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#402905 - 07/08/12 06:54 PM I am his abuser (long). Help.
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:30 PM)

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#402909 - 07/08/12 07:37 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
You are not an abuser. He is projecting his anger on to you instead of his actual abuser.

I went through something terribly similar recently. Had to give my husband space. Went to the therapist together. He left 3 weeks ago for a business trip. I am seeing him for the first time coming weekend. Keeping my fingers crossed.....

This is so horrible for you. I hope some time and space will help. Been reading "Allies in Healing" and it has been a great help to me. It's written for partners of survivors.

Good luck to you. Keep posting. And focus on yourself and your own healing for a while.

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#402968 - 07/09/12 02:33 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:30 PM)

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#402976 - 07/09/12 03:54 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
JLM35 Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Earth
Our wives certainly put up with a lot of shit and my wife is very deserving of some type of medal.

don't think you are an abuser. I think your husband is dealing with severe depression and most likely PTSD, and I'm sure he also has trust issues and maybe even abandonment issues also. It sounds like he's going though a rough time in his life and just like so many of us do, myself included, we set our sights on those closest to us.

Maybe space isn't such a bad thing. Maybe a separation might actually help the marraige. I know that everytime my wife wanted to address issues earlier in our marriage, I ran away. I ignored her and the idea that she just wanted to know about the nightmare that just woke me up, or if I was scared, or what she could do to protect me and make me feel safe when I'm with her. My wife is an amazing woman, and if she had left me way back then, I would've deserved it. I've been making up for the way I treated her everyday for the last 5-6 years.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you and I'm sorry that your husband is dealing with these issues. Maybe if you both had some space and time away from one another, he would better appreciate how much you love and support him, and maybe in that time you can become educated on how to approach your husband and make him feel safe and loved.

I wish you and your husband well.

JLM

Send me a private message if you need to talk further.
_________________________
"I hurt myself today... to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain... the only thing that's real." - Johnny Cash

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#402984 - 07/09/12 08:11 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Wow. That is a heavy burden he placed on you. Seriously, sister, get yourself to a therapist. Look for one who specializes in trauma or sex abuse.

When my husband left three weeks ago for his business trip, I was supposed to join him. We were so bad at the time, he cut my trip with him off. If has been a really hard three weeks of soul searching, agony, and ultimately - epiphanies.

This break was the best thing that could have happened to us. Once I took the time to focus on me, I could our situation so much more clearly. I have a different approach. I feel like I have a different heart.

Take this time for yourself. Start your own healing. I hate absolutely hate that saying "if you love somebody set them free...." but dammit it all if it hasn't been proven true in my case.

I hope you and your husband can get there too.

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#402994 - 07/09/12 09:39 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
Steve0123 Offline


Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
You're so not his abuser...but could you be co-dependent?

I have made several women think there was something wrong with them...I have made them feel unattractive b/c I wouldn't sleep with them...I have made them feel selfish b/c I was needy...etc.

Although impossible to believe sometimes it really is "me" and not "you"...

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#403001 - 07/09/12 10:47 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:30 PM)

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#403009 - 07/09/12 11:32 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
JLM35 Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Earth
I can't comment on what his depression might be like. We all go through so much crap when we're depressed, and I'm thankful that my wife never held a grudge against me because of the way I treated her. I wasn't exactly mean or abusive toward her, but I was distant, untrusting, quiet, and whenever she asked about anything, I shrugged it off, ignored her, or ran away. When it comes to depress I think everyone is an individual. I've gone through so severe depression that I have blocked out periods of my life and this was well after the abuse ended. Your husband sounds like he also has severe attachment issues and I can relate very well to that. He just doesn't want to feel. We never want to feel, because our memories of "feeling" were memories of pain, humiliation, despair, anger, confusion, and innocence lost.

I don't think you are an abuser. Sometimes we victims have a way of laying the load on those people closest to us. You're in his line of fire right now and that's why I think it would be best for you to maybe separate for awhile... maybe forever. Since I came forward about my abuse in 2003 and reported it to law enforcement and the DA, I have learned one very important element to my experiences; It wasn't my fault! It wasn't the fault of my parents or anyone else who didn't have a clue what was going on in my life. It certainly wasn't my wife's fault. It's not your fault either!

Your husband is dealing with some tough issues right now and it just seems to me like he needs his time and you need yours. I hope whatever you decide to do will be the right choice. I wish you luck!

JLM
_________________________
"I hurt myself today... to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain... the only thing that's real." - Johnny Cash

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#403031 - 07/09/12 02:36 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:31 PM)

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#403032 - 07/09/12 03:02 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
alw72 Offline


Registered: 07/08/12
Posts: 9
Loc: New York
TimHorton~

This sounds like a lot of displaced anger on you. While my husband never told me that I was abusive to him he did try for the longest time to say mean and hurtful things to me to see if I would leave. "Because everyone always leaves me" was his thought process. It was like he was testing my love, my commitment to him and seeing how much he could trust me. I felt like I had another child in my life and then it hit me, I DID! He was emotionally stuck as a young child and still is a lot of the time as this healing process is two step forward three back. It helps when I can remember this when I get so frustrated with him.

I am so happy you are in therapy because that is such a tremendous help for you. For you to be able to take care of you...not for you to learn how to take care of him. Some day you'll be able to understand with clarity that this isn't about you and you are in control of your own self esteem. I promise you'll get there with continued therapy, boundries and patience.

PM me anytime....

Prayers and Strenght~

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#403038 - 07/09/12 04:14 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
I don't know this for a fact, TH, but maybe he is projecting all his shit at his perps onto you because you are there. You are closest to him. It seems like some severely misdirected anger and blowing shit way out of proportion. Maybe this way he can leave and feel like it is your fault so he doesn't have to feel guilty for leaving or feel like a failure. Maybe during your fights he felt powerless and helpless like he did with his perp?

None of this is your fault. it is his shit. We, wives, have been thrown into some extraordinarily painful situations and maybe we don't always act perfect.

My husband who has cheated with hookers and men, lied about money and drinking and basically fucked with my head for the first 5 yrs of our relationships LOVES to bring up one thing I said that was the wrong thing when all this came to light. REALLY? I have to laugh after all the things he has done and he brings this up. It is funny.........I could beat him over the head with a frying pan everydday for the rest of his life and I guarentee he will never feel the pain I have finding out about his secret life. I think he brings it up because he dosn't have much else to bitch about. Not that I am perfect but I guarentee my faults in this marriage pale in comparison to his sickness.

Just my 2 cents worth.

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#403060 - 07/09/12 08:38 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Same problem with my husband. He brings up every transgression I couldn't possibly even remember of the last 12 years. I finally let him have it yesterday, and I have to admit, he made an interesting point:

He wasn't bringing it up to lash out of misdirect anger. He brings it up because he was floating along in the relationship always being in the wrong. He felt so awful about himself that he didn't feel justified in bringing things up that hurt or upset him.

And I get this. I really do. HOWEVER, bring it up in context and not just when it pops into your damn head! Write it down and discuss it generally! I swear, it's like a weird case of Turrets Syndrome with him sometimes!

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#403103 - 07/10/12 06:34 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Tim

This is such a depressing story, and I am so sorry for your pain.
What I see here is that his world is being threatened, the accidental post has begun to wreck havoc on his secure little survivor world.
His fears of someone knowing that he is a survivor, of someone thinking that he is a pervert, and all those false beliefs are starting to play havoc on his mind.
The thing that ultimately helped me was that my wife instead of trying to draw closer to me started to pull away, she started to remove herself from my life, not as in moving out but as in emotionally.
These scared me, as she was my only support system, and If she was gone then I would have to start this all over again, finding a woman, abusing her mentally and financially until she was totally reliant on me and therefore be devoted to me and MY needs.
SEE A PATTERN HERE?
So she started to remove herself from me and I got scared, and it was through her actually starting to care for herself and not so much for poor little old me, that I got scared and started to seek answers.
Now that she was getting well and strong, she wouldn't need me any-more, and this scared seven types of stuff out of me.

The best advice that I can give you is, please get the Co Dependent no more Book available as a kindle and work the program, work it hard. Heal your self first and then you can work on him in a healthy way.

I hope that this helps you

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#403138 - 07/10/12 11:26 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:31 PM)

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#403146 - 07/10/12 12:15 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
TimHorton:

What your husband is doing is called "gaslighting", and it is mental ABUSE:

Gaslighting: A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent.
Often done by friends and family members, who claim (and may even believe) that they are trying to be helpful. The gaslighting abuser sees himself or herself as a nurturing parental figure in relation to the victim, and uses gaslighting as a means for keeping the victim in that relationship, perhaps as punishment for the victim's attempt to break out of the dependent role.


I have NO patience for your husband. He is an abuser. He may as well be beating you senseless day in and day out, but really, why go to that effort when he can so easily pummel you with his sadistic accusations and cruel taunts.

I don't give a s*** how abused your husband may, or may not have been. There is NO excuse for becoming an abuser himself. There is NO excuse for acting out. There is NO excuse for his behavior toward you.

Your husband wants out? He's making plans? SEE YA! Don't let the back door hit you in the arse on your way out!!! Don't allow him to torture you by slowly tightening the noose around your neck! Either tell him to get the eff out NOW, or YOU leave.

Your husband says he "loves you" but isn't "in love with you"? Bulls***, Sister!!!. He's acting out. I don't know exactly how, of course, but trust me, he's acting out somehow. There is something he's using (drugs? alcohol? maturbation? prostitutes? affairs? porn?) that he now loves more than you. Recovery helps one refocus on what they truly love instead of the thing they've been using to self-medicate.

The thought that he loves something more than you is terrifying! I get it! And it gets scarier because you both have a better chance at sanity (and life or death) if you let him go hit bottom with his "something". Once he's left to his "drug" he will eventually hit bottom. Then, and ONLY then will he have a chance to recover. ONLY after he begins recovery will your marriage stand a chance. ONLY after YOU begin your own recovery will you be ready to support him in a healthy manner. Of these three tasks, there is only ONE that YOU have any control over: Your Own Recovery.

There are books! READ! Google "codependancy" and "setting boundaries" and "abusive relationships".

There are support websites! SURF! Try www.recoverynation.com.

There are support groups! FIND 'EM! Call the abuse hotline and ask for help for your situation.

In your search I trust you will find the reason for your willingness to be abused, and in finding that reason will be able to break the deadly grip it's had on you.

I'm sorry this likely sounds so rough. I am typing this as if I'm talking to my very best friend. I want you to be okay. We all do.

Please grab ahold of the life preserver. And stop deleting your posts. They will help others, and will allow others to help you. If you are fearful that he will read them, what does that say about your situation???

herowannabe

- Your most recent post was posted while I was typing this. I LIKE your recent post! I see that you ARE doing the things suggested, and I applaud you! We can't ease your pain, but we in F&F do understand it. We have lived it. Many of us have had happy endings with our beloved. Most of us are still a work in progress. Fewer of us have lost our beloved. Know that the percentages are in your favor if you continue the hard work on YOU. I've edited my post to exclude the "cyber shaking" of sense into you. You obviously have a lot of sense and are doing all you can to help yourself, so my exhortations are pointless and would only serve to hurt- not help. I'm really, really proud of you. You are doing all you can to "fake it til you make it". And you WILL. We are here for you! Keep on doing the things that help YOU! Godspeed!




Edited by herowannabe (07/10/12 05:56 PM)
Edit Reason: Removed the pointless "cyber shaking"...
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#403271 - 07/11/12 10:35 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:31 PM)

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#403272 - 07/11/12 10:44 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Do you have a therapist? If not, find one. Today. You cannot process this all on your own.

If there is a way to reach out to him, to explain all that you have just written here, give it a try, and let him know you are going to seek help for yourself. Be prepared that he may not answer, but then at least you can you tried.

Please, please, please take care of yourself! Keep posting updates. We're all here for you.

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#403276 - 07/11/12 11:01 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:31 PM)

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#403282 - 07/11/12 11:34 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
ahyden Offline


Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 12
When I read your words I can clearly see how much pain there is behind it. I wish you could feel compassion for yourself, but I know it's hard.

Your situations is very difficult and I don't really have any answers... I am myself in a relationship and am trying to find a way.

I just wish to say to please not blame yourself. You deserve compassion even if you did things that harmed your husband.

When I read what you did I do not think that there is anything wrong with you, but how much pain, insecurity, frustration there must be.

We don't act like that because we are bad, but because we can't handle the emotions, because we needed and need support and understanding.

Please be kind to yourself and please talk to some family or therapist if you can, to help you go through this.

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#403357 - 07/11/12 10:38 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((((TimHorton)))))

Honey...sigh...I wish it was possible to send love and hugs and comfort through a keyboard. I'll do the best I can with this cold, hard instrument that separates your aching heart from my mine.

First, GOOD FOR YOU! You just took the first step of recovery! It's what you'll continuously hear here at MS, that you have to be honest. You have to tell someone. You have to get it out, expose it to light and air so the fungus that's destroying you stops growing!

Second, GOOD FOR YOUR HUSBAND! I don't say that to hurt you, because you are clearly howling in pain; I don't want to exacerbate your pain! I say good for your beloved because he just allowed you to do what had to happen for your recovery: he's allowed you to hit bottom. And you have. Hard.

Third, it's never, ever, ever too late! You've probably read many horror stories here at MS. Maybe you've shook your head in disbelief and wondered how a survivor can even begin to do the hard work of disclosure. Maybe you've wondered how a wife whose husband has given her an STD- the gift that keeps on giving- from the whores he's visited, can possibly stay and support his recovery. These things are truly nothing short of miraculous! Aren't miracles supposed to be rare??? MS is peppered with these stories! Your story can be one of those miraculous stories, too.

Your husband carries a heavy cross in dealing with the trauma of his abuse. There is a term for it: CSA. Your husband is a male survivor. What about you??? You, too, have suffered soul crushing abuse in your childhood. You, too, have been shaped and battered along the way by that abuse. Like your husband, your trauma has left you handicapped in areas that are a cake walk for a non-survivor.

Just like your husband needs professional help to help him heal from the affects of his trauma, YOU also must have some help! You must tell yourself the SAME thing you'd tell your husband: What happened to you was NOT your fault! You were a child who should have been protected, loved and nurtured into adulthood. You are the product of your experiences, but you are not the final sum of those experiences. Your injuries can't be seen in cuts, bruises and broken bones, yet your injuries are no less real! And they need professional help so they can be healed.

My husband/survivor hurt me terribly by sexually acting out with others. We have learned that, like you, he never wanted to hurt me; it was not his conscious intention to disrupt my life, much less destroy it! We have learned that his trauma greatly short-circuited his emotional development, and the dysfunction that resulted reached a point where it could no longer be stuffed away. Like your actions, his bubbled over and did damage. Like you, he did the very brutal work of admitting the truth and accepting the responsibility for his actions. Like you, he'd hit bottom. Hard. And with therapy and consistent honesty, he's been rising ever since.

At first, his apologies and obvious remorse and distress, self-hatred and depression, weren't enough to make me stay. We did separate for a while. But with time, I saw the very real change in him. He took advantage of every single method of recovery available. And slowly, oh so slowly, I began to feel hope for a future together. It's been almost two years and, though we remain a work in progress, our marriage is now better than it's ever been. We each are better people. We are stronger, wiser, more humble, and infinately more grateful for the truth that all kinds of good can, and will come from bad, if you work hard.

If you can aggressively work to heal from your trauma so you can learn and employ safe, healthy ways to express your frustrations, fears and anger, your husband will see that. I hope you both find yourselves supporting each other in recovery. But, if that is not to be, then you will still be better for your work than you are right now. You will be a whole, healthy, happy person.

Be mindful to not pursue recovery as a means to an end (of winning back your husband). You will fall flat on your face unless your motivation comes from a desire to become a better you for your own self. Once you're ready to accept the gifts God has in store for you, you'll be given them all!

We are here for you, and we're cheering for you!

Wishing you peace and renewal-
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#403373 - 07/12/12 03:04 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Tim Horton

I read your posts and I want to cry. Your husband did a real hack job on you. He is such and efficient abuser that you are convinced that you did it all.
In all the cases I have looked at, yours is probably the worst.
The need to follow the Co Dependency program is vital now.
If I were you I would take Hero's advice and go home and tell him to leave, tell him to stop abusing you and taunting you, If he wants to leave, then leave and do it now.

The next important thing is that I can pretty much guarantee you that you did nothing wrong. You have been a loving attentive wife. What has happened is that he has blamed you for all his shortcomings and hangups. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You are suffering from victims syndrome, when the perpetrator has abused you so badly that you actually believe his lies.
Get into a safe place, NOW. Make sure that you are safe and comfortable and you will see that with SEPARATION WILL COME CLARITY.
Remember that your husband is the commander of his future and you cannot force him to heal. If he chooses not to it is not your fault.happiness in your relationship, But in order for there to be any chance of happiness he must be in a program.

Take Control of your life, I KNOW IT HURTS, but the pain that you will go through if you stay in this dysfunctional relationship, will be worse.

Love yourself Please.
Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#403383 - 07/12/12 08:29 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
It is important that we allow the supporter and the survivor to find their own paths, not to persuade them to an action because we feel it is the right one for them. It is difficult to read about the real time experiences of one suffering for a survivor, it can trigger us to re-live our own regret in surviving and recovery. It must be clear that whatever action is taken, it is a conclusion that the supporter has chosen, not one that is made emotionally or under pressure, even by those who are well meaning. We may need to follow our own advice, to step back and reason on the situation before responding. A part of the guidelines gives us insight into this;
Quote:
before posting your own "feeling" response to the post that triggered you, then write your response with "I" statements and without saying "YOU...


Please fellow survivors and supporters, let's encourage those hurt among us to come to their own conclusions,

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#403390 - 07/12/12 10:38 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
I agree with sasuva. each must find their own way and look back at their own lives and look at what they did or did not do. I believe we all would like to do our best but it does not always turn out that way. Survivors grapple with pain, confusion and triggers. Supporters give of themselves and try to help-they have a difficult challenge but they must take care of themselves first and not become codependent with the survivor. We each have different pains and hurts--because they occurred at different points in our lives. The supporter can decide to be a supporter or not, the survivor had no choice for the abuse, the supporter has the choice--stay or leave.

The survivor is hurting and in pain. We have never had the life of a child free of guilt and shame. We tend to look at everything with skepticism. I have asked that I do not wake, just let the pain stop--stop reliving the abuse and regrets that I am still here. Healing helps to resolve some of these feelings, but we must accept the abuse first and then learn to love ourselves.

A survivor hurts and sees actions of others differently. I have heard people say spitting on a person is not abuse, locking a person in a room is not abuse, ransacking and vandalizing property,computers cars, etc on an on going basis is not stalking or abuse. And their are lesser extremes to these acts. So what one defines as abuse seems to vary even though I see it as abuse. If the victim sees it as abuse, it is abuse to the victim and will shape their thoughts. The actions can be triggers to the past and unravel the survivors life.

I have always been distrustful, skeptical and never truly loved myself. So how I saw actions of others, may be different than how others saw these same actions. But with healing I am seeing life in new eyes, new eyes for myself first (as every survivor should and every supporter should), people and pleasure. I am not letting abuse control me, I do not want to relive the abuse in reality or in flashbacks (but triggers make the latter more difficult to fully eliminate). The survivor needs to take control of their lives and not let the past or present control who they are and who they can be.

I know without support I would not be where I am today--so supporters you have a difficult road. We have many issues to deal with and having someone there is truly a godsend (you may not see now, but when true healing begins, I hope you do.) Take care of yourself and remember who you are.


Edited by KMCINVA (07/12/12 10:40 AM)

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#403398 - 07/12/12 01:22 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Gentlemen... please read TH's most recent post, please! For the sake of another's safety, I have to point out the 'stern' responses given in reply to TH's second most recent post was prompted by the clear message that she was enduring intense emotional and mental abuse, and physical abuse of het was verbalize as being a desire of the husband's. Please do not encourage others to shut up while someone is being abused and is in immanent danger! To stand by silently is certainly not support. Never forget that bad things happen because good people do nothing.




Edited by herowannabe (07/12/12 02:00 PM)
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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