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#402950 - 07/08/12 11:41 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
alw72 Offline


Registered: 07/08/12
Posts: 9
Loc: New York
KL24~
I am new to this site, like 8 minutes new. I came here to find some support for me as the wife of a victim on his way to becoming a survivor and hopefully eventually a thriver. I will be married to my husband 12 years this month and we have 2 wonderful sons together. You question really hits home to me today because that is a question I have been struggling with since I found out about his abuse 8 years ago. Would I have married him if I knew that our life would change the moment he spoke the first words of his abuse? Yes, he had never spoken the words out loud until 8 years ago. A small part of me wants to tell you to run and run fast...but those are selfish reasons. My relationship is difficult, very difficult at times but all relationships are difficult. We have dealt with his alcohol abuse, his denial of the abuse affecting him, porn issues, gender and sexuality issues and the list goes on... My relationship is also warm, loving, kind, real, intimate (not in a sexual way), honest, special and the list goes on. Its taken me a long time and lots of therapy to wrap my head around that his rejection isn't personal, it isn't about me. It's hard when society, or your own families relationships have told you that a relationship should look like "x" and yours looks like "z". You asked if you would want what you have for your son or daughter? That is a loaded question...I hope that what was done to my husband will never be done to my children. But if fate were to take that course I would want my son to have someone like me or you to walk with them in life. To show them that love doesn't have to hurt, that love is patient and love is kind...and love is a partner spending time finding resources on the internet to help them both in a relationship that means so much.

Prayer and strength to you~

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#402957 - 07/09/12 12:51 AM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
ALNON and CODA, two great groups that help with getting your stuff in line. I went to a meeting of each last week and, OMFG, did I get called out for the self-sabotaging behavior I have indulged in!

Books, yes. Therapy, absolutely. Forums, hell yes! Support groups, add them to the list!

Good luck KL24. Check back in and let us all know how you are doing!

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#402958 - 07/09/12 12:53 AM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
alw72 - Welcome! Sorry you need to be here, but misery loves company, so we're glad to have you!

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#402959 - 07/09/12 01:03 AM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: Valkyrie]
alw72 Offline


Registered: 07/08/12
Posts: 9
Loc: New York
Valkyrie~ Sad I need to be here but SO glad to have found you and realize I am not alone. My life as a wife of a CSA victim is not unique. Our stories are similar, our husbands quirks are similar and most important I am finally not alone! I really think I can sleep tonight...For years I have said that "Tomorrow I will look for something on the internet" I finally took that scary step, got off Facebook and typed the words "spouses of CSA". And here I am...I haven't realized how heavy carrying that feeling of "we are the only ones with all these issues" in our marriage was to me. Yes, our therapist has told us we are not unique but until I have read some of the threads here I didn't believe it!

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#402961 - 07/09/12 01:14 AM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Sad thing is. I love my husband dearly and wish only the best for him but we ignore their limitations. We pretend to ourselves that they can learn or change. I am now of the belief that these wonderful amazing men. Are who they are. They are damaged and some beyond repair. Do not expect that they will be or behave like other men. They can't. They just can't. You need to look at them like one would a diabetic or any other person with limitations. They can't eat sugar like other people. They can't be in "regular" relationships like other men. They are different. They just are.
It is what it is.
What would I say to my 20 year old self? 24 years ago. Move on Annie. He is going to break your heart. Not because he doesn't love you. But because he can't love you the way you need.


Edited by Anniemy4sons (07/09/12 01:14 AM)
_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#402979 - 07/09/12 05:40 AM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
alw72 I just wanted to tell you that your post brought a tear to my eye.

I am also very new to the site (a few weeks), and I am in a similar position to KL24 where Im wondering whether to stay or go as I have been with my partner for only 2 years.
My life also changed, like a tornado had hit, when he spoke the words of his CSA for the first time in his life. I am the only person that knows to this day, it has been 6 months since he told me. I have dealt with his denial issues, and he seems to be currently switching from denial to accepting that the abuse has affecting him (but will only mention it when very drunk).

Are things better now than they were when he told you?

Quote:
But if fate were to take that course I would want my son to have someone like me or you to walk with them in life. To show them that love doesn't have to hurt, that love is patient and love is kind...and love is a partner spending time finding resources on the internet to help them both in a relationship that means so much.

This is beautiful and the kind of thing I tell myself everyday :o)

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#402983 - 07/09/12 08:02 AM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
I had a two and half hour talk with husband last night after a coming down from a really bad month, and he and I taking a couple of weeks to break from each other.

For the first time since the proverbial s*** hit the fan in our lives 7 months ago, he told me exactly where he was in his head, why he was there, and what I could do to help. He also apologized for the hell he has been putting me through.

I told him where I was in my head, why I was there, and my recent realization that while I love him and support him, my actions has not been showing that. I also informed him that I was going to start calling him out on his crap without fear of triggering him.

We both agreed that there is no road map for this. That we are both going to make mistakes. That we both may hurt each other in the process. BUT we are both committed to getting through this - together.

2 days ago I was ready to leave. Yesterday, I decided to stay. Today I actually have hope.

Real hope.

...it's a good day today...

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#402991 - 07/09/12 09:32 AM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
I am going to be blunt and honest...No, I wouldn't have married him had I known what i was in for. I would have been his friend and encouraged him to get help and then who knows, maybe. But if I had known about his secret life(ves), I absolutely woulndt have married him. I would have been a friend, but a very detached one. The pain I have been through, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

And as for my daughters, hell no. I would beg them not to leave. As the wife of a survivor and sex addict, I am in recovery to ensure that the dysfunction stops with me. I do not want my girls to marry into this life so I am trying to recover and figure out how I got here, how I married someone so unhealthy and didn't see it.

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#402992 - 07/09/12 09:33 AM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
beg them TO leave....typo.

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#402996 - 07/09/12 09:48 AM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Also, KL24, you said you were lonely with him and lonely without him. If you are without him, you have a chance to find someone else to ease the loneliness. If you are with him, you will have no way to ease the loneliness except to come here on this board.;)

As for sleeping with 2 girls when u two broke up? Of course he did. Probably because there was no emotional connection so it was easy. In my marriage, I think the fact that we are emotionally connected in a shallow way is ruining our sex life. It is much easier to have sex with strangers. Is that what you want out of your relationship? It is not supposed to be this way. It is so fucking painful, I can'[t tell you how painful it is. PM me anytime if you want. I have met the most amazing women on here whose support has been invaluble to me.

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