I dont know how many can relate but I thought I would post this
Lord I feel so dry. Not just thirsty but a gut wrenching thirst that nothing can satisfy. And trying to soothe is like pouring water on a hot plate; no matter how much is poured on eventually nothing is left and the end is worse than the beginning. How can I continue like this? Never in my life has it been this bad and at times it had been very bad! Thing is now that is not an option Ö.there is no option! There is nothing, just this hurt and why? What have I ever done to deserve this? At every opportunity I ran from anything that seemed to call me to a bad decision. Yes my mind still takes it from there leaving me wracked with guilt just because I am human, and leaves me with this constant shame DAMN IT! The fear, the confusion from the very pit of hell itself seems sent to torture me, and how very successful it has been! I pray, talk to God, sometimes even feel so close to Him but then the next episode hits and BAM! Iím right back in the crapper. I know he forgives, BUT WHY! Why am I condemned to this hell, this constant fight? Why canít He just release me? Why canít I be free? If it is for freedom that Christ set me free then why canít I find it? I know he is there I have seen him work but what is happening now? I hurt so, so desperately, it is so much more then sadness so very much more. Just the sight of a genuine smile In a group of friends can make me jealous to the very pit of my soul. To try to do just simple things and find your mind simply cannot hold the instruction is so exasperating! To be so exhausted it seems hard to put one foot in front of the other and yet no desire to sleep, or rest for that matter. You eat maybe, but only because somewhere behind this cloud you know you must. And as you live like this you become more and more used up until it seems there is nothing left. Dry and broken like a thanksgiving wishbone. The only thing is no matter how it breaksÖ.no wish is granted Öand No one wins.
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hellís heart I stab at thee; for hateís sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"