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#403373 - 07/12/12 03:04 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Tim Horton

I read your posts and I want to cry. Your husband did a real hack job on you. He is such and efficient abuser that you are convinced that you did it all.
In all the cases I have looked at, yours is probably the worst.
The need to follow the Co Dependency program is vital now.
If I were you I would take Hero's advice and go home and tell him to leave, tell him to stop abusing you and taunting you, If he wants to leave, then leave and do it now.

The next important thing is that I can pretty much guarantee you that you did nothing wrong. You have been a loving attentive wife. What has happened is that he has blamed you for all his shortcomings and hangups. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You are suffering from victims syndrome, when the perpetrator has abused you so badly that you actually believe his lies.
Get into a safe place, NOW. Make sure that you are safe and comfortable and you will see that with SEPARATION WILL COME CLARITY.
Remember that your husband is the commander of his future and you cannot force him to heal. If he chooses not to it is not your fault.happiness in your relationship, But in order for there to be any chance of happiness he must be in a program.

Take Control of your life, I KNOW IT HURTS, but the pain that you will go through if you stay in this dysfunctional relationship, will be worse.

Love yourself Please.
Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#403383 - 07/12/12 08:29 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
It is important that we allow the supporter and the survivor to find their own paths, not to persuade them to an action because we feel it is the right one for them. It is difficult to read about the real time experiences of one suffering for a survivor, it can trigger us to re-live our own regret in surviving and recovery. It must be clear that whatever action is taken, it is a conclusion that the supporter has chosen, not one that is made emotionally or under pressure, even by those who are well meaning. We may need to follow our own advice, to step back and reason on the situation before responding. A part of the guidelines gives us insight into this;
Quote:
before posting your own "feeling" response to the post that triggered you, then write your response with "I" statements and without saying "YOU...


Please fellow survivors and supporters, let's encourage those hurt among us to come to their own conclusions,

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#403390 - 07/12/12 10:38 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1614
I agree with sasuva. each must find their own way and look back at their own lives and look at what they did or did not do. I believe we all would like to do our best but it does not always turn out that way. Survivors grapple with pain, confusion and triggers. Supporters give of themselves and try to help-they have a difficult challenge but they must take care of themselves first and not become codependent with the survivor. We each have different pains and hurts--because they occurred at different points in our lives. The supporter can decide to be a supporter or not, the survivor had no choice for the abuse, the supporter has the choice--stay or leave.

The survivor is hurting and in pain. We have never had the life of a child free of guilt and shame. We tend to look at everything with skepticism. I have asked that I do not wake, just let the pain stop--stop reliving the abuse and regrets that I am still here. Healing helps to resolve some of these feelings, but we must accept the abuse first and then learn to love ourselves.

A survivor hurts and sees actions of others differently. I have heard people say spitting on a person is not abuse, locking a person in a room is not abuse, ransacking and vandalizing property,computers cars, etc on an on going basis is not stalking or abuse. And their are lesser extremes to these acts. So what one defines as abuse seems to vary even though I see it as abuse. If the victim sees it as abuse, it is abuse to the victim and will shape their thoughts. The actions can be triggers to the past and unravel the survivors life.

I have always been distrustful, skeptical and never truly loved myself. So how I saw actions of others, may be different than how others saw these same actions. But with healing I am seeing life in new eyes, new eyes for myself first (as every survivor should and every supporter should), people and pleasure. I am not letting abuse control me, I do not want to relive the abuse in reality or in flashbacks (but triggers make the latter more difficult to fully eliminate). The survivor needs to take control of their lives and not let the past or present control who they are and who they can be.

I know without support I would not be where I am today--so supporters you have a difficult road. We have many issues to deal with and having someone there is truly a godsend (you may not see now, but when true healing begins, I hope you do.) Take care of yourself and remember who you are.


Edited by KMCINVA (07/12/12 10:40 AM)

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#403398 - 07/12/12 01:22 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Gentlemen... please read TH's most recent post, please! For the sake of another's safety, I have to point out the 'stern' responses given in reply to TH's second most recent post was prompted by the clear message that she was enduring intense emotional and mental abuse, and physical abuse of het was verbalize as being a desire of the husband's. Please do not encourage others to shut up while someone is being abused and is in immanent danger! To stand by silently is certainly not support. Never forget that bad things happen because good people do nothing.




Edited by herowannabe (07/12/12 02:00 PM)
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For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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