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#403099 - 07/10/12 05:23 AM OK Help Me (please)
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
So, I am a survivor. I have been to hell and back and made movies T shirts, etc etc etc.
Through all of this I have neglected my wife. The last year was spent exclusively on me and MY healing. My wife as you all know got tired of this and asked me to leave,(I don't blame her for this, in fact I am surprised she put up with me for so long)

So now the question.
What would you want your healthy husband to do for you, what things could he do that would show you that after all this time he put you first, that after all this time he really does love you and wants to show you his appreciation.
Please don't make out like I am doing such a great thing, cause really, I have a lot of catching up to do, a lot of damage to repair, a lot of broken heart and broken dreams to make up for.
Essentially I have a lifetime of hurt and pain that I need to Apologize for.
So your Ideas on what would make you feel better would really help me a ton.

Heal well
Martin
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#403102 - 07/10/12 06:10 AM Re: OK Help Me (please) [Re: whome]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
Quote:
I have a lot of catching up to do, a lot of damage to repair, a lot of broken heart and broken dreams to make up for.
Essentially I have a lifetime of hurt and pain that I need to Apologize for.

I think this is what we all long to hear from our partners so I would just make this clear to your wife. I would like to receive a love letter personally (but I'm a romantic at heart).

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#403104 - 07/10/12 06:37 AM Re: OK Help Me (please) [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Mkn

Thanks, so simple yet so true. This is what I need thanks for the honest no smoke up my butt answer.

Martin
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#403109 - 07/10/12 07:59 AM Re: OK Help Me (please) [Re: whome]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
I'm not sure how you interacted w your wife before you started healing but my husband doesn't share his thoughts and feelings. If this is you, demonstrating how different you are is paramount. It will be toting to make it about her, how much you love her, how much you missed her, but in order for me to feel safe, I'll need to see how my survivor loves himself. Not the selfish indulgences of porn or anonymous sex, but the healthy love and respect for himself. I she won't talk to you, then letters or emails are excellent. For me, too much lovey dovey would scare me, but jut everyday thoughts and feelings on what has transpired would probably soften me. Even nuggets of something revealed to you in therapy and group. I know you are a believer so pray for her heart to be softened. Then go about your life as a healing/whole person. Interact w your daughter in this way. If you feel comfortable, share your blog w her so that she can see that you are changing your horrible for good. But it may take a while for her to see that this is real.
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#403112 - 07/10/12 08:16 AM Re: OK Help Me (please) [Re: whome]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
After ignoring me, cutting me off, and shutting down during his dark moods, my husband makes a point of reaching out. However, it's always tempered with some self-deprecation that always makes the effort about him. Make whatever you say or do about her. Leave yourself yourself out of it. Completely.

For example, in the last 7 months I have taken to buying a bouquet of flowers from the supermarket every week, one because they are cheap, two, they are pretty, and three, it's just a small way of cheering myself up.

My husband hasn't bought me flower in over ten years. If one day I were to come home and find that he bought me my typical, cheap bouquet of flowers...well, it would go a long way to show he gets it. Nothing fancy, just the same cheap bouquet...it would mean a lot...

Another thought: invite her to a therapy session with your therapist where the topic is how you can rebuild.

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#403116 - 07/10/12 08:27 AM Re: OK Help Me (please) [Re: whome]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Well, that depends on how stable you really are.

The thing is, to truly put her feelings first, you need to actually do that. This means, if you offer her something and she refuses, not reacting like you have been hurt and injured but keep focus on her needs. Ok she didn't need this, then what does she need?

I say this because it is not so easy. Wanting to give something back is good, but it has to be genuinely about her needs and not mostly your need to make amends. If it is mostly about your need you will just put more weight on her, making it her problem to make you feel that you made amends.

So my advice is - listen to her. For real. Ask her what she wants and needs and accept the answer without blaming her or being hurt even if she needs distance from you. Make sure you can deal with your own feelings somewhere else, so you can completely and truly focus on her feelings when you meet. Be patient. Don't expect results. And really really listen to what she wants. Try to understand her from her perspective - she needs things because of her own needs, not to punish you or whatever.

My point is, to try to make this about her, not about you. Maybe it's easy for you and then you can just ignore this. But if it's not easy for you you should really sort out your own shit along the way and keep in mind that her mind is different than yours, her needs might be something completely different than you think and she is the center of her own universe just like you are the center of yours.

Also, owning your own shit and showing this to her might be a really good start that makes her feel comfortable telling you what else she needs. Being honest about what you can't do for her (because of your limitations, not becaus of her being overly demanding) is also a good step.

I don't know what you did to push her away but probably it will take time to rebuild trust.

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#403122 - 07/10/12 09:23 AM Re: OK Help Me (please) [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Wow, One day and all of this.

Thanks all, for the good and the must hears. They will all help me fix things.

Keep the ideas coming, some romantic tips wont go amiss either. Hehehehe.

Thanks all you Guys
Martin
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#403126 - 07/10/12 09:58 AM Re: OK Help Me (please) [Re: whome]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
You mention her "broken dreams". Broken dreams equates to broken hope. Without hope, there's nothing.

I would suggest you ask her to tell you what those dreams were, and how they were broken. When she's finished, ask her to tell you more. And more. Ask for detail. What does that dream look like to you? What's the weather like? What are you doing in that dream? How do you feel in that dream? What does that dream mean to your outlook? Ask her to tell you of her dreams as if she's reading a book to you. What kind of music is playing? Who is there with her? What is she wearing? What inspired that dream? What is her mood in the dream? Happy? Content? Grateful? Fulfilled?

Expect anger as she discloses what she'd once hoped for and what goals and dreams she once strived to fulfill. Don't run from her anger, but acknowledge it. Let her express her rage at losing those dreams: her hope. Tell her how sorry you are that your actions did such damage. Tell her you are now present and accounted for, that you HEAR her and long to make her dreams come true. Expect her to flip you the bird and assure you that you can't/won't do anything to bring back her dreams and hope. Tell her you understand her pessimism because your actions are what created that pessimism within her.

Then take that knowledge and get to it.

Did she once dream of having another child? Did she hope for another girl? A boy? What would she have wanted to name that baby? Is it possible to fulfill that dream in time? Is there an alternative? Fostering parenting? Adopting? Getting a puppy? (Not joking! Wanting a child you can't have signals a need to nurture and mother someone...or something!)

Did she once dream of going on a romantic cruise with you? If so, where did she hope to cruise to? What did she want to experience? What did the cruise "look like" to her? Then, book it and ask her to go with you in the capacity in which she can tolerate, be it husband/wife, lovers, parents to your child, friends, whatever!

Did she once dream of retiring to a mountain cabin? Discuss what that looked like to her. Ask for the details of her dream. How did she envision you both spending your time? Discuss the ways it is possible to acheive that dream together.

It is important that you provide input as to how her dreams fit in with your own dreams. If they don't fit, then you two truly don't have a future. If they do fit, you need only to resurrect them.

You also mention her "broken heart". The reason her heart is broken is because her dreams, goals and assumptions about every iota of her life have been shattered. Because addictions (even those wrought of something as horrible as CSA) are fueled by self-centerness, you likely have NO idea what her dreams were, nor the affect the loss of those dreams have had on her psyche. Assuring her that you "get it", that you fully understand the deep, deep damage done to her soul, can express your sorrow at having dashed so much of her being, you both will be able to determine if/how those dreams can become dream-able again.

It's all about hope. Can you awaken hope within her?

God love you, Martin. And God be with you as you do the hard work of becoming her healer.

herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#403131 - 07/10/12 10:34 AM Re: OK Help Me (please) [Re: whome]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Romantic Tips:

First and foremost: Romance does not mean sexual acts. Romance is intimacy. Romance is best acheived without the use of genitals. Intimacy is one of the concepts almost every survivor struggles with. I don't know where you are in the process of understanding the difference, so forgive me if my suggestions seems stupid.

1. Communicate! Ask her questions, then listen. Every human being feels valued when they are asked for their thoughts and those thoughts are found interesting enough to listen to. When that interest comes from the one you love, it is loving and stirs the embers of romance. Ask her about her childhood. What was her best friend like? What was her first kiss like? Again: what are her dreams? What would she do with a million dollars? What's her favorite song? Etc. Just ask questions as you would ask someone you really, really want to know everything about. Asking for details lets her know you are truly interested and are not merely interviewing her!

2. Tell her about your hopes for a future with her. Will you move to a new home? Will you retire from your jobs? What will you do together? Will you travel? Where to? Do you hope for grandchildren? If so, what do you want to do with them? What are your grandbabies like? Tell her of a vision you have of her being a grandmother. What is the best thing about growing old with her- something no one else on the planet could provide?

3. Tell her what makes her special to you. Tell her about times where she offered something no one else could have offered as well: a funny moment, caring for you in illness, supporting you through something, something she acheived, etc. Tell her about something she does that you adore- something no one else could ever do as well: the way she comforts people, the way she mothers your daughter, the way she takes care to make a nice home, etc. Help her to see her vast worth and her special uniqueness.

4. Use your very best manners with her. (It's sad that we use our best manners with strangers while treating those we most love with disregard!) Hold doors for her, put her in the car then walk around to your side and get in, ask her if you can get her something to drink, say "thank you", "please", "you're welcome", and sweeten the sentiments with a loving pet name, i.e., "You're welcome, sweetheart", "Honey, can I bring you something to drink while I'm up?", etc.

5. Okay, FINE! I know you're looking for bedroom advice, too! smile Be comforted in the knowledge that you don't have to do physical gymnastics. Actually, to do that would only make her wonder if you learned that from someone/somewhere else. If you want intimacy; if you want to give her real, true romance, then be clean, smell good and brush your teeth without expectation of being rewarded for doing so. Be prepared, but expect nothing! Smile at her, hold her eyes and tell her she is the most beautiful soul God ever created. Hold her face, look past her eyes into her heart and give her a long, soft, sweet kiss. Kiss her forehead. Tell her to sleep well and that you can't wait to wake to her beautiful face in the morning. Then stroke her hair. Stroke her cheek. Coax her to sleep with murmurings of your love and care for her. THERE! You just made love to your wife! Congrats! 100% pure romance; no penis required!

6. Make love all day long by repeating the above at times other than the evening. For example, on a busy Saturday afternoon, stop your task for a moment. Go to her, tell her you had an overwhelming urge to tell her you love her. Give her a long, deep, soft kiss, followed by a big smile, say, "Thank you! Now I can go on a while longer!", and go back to your task, expecting nothing more, but being prepared for something more! wink

(((Martin)))

herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#403132 - 07/10/12 10:44 AM Re: OK Help Me (please) [Re: whome]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
But Herowannabe if Martin would act to these instructions he wouldn't have time for his stuff (MS and Matrixmen smile )?
Just kidding (sorry Martin if this was inappropriate but I had to make joke).
We sometimes forget how important and demanding is to make progress in relationships, it is much easier to be passive and let it go till someone brake something...
(((Hero))) thank you for this helpful article, you have my hat off for wanting to help and being so positive and assertive, we need badly such stance.
Pero
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