imagine the situation is reciprical as well, sinse looking for support on a sight like this is an extremely personal matter.

I'm not sure there is actually a way around this as such, other than as Sam said, people trying to communicate a bit more and develope imagination and empathy.

I actually wonder if perhaps there should be a "relationships with significant oothers" forum or something similar made expressly for this sort of communication to happen on what you might call a neutral ground outside of the supporter specific issues that get discussed in F&f.

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#403287 - 07/11/12 12:01 PM Re: Some Stories scare even me [Re: whome]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5941
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Quote:
So you've got two groups of people who both represent the best half of a bad situation, or in the case of survivers often the entirety of that situation.


Well said.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#403301 - 07/11/12 01:37 PM Re: Some Stories scare even me [Re: whome]
LouLou Offline


Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 35
I have decided to leave my husband. There is a better life than this. I wanted him to be "the one " but that's not going to happen. He isn't willing to change. He's not even willing to learn. I hope to God he finds someone so much better than me. God bless, i want my husband to be happy and if it's not with me, God bless. I hope the next poor female isn't in for nine years of hell. GOD BLESS!
Thankyou guys for trying to help me. GOD BLESS YOU MORE!!!!

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#403302 - 07/11/12 01:48 PM Re: Some Stories scare even me [Re: whome]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
Good luck to you and I really hope your life gets better, sinse you do not deserve mistreatment either especially when your actually trying to help someone you love.

Abuse might be a reason for someone's behaviour, that's not to say it's an excuse or that it stops someone being responsable for their actions.

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