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#403038 - 07/09/12 04:14 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
I don't know this for a fact, TH, but maybe he is projecting all his shit at his perps onto you because you are there. You are closest to him. It seems like some severely misdirected anger and blowing shit way out of proportion. Maybe this way he can leave and feel like it is your fault so he doesn't have to feel guilty for leaving or feel like a failure. Maybe during your fights he felt powerless and helpless like he did with his perp?

None of this is your fault. it is his shit. We, wives, have been thrown into some extraordinarily painful situations and maybe we don't always act perfect.

My husband who has cheated with hookers and men, lied about money and drinking and basically fucked with my head for the first 5 yrs of our relationships LOVES to bring up one thing I said that was the wrong thing when all this came to light. REALLY? I have to laugh after all the things he has done and he brings this up. It is funny.........I could beat him over the head with a frying pan everydday for the rest of his life and I guarentee he will never feel the pain I have finding out about his secret life. I think he brings it up because he dosn't have much else to bitch about. Not that I am perfect but I guarentee my faults in this marriage pale in comparison to his sickness.

Just my 2 cents worth.

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#403060 - 07/09/12 08:38 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Same problem with my husband. He brings up every transgression I couldn't possibly even remember of the last 12 years. I finally let him have it yesterday, and I have to admit, he made an interesting point:

He wasn't bringing it up to lash out of misdirect anger. He brings it up because he was floating along in the relationship always being in the wrong. He felt so awful about himself that he didn't feel justified in bringing things up that hurt or upset him.

And I get this. I really do. HOWEVER, bring it up in context and not just when it pops into your damn head! Write it down and discuss it generally! I swear, it's like a weird case of Turrets Syndrome with him sometimes!

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#403103 - 07/10/12 06:34 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Tim

This is such a depressing story, and I am so sorry for your pain.
What I see here is that his world is being threatened, the accidental post has begun to wreck havoc on his secure little survivor world.
His fears of someone knowing that he is a survivor, of someone thinking that he is a pervert, and all those false beliefs are starting to play havoc on his mind.
The thing that ultimately helped me was that my wife instead of trying to draw closer to me started to pull away, she started to remove herself from my life, not as in moving out but as in emotionally.
These scared me, as she was my only support system, and If she was gone then I would have to start this all over again, finding a woman, abusing her mentally and financially until she was totally reliant on me and therefore be devoted to me and MY needs.
SEE A PATTERN HERE?
So she started to remove herself from me and I got scared, and it was through her actually starting to care for herself and not so much for poor little old me, that I got scared and started to seek answers.
Now that she was getting well and strong, she wouldn't need me any-more, and this scared seven types of stuff out of me.

The best advice that I can give you is, please get the Co Dependent no more Book available as a kindle and work the program, work it hard. Heal your self first and then you can work on him in a healthy way.

I hope that this helps you

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#403138 - 07/10/12 11:26 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:31 PM)

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#403146 - 07/10/12 12:15 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
TimHorton:

What your husband is doing is called "gaslighting", and it is mental ABUSE:

Gaslighting: A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent.
Often done by friends and family members, who claim (and may even believe) that they are trying to be helpful. The gaslighting abuser sees himself or herself as a nurturing parental figure in relation to the victim, and uses gaslighting as a means for keeping the victim in that relationship, perhaps as punishment for the victim's attempt to break out of the dependent role.


I have NO patience for your husband. He is an abuser. He may as well be beating you senseless day in and day out, but really, why go to that effort when he can so easily pummel you with his sadistic accusations and cruel taunts.

I don't give a s*** how abused your husband may, or may not have been. There is NO excuse for becoming an abuser himself. There is NO excuse for acting out. There is NO excuse for his behavior toward you.

Your husband wants out? He's making plans? SEE YA! Don't let the back door hit you in the arse on your way out!!! Don't allow him to torture you by slowly tightening the noose around your neck! Either tell him to get the eff out NOW, or YOU leave.

Your husband says he "loves you" but isn't "in love with you"? Bulls***, Sister!!!. He's acting out. I don't know exactly how, of course, but trust me, he's acting out somehow. There is something he's using (drugs? alcohol? maturbation? prostitutes? affairs? porn?) that he now loves more than you. Recovery helps one refocus on what they truly love instead of the thing they've been using to self-medicate.

The thought that he loves something more than you is terrifying! I get it! And it gets scarier because you both have a better chance at sanity (and life or death) if you let him go hit bottom with his "something". Once he's left to his "drug" he will eventually hit bottom. Then, and ONLY then will he have a chance to recover. ONLY after he begins recovery will your marriage stand a chance. ONLY after YOU begin your own recovery will you be ready to support him in a healthy manner. Of these three tasks, there is only ONE that YOU have any control over: Your Own Recovery.

There are books! READ! Google "codependancy" and "setting boundaries" and "abusive relationships".

There are support websites! SURF! Try www.recoverynation.com.

There are support groups! FIND 'EM! Call the abuse hotline and ask for help for your situation.

In your search I trust you will find the reason for your willingness to be abused, and in finding that reason will be able to break the deadly grip it's had on you.

I'm sorry this likely sounds so rough. I am typing this as if I'm talking to my very best friend. I want you to be okay. We all do.

Please grab ahold of the life preserver. And stop deleting your posts. They will help others, and will allow others to help you. If you are fearful that he will read them, what does that say about your situation???

herowannabe

- Your most recent post was posted while I was typing this. I LIKE your recent post! I see that you ARE doing the things suggested, and I applaud you! We can't ease your pain, but we in F&F do understand it. We have lived it. Many of us have had happy endings with our beloved. Most of us are still a work in progress. Fewer of us have lost our beloved. Know that the percentages are in your favor if you continue the hard work on YOU. I've edited my post to exclude the "cyber shaking" of sense into you. You obviously have a lot of sense and are doing all you can to help yourself, so my exhortations are pointless and would only serve to hurt- not help. I'm really, really proud of you. You are doing all you can to "fake it til you make it". And you WILL. We are here for you! Keep on doing the things that help YOU! Godspeed!




Edited by herowannabe (07/10/12 05:56 PM)
Edit Reason: Removed the pointless "cyber shaking"...
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#403271 - 07/11/12 10:35 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:31 PM)

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#403272 - 07/11/12 10:44 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Do you have a therapist? If not, find one. Today. You cannot process this all on your own.

If there is a way to reach out to him, to explain all that you have just written here, give it a try, and let him know you are going to seek help for yourself. Be prepared that he may not answer, but then at least you can you tried.

Please, please, please take care of yourself! Keep posting updates. We're all here for you.

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#403276 - 07/11/12 11:01 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:31 PM)

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#403282 - 07/11/12 11:34 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
ahyden Offline


Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 12
When I read your words I can clearly see how much pain there is behind it. I wish you could feel compassion for yourself, but I know it's hard.

Your situations is very difficult and I don't really have any answers... I am myself in a relationship and am trying to find a way.

I just wish to say to please not blame yourself. You deserve compassion even if you did things that harmed your husband.

When I read what you did I do not think that there is anything wrong with you, but how much pain, insecurity, frustration there must be.

We don't act like that because we are bad, but because we can't handle the emotions, because we needed and need support and understanding.

Please be kind to yourself and please talk to some family or therapist if you can, to help you go through this.

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#403357 - 07/11/12 10:38 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((((TimHorton)))))

Honey...sigh...I wish it was possible to send love and hugs and comfort through a keyboard. I'll do the best I can with this cold, hard instrument that separates your aching heart from my mine.

First, GOOD FOR YOU! You just took the first step of recovery! It's what you'll continuously hear here at MS, that you have to be honest. You have to tell someone. You have to get it out, expose it to light and air so the fungus that's destroying you stops growing!

Second, GOOD FOR YOUR HUSBAND! I don't say that to hurt you, because you are clearly howling in pain; I don't want to exacerbate your pain! I say good for your beloved because he just allowed you to do what had to happen for your recovery: he's allowed you to hit bottom. And you have. Hard.

Third, it's never, ever, ever too late! You've probably read many horror stories here at MS. Maybe you've shook your head in disbelief and wondered how a survivor can even begin to do the hard work of disclosure. Maybe you've wondered how a wife whose husband has given her an STD- the gift that keeps on giving- from the whores he's visited, can possibly stay and support his recovery. These things are truly nothing short of miraculous! Aren't miracles supposed to be rare??? MS is peppered with these stories! Your story can be one of those miraculous stories, too.

Your husband carries a heavy cross in dealing with the trauma of his abuse. There is a term for it: CSA. Your husband is a male survivor. What about you??? You, too, have suffered soul crushing abuse in your childhood. You, too, have been shaped and battered along the way by that abuse. Like your husband, your trauma has left you handicapped in areas that are a cake walk for a non-survivor.

Just like your husband needs professional help to help him heal from the affects of his trauma, YOU also must have some help! You must tell yourself the SAME thing you'd tell your husband: What happened to you was NOT your fault! You were a child who should have been protected, loved and nurtured into adulthood. You are the product of your experiences, but you are not the final sum of those experiences. Your injuries can't be seen in cuts, bruises and broken bones, yet your injuries are no less real! And they need professional help so they can be healed.

My husband/survivor hurt me terribly by sexually acting out with others. We have learned that, like you, he never wanted to hurt me; it was not his conscious intention to disrupt my life, much less destroy it! We have learned that his trauma greatly short-circuited his emotional development, and the dysfunction that resulted reached a point where it could no longer be stuffed away. Like your actions, his bubbled over and did damage. Like you, he did the very brutal work of admitting the truth and accepting the responsibility for his actions. Like you, he'd hit bottom. Hard. And with therapy and consistent honesty, he's been rising ever since.

At first, his apologies and obvious remorse and distress, self-hatred and depression, weren't enough to make me stay. We did separate for a while. But with time, I saw the very real change in him. He took advantage of every single method of recovery available. And slowly, oh so slowly, I began to feel hope for a future together. It's been almost two years and, though we remain a work in progress, our marriage is now better than it's ever been. We each are better people. We are stronger, wiser, more humble, and infinately more grateful for the truth that all kinds of good can, and will come from bad, if you work hard.

If you can aggressively work to heal from your trauma so you can learn and employ safe, healthy ways to express your frustrations, fears and anger, your husband will see that. I hope you both find yourselves supporting each other in recovery. But, if that is not to be, then you will still be better for your work than you are right now. You will be a whole, healthy, happy person.

Be mindful to not pursue recovery as a means to an end (of winning back your husband). You will fall flat on your face unless your motivation comes from a desire to become a better you for your own self. Once you're ready to accept the gifts God has in store for you, you'll be given them all!

We are here for you, and we're cheering for you!

Wishing you peace and renewal-
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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