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#402882 - 07/08/12 03:47 PM Can i ask an honest question?
KL24 Offline


Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
i am beyond tired and don't know if i can fluff this post up so please know before reading, i am truly speaking to partners of survivors and do not want to hurt any current survivors at all- i do not have any partner of survivors friends so this is my only place to find some advice from those who have lived this....

i have been involved with my friend/boyfriend (it changes) since september, it has been a long and challenging road- it has been tiring and lonely.... sad... depressing and frustrating. it has also been deep, intimate, fun, exciting, passionate... the highs are high the lows are low. i have learned so much!! and cried a lot... in a very low point now and when i read all these posts i want to know...

if you knew then what you knew now.... would you have continued and married your partner? would you recommend to a young girl in a relationship with someone who has cheated and made her feel so alone, would you tell her to stick it out or try for love elsewhere. would you want what you have for your own son or daughteR? is this relationship ideal or just survival? i am so tired of feeling unimportant and all my resources encourage supporting the survivor which i want to do, but i just wonder... i am not married to this person, is this really something that other married partners would chose for themselves if they could do it all over again??

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#402883 - 07/08/12 03:58 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
I have been together with my husband for 12 years. And honestly? Knowing what I know know, and after all that has happened, I wouldn't have married him.

But I can't change the 12 years we have been together, and I am fighting, tooth and nail, to keep our marriage together, but if I were at the beginning of a relationship, like you, I would back out, stay friends, remain supportive, but let him recover without inflicting further damage upon me.

Sorry, at a low point too. PM me any time you want to talk.

Best,

Valyrie

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#402886 - 07/08/12 04:05 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: Valkyrie]
KL24 Offline


Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
thank you for being vulnerable and honest with me. I really appreciate it,

i will prob PM you i could use advice and friendship on the matter.

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#402893 - 07/08/12 05:22 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Lavinia Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 61
I can totally relate to the emotional ups and downs my relationship has gone through, and maybe my perspective is somewhat different since I'm also a survivor of child sexual abuse, but I wouldn't trade my partner for anyone else in the universe. At his worst, he is sarcastic, moody, temperamental, and withdraws a lot; at his best, he is sweet, funny, kind, romantic and nurturing. Things aren't always easy for us, but we are committed to one another and love isn't about perfection, it's about finding someone who understands you and loves you despite your human imperfections.

That being said, it's a tough, long, sometimes lonely road to recovery and when a survivor shuts loved ones out, it can hurt like crazy and confuse them. I guess the question you need to ask yourself is, "Is this relationship worth the struggles?" It's all right to go your separate ways, but my therapist often tells me not to make any big decisions when I'm either "too high" or "too low" so the same applies here. I'd wait until you're in a better place emotionally before deciding whether to stay or leave. Make sure you communicate your feelings to him as much as possible without dumping everything onto him. I know it's difficult not to vent - my partner often frustrates me to the point that I want to explode - but be open and honest and also speak from your heart and he'll feel better about where you two stand in your relationship.

Feel free to message me anytime, and best wishes to you. Now I have to go practice what I've been preaching and have a long, heart-to-heart talk with my partner Zack, who has been driving me nuts lately....

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#402906 - 07/08/12 07:12 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Isn't all just a big effen b****???

I love this man, I HATE what he does to me, I have no idea who he is sometimes, and I really have no idea what I will wake up to from day to day.

I AM FREAKIN EXHAUSTED!!!

!@#$%$##!@#$%$##!@

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#402907 - 07/08/12 07:33 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: Lavinia]
KL24 Offline


Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
do you think there is a difference because you guys are committed? my partner says he can't tell what he feels for me. He is confused and needs us to be friends, (but in reality i am putting in all the work of a relationship, time and energy but not physical interaction and no relational commitment) and i was working with this and then when i went out of town as "friends" he slept with two other girls. its terrifying to recommit as deep friends, knowing there is no commitment- i am so lonely even as his friend. i am lonely with him and lonely without him.

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#402908 - 07/08/12 07:34 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
KL24 Offline


Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
i do not mean to slight or down play his feelings- he is learning the difference between sexual and emotional connection. so taking us out of the sexual dating and placing us as friends has been the decision we have made in order to bring clarity but it turned out pretty rotten on my end.

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#402910 - 07/08/12 07:38 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
Such a hard question to answer.

I do not know where I would be in my life without my husband. I honestly cannot imagine life without him - the wonderful parts of him...even some of the not so wonderful parts of him.

When I said I do and took those vows I meant every word. For better or for worse. Had I known that he would turn his back on me - I probably wouldn't have said "I do". It pains me deeply to say that. I could have never imagined that things would turn out the way they have. I trusted him and his honor. I trusted his word when he said, "I do".

Now he is leaving me and I am a broken person. I still have hope it will work out but if we were not married it would save me the heartache of divorce. It would save me the embarrassment and questions from people about why my name changed back to my maiden name. It would save me the pity from others...The legal matters which are bound to rip my heart out...because I do not want this marriage to end.

Would I have started this relationship? Would I have stayed with him for all these years? Yes. Of course. I love him.

Would I have married him? Probably not. It hurts so badly to say.

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#402911 - 07/08/12 07:44 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Sad in the Midwe Offline


Registered: 12/23/09
Posts: 19
I would leave.
All relationships take work, but being married (we've made 21 years) to a SAS is farrrrr more work, more lonely, more difficult than most relationships. It's hard to find kindred spirits-so few people know about the addictions/acting out/depression(s) behaviours that are part and parcel of being sexually abused.

It's hard for you-and if you have children-you're signing them up for a father who has-at least in my experience-severe limitations. It's not fair to them. (Again, more anxiety, depression, acting out, therapy, backwards sliding, etc.)
Please be careful....

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#402912 - 07/08/12 08:00 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
KL24 Offline


Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
it means so much to have some advice. it is hard because i love him but i can't explain to anyone around me whats going on because from the outside it doesn't make sense to people. I feel so alone. and i keep trying but it feels like everything i try is wrong for him...( yes i have read allies in healing, victims no longer, and others...) but it hurts when i feel like nothing i do is right and then expressing that feeling just adds fuel to the fire... frown i am so sad. and feel so lonely

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