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#402666 - 07/05/12 06:46 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
So, how would a person know a survivor could tolerate one or want one, even if he didn't want one?

You're doing fine. Martin can have a day off. :^)))
_________________________
Female.

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#402677 - 07/05/12 08:35 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
You can't know. And I don't pretend to know what someone else may need form him to heal. All I know is that when I read about other men going through deep dark issues on the Survivors side of this forum, there pain sounds a hell of a lot like my pain.

I guess you could look at it like this: The traumatized child is in some ways still a child even at 20, 30, 40 years old. Something awful happens (death of parents, sexual abuse, violence) and the person can become emotionally stunted to that age. If a child is sick does he want to take his yucky medicine? Usually not. Will he spit it out in a fit? Maybe. Does he need to get it anyway? Yes, he does.

The medicine that I needed was a loving and accepting support system that includes my wife and daughter. The M.S. web space is another huge help for me. Here I learn there are 1,000s like me and I'm learning to accept myself, warts and all. But I have dark days too and the importance of a family who's there when I need them is huge for my recovery. We don't talk at length and in-depth about my issues like this support group. We have dinner and watch tv and lay in bed. We act like we're normal and undamaged until one day that really happens.

Now, you owe me a freakin beer. It better be a tall one.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#402708 - 07/06/12 03:04 AM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Scotty and D

Scotty the password to my blog is ******** I'm going on Holiday, Hehehehe.

Well what can I add to what has already been said, Naaa how do you know me, I love to read myself, hehehe

On a serious note, Scotty is right, What happens is that I learnt not to feel, learnt not to feel emotions. My concept of love was totally screwed, because people would tell me that they were doing this to me because they loved me.
I stopped feeling emotions at a very young age, what was love to me was a obedient wife and child that didn't piss me off and loved me when I demanded it. If they stuck to those goals and kept up pretences in public then that was fine.
Well That was not fine, I hurt them because of my inability to feel and love.
Now the good news, when I recovered I realized that it is OK to feel, it is OK to love, that these two beautiful people are not going to hurt me.
I must point out that the reasons for not being affectionate with my daughter were completely different. I was a victim of the Myth that victims become perpetrators.
I understood that this beautiful thing was precious, but I was afraid that I would do something bad to her because victims become perpetrators.
I love my family now, for real, I can share my life with them instead of trying to hide it with lies and fabrications.
There is however one important factor here. The Survivors MUST BE WORKING HARD AT RECOVERY. If they dont want it then it wont happen.
It is possible for you as a partner to love the survivor, but not be Co-Dependent with them. If you are Co-dependent then all you are going to do is enable them to live a Dysfunctional life.

Hope this clears up a few points.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#402759 - 07/06/12 12:28 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Scottg,

Yes, I owe you a TALL beer! Next time you're in ATlanta, let me know, and we'll set it up!

D.
_________________________
Female.

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#402760 - 07/06/12 12:29 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Scottg,
One more thing: if he doesn't want his hug, should I give it to him anyway??
D.
_________________________
Female.

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#402765 - 07/06/12 01:17 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
FishmanofRI Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 13
YOU PERFECTLY SUMMED UP MY LIFE, MY WORLD, MY PAIN
I AM that empty shell - that lost woman. The one who supported everything - was the rock through the many storms. Now I am like a discarded empty can, tossed aside, licked around (emotionally), crushed and forgotten. A world I am desperately trying to emerge from.


4th July 2012
AND NOW FOR THE PARTNERS
One thing I am passionate about in setting up MatrixMen, is the partners of Survivors.
Partners are often the unknown victims of SA (sexual abuse) perpetrated on men.
Lets look at the impact that it may have.
Often this poor unsuspecting lady/ Man meets this charming outgoing man that seems to have it all going on. They don't know that they have met the Alter ego or one of the different Personalities of a male survivor. Often the male survivor can keep the Persona going for a really long time. By the time the couple decide to get serious, the partner has been so manipulated by the survivor, that they are either totally besotted with this person that does not exist, or are so mentally abused that they accept any instruction that is passed. I am using a bit of poetic licence here.
Now the couple, and I talk about homosexual and heterosexual partners here, get married. And things start to deteriorate. Now you are caught in a situation, you have had the wedding and the dream is starting to fall apart. BUT, the partner thinks, I HAVE MADE A COMMITMENT.
The partner has gotten involved with a manipulating scheming Survivor who is probably an alcoholic, drug user, sex addict or sexually dysfunctional. Either way they are pretty messed up. Emotional affairs, multiple sexual partners, Swinging, bisexuality and porn are par for the course.
The Survivor now has what he thinks he needs. He has a partner that can take care of him, love him, clean his house, take care of the children, (If they have any), and well generally she /he is there to look after the dysfunctional survivor.
The Survivor however does not have the ability to have an emotional relationship with anybody, but really relly needs this relationship as his "SAFE PLACE". This safe place is something that he will try to keep at any cost. It allows him to portray a sense of normalcy to the world, but it is just a cover for his Acting out and dysfunction.
The Survivor, as I said will do anything to mantain this safe place, and this includes mental and psychological abuse, and financial abuse.
It's not often that the survivor will resort to physical abuse, as he has probably made himself a promise somewhere in his past that he will not afflict such pain on others, as he has been subjected to.
Thing is that he doesnt realize that he is actually causeing mare damage, as the pain and scaring that he inflicts are on the mind and emotional well bing of his victim.
We do not see mental anguish as pain, so we therefore carry on and on and the abuse gets worse and worse till what you end up with is A Broken shell of a person that has no self esteem, no confidence and essentially no life.
I cannot comprehend the pain that I caused in my wife's life completely, I am only now starting to realize a bit of what I have done, and it scares me a little.
Children tend to be a little more forgiving and fit into this new healed person pretty quickly, but the partners don't feel this way. They tend to be a little more sceptical, a little mare cautious, after all what can we expect after years of abuse.
It is massively important that we as a male Survivor Organization, establish groups and get therapists that understand the impact that this has had on the partners life. The impact of the abuse, the broken trust issues, the co- dependency issues, these are all very real and very very debilitating to the future health of the relationship.

If there is to be any hope of the relationship lasting, then it is of the utmost importance that both survivor and partner attend group or therapy.
There are groups that can assist, Al-Anon. CODA, but these are after all the side effects of he survivor battle and not the cause. It is I am sure better to have a group that caters specifically for the partners of the Survivor.


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#402770 - 07/06/12 02:06 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
TimHorton Offline


Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
Oh, FishmanofRI. I feel the heartbreak...the pain. I am in the exact same situation. I have literally been left behind after giving everything and now...

...Well, now I just don't know.

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#402823 - 07/07/12 04:34 AM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Fishman and Tim

I am so sorry for your pain, I am sorry that I cant reach across the seas and help you guys. Hopefully my experience and healing can offer you guys some respite from your pain.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#404751 - 07/25/12 01:07 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
There is not enough support for spouses because we are expected to be compassionate before anything else. Many days I am compassionate, and many days I am full of rage. But it's difficult to feel righteous about being angry at a boy who was abused.

There are not enough places for spouses to get help. I am so tired. Since this started, I've been ritualistically cutting my hair every morning. I finally figured out today that when I cut my hair, I tune everything out. I don't think about anything except cutting my hair. Everyone thinks I have this cute little pixie hair cut, but I know why my hair is so short.

I put on my mask the same way my husband does. I put on my wife mask and have sex, make the meals, iron his shirts, clean his house. I put on my mom mask and volunteer at school, help with homework, drive carpool... I put on my mask at church and pretend that my husband is the same as the other husbands. I pretend that I'm okay with all this, but deep inside there's a little voice that whispers, "you can have normal. If you're brave enough and work hard enough, you can have a normal life. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS!"

Then I feel shame because I can't be compassionate enough to want to stay and work through it. But sometimes I think the only speck of self-esteem left in me is that voice telling me I deserve a life with more happiness than sadness, without so much shame and guilt and sexual dysfunction and apologies and hopelessness.

Then my husband holds my hand and tells me he's trying and he loves me and he can't do this without me. The only way I can escape is to cut my hair.

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#404804 - 07/25/12 09:26 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: silentspouse]
shortieg Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
Originally Posted By: silentspouse
There is not enough support for spouses because we are expected to be compassionate before anything else. Many days I am compassionate, and many days I am full of rage. But it's difficult to feel righteous about being angry at a boy who was abused.

There are not enough places for spouses to get help. I am so tired. Since this started, I've been ritualistically cutting my hair every morning. I finally figured out today that when I cut my hair, I tune everything out. I don't think about anything except cutting my hair. Everyone thinks I have this cute little pixie hair cut, but I know why my hair is so short.

I put on my mask the same way my husband does. I put on my wife mask and have sex, make the meals, iron his shirts, clean his house. I put on my mom mask and volunteer at school, help with homework, drive carpool... I put on my mask at church and pretend that my husband is the same as the other husbands. I pretend that I'm okay with all this, but deep inside there's a little voice that whispers, "you can have normal. If you're brave enough and work hard enough, you can have a normal life. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS!"

Then I feel shame because I can't be compassionate enough to want to stay and work through it. But sometimes I think the only speck of self-esteem left in me is that voice telling me I deserve a life with more happiness than sadness, without so much shame and guilt and sexual dysfunction and apologies and hopelessness.

Then my husband holds my hand and tells me he's trying and he loves me and he can't do this without me. The only way I can escape is to cut my hair.

I am literally in your shoes, I know every pain you talk about, about feeling guilty when you wish for something better but then hate yourself because how could u turn this poor boy away? I struggle every day with this, and I know the mask all too well.. To church,work family friends.. We are the normal happy couple..
My husband used to do that, now he just says he understands if I left... That doesn't make me feel any better..

I wish we could offer hugs over typing..

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