I'm not going to lie about it, I said it before and it still remains that I'm attracted to preteen girls, it's like I remained being attracted to girls from those ages, I rather be a teenager who has an innocent crush on a girl that age than to be involved with a woman in a sexual relationship, I don't even like being the age I am, I can't relate to people my age, I notice preteen girls who are attractive, it's like they stand out to me, in my late 20's I am, I'm only a little attractive to girls around my age, I never had a girlfriend, I'm not an abuser, I'm only attracted to preteen girls

Whre I live if an adult bothers pre teen Girls. They will arest you and Call a Pedofile

Maybe that is because you are stuck in the emotional maturity of the age of when you were abused..

I know that before I entered recovery in a big way, I would watch teen movies in my twenties because I never had a teen experience with a prom and all that stuff (I went to male boarding school). But I never was attracted to preteens girls (other than when I myself was a preteen).

So perhaps with more recovery you will get more emotionally mature, and more self esteem to approach a woman and go out on a date.

I know that when I don't feel up to par, my self esteem goes really low, and I used to try to compensate for it in other ways.

DH,
I applaud you for talking about it because there is a big difference between having attractions and being an abuser. That of course being acting on your feelings. I do have to say I dont like people my own age either (34), I tend to be more attracted to younger guys and girls (I'm currently a bit confused about my sexuality) in their late teens. I've never had a girlfriend either but I hope to at some point. As long as you dont act on your attractions which I dont think you will do then I dont find a problem with it. Though I do think you should talk to your T about it if you have one to see whats behind it. Joe is right about it maybe being about your emotional maturity.

dh, I agree. Easethetic attraction is not the same as abuse at all, though perhaps the chaps here are right that if you work on this you can change.

@jo, what you say about watching teen movies really hit me. I do exactly the same thing sinse I never got teen experiences either. Funnily enough though, I never find the girls in such films attractive at all, sinse for me if someone looks immature that is aesthetically not pleasing, indeed when I was 16 I had a massive crush on a woman who was 37, though given the experiences I'd had at the hands of girls and boys of 12-15, this isn't surprising.

For me though, easthetic attractiveness is so general as to mean nothing. Usually I will find perhaps %90 of girls betwene about b18 and 45 or so attractive in some way, but this is a pure, eastehtic appreciation nothing more, the same way I find certain patterns of carpits, furniture or statues attractive.

In terms of actually falling in love, they've been several different ages and appearences, indeed on one occasion i fell in love with a girl who I initially didn't! find physically attractive in the least.

I think you need only read your own recent words to know the damage that can result from following your attractions to these children. If anyone knows it, you certainly do - by your own words.

This is not any easy post to respond to. In fact, it is certainly - for me - the most difficult. I understand that for some CSA victims, the feelings you describe can be cultivated from that experience. Many of us were over-stimulated (sexualized) at a very young age. No trauma like this happens without leaving huge issues in their wake. Most of us have gone through the worst that an adult sexual relationship can bring - as children - then had to deal with it alone - without guidance. How can that not leave profound developmental scars? So reading your post brings up a lot of raw, unprocessed emotions in me. I see - in you - the guy who molested me and most of the little girls in our neighborhood. I simply can't reconcile pampering those feelings, patting you on the back and making you feel better in any way, when they make me feel so unsafe. I was letting my molester have full access to me so he wouldn't do the exact same thing to my little sister - over and over through a long hot summer when I was 12-13. So maybe you can see why I have such a tough time with what you are saying. Then again, I see you as a victim, sacrificing yourself to your own demons by baring yourself to the arrows of others, and that makes me want to protect you.

I hope you are getting the kind of nonjudgmental professional guidance you need. It is all well and good to open up here, but surely you must know that even incipient predatory instincts revealed here will not always yield the assurances you are perhaps looking for. Most of us are on the inside of this mess looking out - so you won't always get an objective or balanced perspective here.

It occurs to me that the only thing that separates you from my own abuser is perhaps the will to follow through on those same desires. There is a wall between what we want and what we allow ourselves to do. I want more money, but I'm not about to steal it. That's a pretty solid wall for me. Perhaps with the pre-pubescent girls, that wall for you is solid cinder block. Then again, perhaps it is just rice paper. Whatever it is, it will weaken if combined with uninhibiting influences such as alcohol or other substance abuse. The prisons are not full of people with bad desires - just bad walls.

Maybe you can channel your frustrations into advocacy for future potential victims - turn those feelings inside out and be a force of good - talk to others with weaker walls and help them keep our children safe. In any case, it must be terribly isolating to yearn for such companionship. I don't walk in those moccasins, so I will not judge you. Yet I can respect your honesty and the personal courage it must have taken you to open up about it. It is a struggle I cannot imagine - where the only viable choices are either being lonely or being a criminal. Perhaps coming here is testament to your desire to change. And perhaps there is real meaningful help for you.

Your post was an honest one, and deserves an equally honest response. So I won't pretend or make this pretty. You need a professional guide to walk this path; mere encouragement is the best I imagine any of us at MS can offer. I wish you every bit of luck, but much more importantly I wish for the safety of those whose paths cross with yours - for their sake as well as your own.

I agree with Eric we certainly dont want you to act on your desires. The consequences for the pre-pubescent girls would be immeasurably bad. You do really need to get help though to understand why you have these feelings so it is possible to change them so you don't at a moment of weakness act out on them.

So get some professional help, while we can be supportive and try to shed a little light on why you have these feelings we are not capable of helping you in the way you need. Please talk to your T

Jason

I said I am only attractive with them, I wouldn't do anything with them, I would only if I was the same age they were, so the only way would be to go back in time or if I had another chance to relive those years again. I missed that opportunity, now it's too late. It's not even children I'm attracted to. I said preteens, I am also attracted to teenagers also.

how do you know those girls you find attractive are really 18? They might be 16 or 17, then that makes you a pedophile technically also. Why is it that you choose to pick the number 18? Is it because the law says so? That you can only be attractive to 18s and not 17s? 17 and 18 are close, what about 16? I'm just saying that if you see a girl who looks 18 doesn't mean she is, she might be 17 or even 16. Then what does this really mean?

It is true that I cannot tell a person's age exactly, however I picked 18 to mean "physically mature" though undoubtedly the age at which this happens can vary with different people, however it is the look, rather than the age that makes a difference really. Here in the Uk, the age of concent is 16 for girls and 14 for boys (not fair I know), meaning that it's unlikely I'd ever find someone less than that age attractive, ---- though it is entirely possible.

For me however, this attractiveness means absolutely nothing. It doesn't even have any s/xual element to it, it's just the same way as I would find a curtain, or a tree, or a piece of stone carving attractive, and has little baring on what I actually think of a person, particularly sinse it's so profoundly generalized, indeed because of my genophobia, anything overt such as a person wearing skimpy clothing is something I find actually uncomfortable.

yet as I said, people I have literally fallen in love with have had a variety of appearences, indeed ****, who dropped me into recovery in the first place would by most conventional deffinitions only be considdered of average attractiveness, being 28 (three years older than me), and a little heavier than many people considder conventionally attractive, ---- not actually overweight, just a long way from being thin (she was concerned about this herself).

This however isn't to claime any sort of superiority or restraint at all, indeed my hole position with s/x and mb is a little complicated anyway, it's just to say that there is a difference betwene pure, easthetic appreciation of an appearence, s/xual attraction, and actually falling in love, and all of these things are different from what you actually do.