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#402913 - 07/08/12 08:01 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
KL24 Offline


Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
you guys are so brave and so great. i really appreciate this forum and all of you for opening up to me

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#402914 - 07/08/12 08:25 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
What a wonderful question. Today I am staying. Yesterday I was ready for divorce during an argument. Tomorrow I'm cautiously optimistic.

I do know that until I started doing my own work I would have been destined to find someone who was emotionally perplexing. I've got enough wreckage in my own wake to prove it, too.

It wasn't until my guy pulled away so completely that I got my butt into a place where I needed to do the work. I couldn't leave. I had to find a way to stay.

I'm not in a position to take children's needs into consideration. My family thinks I'm nuts. Then again, I think THeY should have ended their relationships, so that cancels each other out, doesn't it??:) A good lesson there is the pattern of unhealthy relationships that has been in my family history.

That said, this is a very personal decision. I'm just starting to make my "deal breaker" list. It's much different now that I'm learning better self care than it would have been a year ago for sure, tho.

Key is to make sure you stay healthy. Understanding is one thing, but subjecting ourselves over and over to unhealthy behavior is another. Being treated badly can still hurt. Plus, if you step back, you give them time and space to be better themselves.

So much to say on this, and I'll probably be back to say some more, but hopefully that gives you some additional insight.

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#402916 - 07/08/12 08:31 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
KL24 Offline


Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
thank you haps!
do you ever feel like your work is not enough though? i am in therapy and reading too and i get scared that i am slaving away to change who i am in order to fit someones needs...

i think i am afraid, i am afraid to work through all this again and have it all fall apart again.. i get so tired of the "break up" feeling, like "its over this time" and it hurrts then we work it out... and then it happens all over again... i know i have issues with fear, anxiety but this relationship seems to heighten all of them without any release...

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#402917 - 07/08/12 08:40 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
You haven't been together even a year yet and already he slept with two other girls? I understand how that is complicated by the abuse, but had my husband done that to me that early on (we were 5 years in when it did happen), I would have been out the door, abuse or no abuse.

Stay friends with him but save yourself. You are trying to build a relationship with a man who is trying to rebuild himself, which means you are not getting all of him because he cannot give it to you.

Maybe down the road he will be in a place to have the relationship you want, but it could be years. In the meantime, you are signing up for a heck of a lot of heartache and loneliness.

I understand the desire to see it through, I really do, but you are not that far invested to put it on hold, remain friends, and put your own life back together.

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#402919 - 07/08/12 08:54 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
KL24 Offline


Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
how do i stay friends when i like him? it seems so complicated- it seems like my options are seeing it through or losing contact... being friends with an ex is difficult being friends with an ex who you have walked through CSA with is even harder to do....

you are right i am definitely trying to be with someone who is trying to put their own life back together...then i feel bad though, i feel like i am being judgemental... maybe i have boundary issues too

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#402920 - 07/08/12 08:54 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
KL24 Offline


Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
like...is the wrong word i do love him.

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#402923 - 07/08/12 08:58 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Oh, all the darn time!! Anxiety is my middle name. Your post rings something in me that I was so afraid to deal with myself -- What's going on with me that I don't feel like I can live without this guy?

Well, a 12-step program (Al-Anon), accupuncture, and EMDR later, I've realized I don't know what it's like to live for me. I've attached every bit of my being to this guy. Started out fun! Drunk, but fun. Cuddling, close, together... Everything I needed to set me up for a trigger later on. AWOL? Hello "freaking the hell out!" my life had become something Lifetime movies are made of - not real life.

So, if someone would have told me something I would have listened to with what I know now --- Be friends. Focus on you. Take inspiration from the work we see being done on these boards and do your own work. Grab Codependent No More. Read it 3x and DO the exercises. Find a group and sponsor who won't let you off the hook but loves you unconditionally. (I asked my Sponsor today "Dont u get sick of hearing my same story?" She said "Are you sick of living it yet?") Learn what unconditional love is. We have put "strings" on our love to them, and that's hard to untangle right now. I've literally only had this light bulb turned on in my brain in the past 72 hours at most, but there's certainly something here.

Sorry if that's harsh. It's very much "mine" for the ownership in terms of giving myself a hard look at me, but hopefully something works for ya.

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#402925 - 07/08/12 09:06 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
No one is questioning your love. But you cannot stay in this guy's life and expect to have a safe, functioning, emotional, loving, and healthy relationship right now.

His needs comes first. He has to put his life back together. Romance needs to go on the back burner. And your needs will always be secondary. DO NOT BECOME CO-DEPENDENT.

Be his friend. Love him as a friend. Maybe in time, that relationship could be more. Then again, maybe not. Ever.

All relationships are a gamble. But you have to accept the reality of now. Who he is now. Who you are now. You and he are not in the same place right now.

It's awful. It really is, this rollercoaster ride we partners are on. Like Haps, I'm here today. Yesterday, I was looking for rooms to rent and wondering how we could ever afford a divorce. Tomorrow? Who the hell knows.

You really want to sign up for that after being with him for less than a year and with two incidents of him cheating on you?

You are not being judgmental. You are being realistic. And maybe you do have boundary issues. Get to a therapist and figure your own stuff out before you commit to this any further. You could save yourself a lot of gut-wrenching, soul-crushing chaos.

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#402935 - 07/08/12 09:55 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 416
You asked 2 different questions. I'll answer the easy one first. What would I tell a young woman pursuing a relationship? It would be "don't." I would not advise continuing in a relationship w someone who has DEMONSTRATED untrustworthiness. I remember catching my then boyfriend now husband in a small lie. I freaked because I believed (knew?) if you'll lie about small things you'll lie about big things. I called him on it, he fessed up, assured me it wouldn't happen again (but that too, was a lie). If you want to remain friends and see how progresses, that would be fine but don't waste your youth waiting on him. If he worked a recovery program and he DEMONSTRATES healing, and you happen to be free and so is he, well, different conversation!

If i had it to do over again Would I marry my husband. I've answered that question on this board before. It's a complicated answer because it would depend on what I knew about CSA. My husband is charming, funny, smart, kind--if he said I was molested as a kid but now I'm fine, I would have believe him. If I read what I've read since disclosure 7 years into our marriage, I honestly don't know. I'm a weird person, I like statistics, I often make decisions based on them. I'm in this thing for the long haul and these are not odds I would choose, but this is the hand dealt to us and I'm going to trust God to deliver us a victory.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#402942 - 07/08/12 10:54 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
KL24 Offline


Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
It is not to harsh. It is truth and thats why i have been posting on this board and asked the question- its weird its like im looking for a mom right now, and the wives and partners of survivors are stepping in with all your experience and knowledge to really help me out.i will get the book. i will do the exercises and i will be his friend... and i want to make sure im taking care of myself, and im not sure i know how- i guess i thought that you were only codependent if you didnt "have a life of your own" i am not knowledgeable on the term- so i thought im in grad school, have friends and job so i must not be... but listening to your loving advice from all of you i am starting to question if i really understand the term, and if i really understand what it means to take care of myself....

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