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#402905 - 07/08/12 06:54 PM I am his abuser (long). Help.
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:30 PM)

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#402909 - 07/08/12 07:37 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
You are not an abuser. He is projecting his anger on to you instead of his actual abuser.

I went through something terribly similar recently. Had to give my husband space. Went to the therapist together. He left 3 weeks ago for a business trip. I am seeing him for the first time coming weekend. Keeping my fingers crossed.....

This is so horrible for you. I hope some time and space will help. Been reading "Allies in Healing" and it has been a great help to me. It's written for partners of survivors.

Good luck to you. Keep posting. And focus on yourself and your own healing for a while.

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#402968 - 07/09/12 02:33 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:30 PM)

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#402976 - 07/09/12 03:54 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
JLM35 Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Earth
Our wives certainly put up with a lot of shit and my wife is very deserving of some type of medal.

don't think you are an abuser. I think your husband is dealing with severe depression and most likely PTSD, and I'm sure he also has trust issues and maybe even abandonment issues also. It sounds like he's going though a rough time in his life and just like so many of us do, myself included, we set our sights on those closest to us.

Maybe space isn't such a bad thing. Maybe a separation might actually help the marraige. I know that everytime my wife wanted to address issues earlier in our marriage, I ran away. I ignored her and the idea that she just wanted to know about the nightmare that just woke me up, or if I was scared, or what she could do to protect me and make me feel safe when I'm with her. My wife is an amazing woman, and if she had left me way back then, I would've deserved it. I've been making up for the way I treated her everyday for the last 5-6 years.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you and I'm sorry that your husband is dealing with these issues. Maybe if you both had some space and time away from one another, he would better appreciate how much you love and support him, and maybe in that time you can become educated on how to approach your husband and make him feel safe and loved.

I wish you and your husband well.

JLM

Send me a private message if you need to talk further.
_________________________
"I hurt myself today... to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain... the only thing that's real." - Johnny Cash

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#402984 - 07/09/12 08:11 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Wow. That is a heavy burden he placed on you. Seriously, sister, get yourself to a therapist. Look for one who specializes in trauma or sex abuse.

When my husband left three weeks ago for his business trip, I was supposed to join him. We were so bad at the time, he cut my trip with him off. If has been a really hard three weeks of soul searching, agony, and ultimately - epiphanies.

This break was the best thing that could have happened to us. Once I took the time to focus on me, I could our situation so much more clearly. I have a different approach. I feel like I have a different heart.

Take this time for yourself. Start your own healing. I hate absolutely hate that saying "if you love somebody set them free...." but dammit it all if it hasn't been proven true in my case.

I hope you and your husband can get there too.

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#402994 - 07/09/12 09:39 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
Steve0123 Offline


Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
You're so not his abuser...but could you be co-dependent?

I have made several women think there was something wrong with them...I have made them feel unattractive b/c I wouldn't sleep with them...I have made them feel selfish b/c I was needy...etc.

Although impossible to believe sometimes it really is "me" and not "you"...

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#403001 - 07/09/12 10:47 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:30 PM)

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#403009 - 07/09/12 11:32 AM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
JLM35 Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Earth
I can't comment on what his depression might be like. We all go through so much crap when we're depressed, and I'm thankful that my wife never held a grudge against me because of the way I treated her. I wasn't exactly mean or abusive toward her, but I was distant, untrusting, quiet, and whenever she asked about anything, I shrugged it off, ignored her, or ran away. When it comes to depress I think everyone is an individual. I've gone through so severe depression that I have blocked out periods of my life and this was well after the abuse ended. Your husband sounds like he also has severe attachment issues and I can relate very well to that. He just doesn't want to feel. We never want to feel, because our memories of "feeling" were memories of pain, humiliation, despair, anger, confusion, and innocence lost.

I don't think you are an abuser. Sometimes we victims have a way of laying the load on those people closest to us. You're in his line of fire right now and that's why I think it would be best for you to maybe separate for awhile... maybe forever. Since I came forward about my abuse in 2003 and reported it to law enforcement and the DA, I have learned one very important element to my experiences; It wasn't my fault! It wasn't the fault of my parents or anyone else who didn't have a clue what was going on in my life. It certainly wasn't my wife's fault. It's not your fault either!

Your husband is dealing with some tough issues right now and it just seems to me like he needs his time and you need yours. I hope whatever you decide to do will be the right choice. I wish you luck!

JLM
_________________________
"I hurt myself today... to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain... the only thing that's real." - Johnny Cash

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#403031 - 07/09/12 02:36 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
.


Edited by TimHorton (07/20/12 01:31 PM)

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#403032 - 07/09/12 03:02 PM Re: I am his abuser (long). Help. [Re: TimHorton]
alw72 Offline


Registered: 07/08/12
Posts: 9
Loc: New York
TimHorton~

This sounds like a lot of displaced anger on you. While my husband never told me that I was abusive to him he did try for the longest time to say mean and hurtful things to me to see if I would leave. "Because everyone always leaves me" was his thought process. It was like he was testing my love, my commitment to him and seeing how much he could trust me. I felt like I had another child in my life and then it hit me, I DID! He was emotionally stuck as a young child and still is a lot of the time as this healing process is two step forward three back. It helps when I can remember this when I get so frustrated with him.

I am so happy you are in therapy because that is such a tremendous help for you. For you to be able to take care of you...not for you to learn how to take care of him. Some day you'll be able to understand with clarity that this isn't about you and you are in control of your own self esteem. I promise you'll get there with continued therapy, boundries and patience.

PM me anytime....

Prayers and Strenght~

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