I thought I needed to take a break from dealing with it all. My wife said I should. My therapist said so too. What do they know about this? I couldn't stand being out of the chat and the boards. I found myself sneaking in while wife wasn't looking. Why? I don't understand. Is it the obsessive compulsive? The PTSD? The depression? Is there any reason? Why do I feel better when I talk with others about their abuse, when I know I can't do anything to help. I feel so helpless. How can I think I can get better here or anywhere when I can't figure this out. I thought I was gonna puke last night. I was out for a long long bike ride. All I could think of was my idiot perp wandering around my hometown, looking for more kids. Thought of my babysitter's son, how arrogant and criminal he is and was. I want to find them, confront them, tell them I remember what they did, tell them they were wrong to do what they did. I want to scare the living shit out of them like they did to me. I really felt like I was going to puke. Then I came home, came in here. Hands and arms, face especially lips were completely numb. The fingers were typing, but i couldn't feel the keys under the finger tips. What is up with that? Talking to others in here actually made the feeling come back in my body. I don't understand how or why or even if that's why. I'm starting to overwork again, went in early, left late. Filled my day with menial tasks, doing for others, what they should be able to do for themselves. "Walk all over me" is what that says to me. Again. Over and over. Why? "Pray" says my therapist, "for your healing, for your family, your loved ones, your chat friends", "pray the rosary when those thoughts of abuse and sex and everything else come into your head" Again I ask, why? I was in Church praying to God and Jesus when my abuse started. Back then I just prayed to God because I loved him. I didn't want anything from God but His love, and for him to know that I loved him. And then the abuse began. Was God not listening? Is there a God? Does he not listen to little kids of 8 years old? Couldn't he see the "priests" hands in my pants? Didn't he care? Could he not have done something? I don't think I'm asking for a major miracle here. Just a little one. Mustard seed sized would do. Thanks for listening.

THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR NUMBNESS.

YOU ALSO SOUND ANGRY TO ME AND IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE.
YOUR ANGER PUTS ME IN TOUCH WITH MY OWN ANGER. THANKS AGAIN
----------- BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF
------- RJD

There is another possibility Orodo.
Maybe you come here because simply knowing you are not alone is something very precious, even if it means slogging through mental territory likely to set off stuff in yourself.

Your therapist has you pray?

I've been in the numb place. Only it took me a long time to get there and when I did, it was constant. I couldn't feel a damn thing except rage and didn't care about anything. I was just marking time until I checked out. Then I remembered what happened to me and all these pieces fell into place and a thought went through my head 'oh yeah - now all that shit makes sense'.
Understanding does not bring peace though. It just brings clarity. I get the feeling something can be done with that clarity, but what that is - well, I haven't figured that one out for myself yet.

I think spiderman is right. The knowledge that we are not alone is so very comforting. when I stay away to long I feel like such a freak, it is when I can talk with other survivors/victims that I know the freaks are the perps. I long for a day when I can feel part of society and the people around me, but until then I come here to feel I belong.

Ken

When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb

- Pink Floyd, Comfortably Numb

one of my top ten favorite songs...

Any major dude with half a heart
Surely will tell you, my friend
Any of your world that breaks apart
Comes together again
And when the demon is at your door
In the morning it won't be there no more
Any major dude will tell you

- "Any Major Dude," Steely Dan

One of my top five favorite songs...

O,
You are my dear friend and I feel your pain. I could have sworn I was reading a post of my own when I read yours just now. IT feels so odd to feel so alive when helping others but not when we are helping ourselves. Some people would say when we do that we are mearly coping with our abuse and not healing from it. It is like an addiction, we would rather deal with anything but our abuse, even someone elses. But I see it as a tool. When we are able to see through the eyes of others, we are able to look at ourselves in new light and find strength and refreshment in that. I feel while helping others I am in turn helping myself by learning new methods and techniques. What has hapened to us in our past is part of who we are. At the advise of my therapist and loved ones, I took a break from the survivor web sites for about a year. Now that I am back, I feel alive once more.
I am not saying we should all overwork ourselves but if we are better able to heal from our abuse by helping others I feel we should do as much as we are can.

Orodo
For me addiction equals comfort. I look back at my constant fantasies and ever more frequent acting out as addictions that I once had, and like any addict I have to keep on top of them. Today for some reason has been a tough one, but I got through.

I was lucky not to become addicted to drugs or drink, but I did drink way too much and binged when I was down. I still drink some. So that was never a real addiction, and as such has been far easier to control.
But I do think that the problems of addiction are similar, two friends are chronic alcoholics, and I know from talking to them that the unseen drive is the same, another drink - another acting out, once it's in the mind it's unstopable.

And the easy way out is to replace one addiction with another, and seeing as how compulsive / obsessive disorders seem to affect us strongly it's little wonder we turn to other things.
I turned to reading and writing about abuse, concentrating on my therapy. And when that phase passed I moved onto something else - which is why I'm here. I know I spend too much time here, but I do it for my benefit first and foremost, it gives me much needed contact ( my main contact ) with other survivors, and there's strength in numbers- not being the only one. Secondly I like to feel I'm returning that favour, I've made a hell of a lot of progress since I started 4 or 5 years ago, and I want to share that in the hope that others follow me.
I feel good after talking with you guys here, I haven't got access to a group so this is my group.
And for me the anonimity isn't a problem either way, in fact it's harder to prejudge people and let my prejudices ( few I hope ! )get in the way.

So I don't mind being addicted or compulsive about being here, if I wasn't what would I be doing with myself ? It's easy to slide back into addiction, I smoke again, after a 10 year break !
In the scale of things, being here too much is way down the scale.

Another point Orodo, you say your therapist has you pray etc. Well I don't want to interfere with anyones religios beliefs but personally I believe therapists should stick to therapy. But I can understand his action if you initiated this line, and if you did and it helps then go with it.
My experience was that my therapist suggested very little, virtually nothing actually. All he did was lead my thinking in a very unobtrusive way. And if I suddenly suggested something and he agreed that it might be a good thing to do then I had the opportunity to congratulate myself on figuring it out, but different strokes for different folks etc...

Be strong Orodo
Lloydy

Orodo, I just finished reading TEARS OF RAGE, by John Walsh. He talks about his feelings when the head of his 6 yo son was found, nothing more, just the head. At the very end of the book he roars against all the BS he was told by priests ,ministers, rabbis, all well meaning people. He says that the coroner was the one who helped the most when he said simply that there is good in the world and there is evil, period. God does not force us to do good and he sure as hell is not telling adults to assdault children. These are just evil people. John tries to focus on the good people--but his heart is still totally broken.
Maybe getting that book from the library and just reading the very last secion of the book might help. It helped me.
Bob

I ask myself the same questions about "God" and his listening skills. I am in recovery, working on step 3 with a sponsor, and am supposed to turn my life over to a higher power. Well, my question is: "If God/higher power does not hear or respond to the screams of an 8 year old boy, why in the world would he help an two hundred pound grown up drug addict like me?". It sure didn't seem like he was paying any attention 7 years ago when I was raped.