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#402727 - 07/06/12 06:21 AM One story coming to terms *trigger warning*
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
I think I’m finally starting to feel that the female abuse was abuse too. I usually don’t think about it like that ‘cause I feel guilty for blaming them when the males did so much worse things. But this has seriously affected me and I realised yesterday, talking to an ex girlfriend, that my expectation of a woman to be totally abusive to me and demanding complete obedience is making relationships with women impossible for me still.

Trigger Warning

I think the biggest issue comes from a girl we call her D. We met in sick circumstances, being held in a room before, between and after adults would come in and sexually abuse us. It was clearly prostitution and the situation was staged by her dad and my dad. It was many different occasions over some time and I was 6-8 years old, she was 14-16.

I have always remembered this as a love affair but this is how it was. She would protect me by trying to seduce the adults when they came. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. After she or I was abused and we were alone in that room she would talk to me about it, telling me it wasn’t my fault, the adults had no right and so on which was hugely healing to me since everybody else would act like nothing had happened. Only when doing this she would touch me and ask “was this what he did” “How did you feel” and so on. She said that what the adults did was wrong but we had the right to do it ourselves in our own way. She explained to me that my sexual reactions to abuse were natural and we would together take back our sexuality, making it our own.

Well. This has been so deeply confusing to me because I was really calmed down and comforted and she was in a way a safe haven for me. But I also remember the intense feeling of discomfort when she touched me, trying to stimulate me. I remember her trying to make me have sex with her in different ways. She said we both needed it, to take back our feelings. When I wouldn’t do it she would be angry and say I didn’t care about her, that I took the abusers side in this, that I hated her and didn’t care about her. So I tried but I hated it, I really did.

I also remember her physically abusing me, which was much easier for me to endure. She would rage over me, hit me with open hands and whisper (but in a shouting way) that I was a little liar if I tried to protect myself because she knew what I would let the adults do to me without a whimper so why wouldn’t I let her. This made total sense to me so I would just lower my hands and let her hit me (it truly wasn’t near the abuse that I was used to), looking in her eyes (she would tell me to) and apologising for everything. She would tell me what I was really thinking and feeling, that I was lying if I said otherwise.

When she was nice she used to tell stories about us escaping together and getting married when she turned 18. I remember not wanting that but playing along, knowing it would never happen. She was obsessed with me not really liking her and she would accuse me of hating her, lying, thinking bad things, despising her because of the abuse she took and lots of other things. It always ended with me confessing everything even though it wasn’t true and she abusing me wile I was trying to apologise. It was violent and chaotic abuse but as I said, I was used to worse so in my mind it was no problem. I remember making a big effort trying to show her I wouldn’t like her less no matter how much she would beat me up. It usually ended with me holding her when she was crying after. Then she wanted to have sex and if I didn’t comply she said I had been lying all along and didn’t love her and we started all over.

I also remember her raping me but I’m pretty sure she did that because I couldn’t give her the mutual sexual relationship she really wanted. I remember feeling so lost and bad about not being able to proof my love to her by having mutual sex. Proofing my love by letting her take out all anger on me and taking care of her after she raped me was the best I could do.

So I have always remembered this as a love affair though unhealthy. Just today I remembered that I actually not wanted to marry her. And that I saw her as crazy, I didn’t really believe everything she said even though I pretended to. And that I did love her and want to take care of her, yes, but there is something else to. I don’t know what. Anger maybe? I’ve just been angry at the circumstances and at my self for not being old enough for mutual sex. But maybe there is some anger towards her as well.

I’ve always been longing to meet her again, and then give her everything she wanted, letting her do whatever to me, still loving her and adjusting my whole life to her. But today it struck me that in that reunion fantasy, there is an ending. It is my total compliance until I’m taken to the edge, and then comes the ending of she killing me or me finally ending the relationship, telling her she need help from somebody else, that she is delusional, that I do love her and know she needs this but I can’t be her companion. There is more of me than the Stockholm syndrome kid she knew.

Am I finally coming to terms with the female abuse? To name it abuse and that it wasn’t my own fault I guess is a first step.

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#402728 - 07/06/12 06:40 AM Re: One story coming to terms *trigger warning* [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Oh, as I write I remember these heart breaking details. Trigger warning but I need to write this to understand myself

She would act like she wanted it with the adults, smile and be seductive, even act younger to atract them. They would use her and say she wanted it, call her a little whore, a sex addict, say to her that she needed it and never could get enough. When they turned her down (and used me) they would just laugh at her attempts, calling her a too old disgusting whore, saying she can't always get it. Sometimes they would start with her and then push her away, saying she was too eager and willing and laugh at her, then rape me while she was made to watch.

When we were alone she would be destroyed with shame and anger. She would tell me again and again that it wasn't true, that she was only pretending so they wouldn't rape me or abuse her physically. I said I know (true) and then she said no you don't, you don't believe me, you think I wanted it, you think I'm a disgusting whore and so on. I would try to convince her, then she would be more and more angry, calling me a liar, then she would hit me until she was crying, having me confess to anything and assuring her I now understood I had been wrong, apologising, then holding her after promissing never again to think such things about her.

Then she would want sex and when I didn't she said it was because I thought she was disgusting and because I was thinking of her just like the perps did. And so on.

That was how it was. How can I be angry? She was so damaged,I know she needed to release her feelings, be comforted somehow. It wasn't all bad, it felt good that she would be more calm after like I could really give her something she needed. If it wasn't the "mutual" sex, that was horrible, but the violent stuff was ok, it really was.

Oh no! Now I'm doing it again, back where I started! I just can't be angry at her. I can still hear the voices and laughs of the perps, how they would pass her between them, her desperation in her pretended seductive voice when someone was turning towards me. She was so devestated after. I know she didn't want to harm me, she just needed this and I understand, I really do.

No this is the wrong way. I'm losing myself.

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#402767 - 07/06/12 01:44 PM Re: One story coming to terms *trigger warning* [Re: Blessedcurse]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3614
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Blessedcurse,
your story is so hurtful, I'm speechless. I guess it is natural for you not blaming her, I mean you both were victims of so cruel and violent behavior. You both were child (although she was older) and completely exposed to sexual things not suitable for children. Such environment is damaging for child's development. It is no wonder that she tried repeating stuff with you. Thank God you were aware of some things.
I can't find words for perps that did that to both of you frown
_________________________
My story

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#402771 - 07/06/12 02:16 PM Re: One story coming to terms *trigger warning* [Re: Blessedcurse]
Motherspouse Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 1
Loc: Spain
Hi !
Yes, I can see myself in your story although it was my own mother when I was 4-6 years old. I´am also looking for the anger that must be there deeply intertwined with the instincts but I can´t find. I´am 42 years old and I´ve never had any intimate sexual relationship with anyone so the original anger will be the self-hatred to my own sexuality !
Have Hope Blessedcurse, the fact that you are remembering such details from this early years is a gooood sign you are able to go through...-)
_________________________
Sorry for my poor english but I hope you understand me !

Regards
Chris

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