Hi,

I have taken a two year break from Male Survivor, and I am here to say hello again. The site, and many of these forums were helpful to participate in, and often illuminating.

On the whole, the past two years have been awful, painful through and through. My efforts to investigate the church where I was abducted and raped have been blocked by an ineffective DA in the county where the csa took place. Time was lost, my story was swiftly denied. Nothing was accomplished, acknowledged, or settled.

My family, shattered already, has only disintegrated farther.

Now I have recently made a reckless move to San Francisco, hoping that I might feel less of a living freak here than in other cities that I have walked as a zombie, meandering from one agony to another. All of my solid points are fluid, my fluid points solid. I laugh at pain, cry in joy. Often, I think I am at the end of my life, not suicidal, but at the stage of simply letting go of myself, dropping the effort to take better care.

I think: why care? I'd be the first and the last to care. This horror has traveled from myself, my body and obsessive mind, only to become more generalized. Spiritually and emotionally, I have left the boy I was in a distant memory, and I remember my life and the boy I was, like it was only a story that never left the preliminary stages.

The sun would touch me if it weren't for these clouds of Novacain through which all colors change: white is blue, red is yellow, and green is some sort of purple hue. When I see something I recognize, or find a color I think can identify, I tell myself: 'no good, reject that too.'

I need to find resources here, and support from a community of survivors.

Beyond Help,
Lenz

Hi Lenz. Glad to see that you can endure and endure, even without hope or support. Maybe you should become an expert, so that when you feel this way in the future your support network can then refer you to yourself.

Hope is not necessary to coping, Lenz. You have to cope even beyond hope or care. You can carelessly cope, when hope is gone. You must cope, even though it seems easier, and can even seem purposeful with hope.

To cope is to surrender your purpose, and to settle with a secondary purpose. Sometimes it requires a needle, take a shot, and you will set a new course on an existential rivulet to which you must again adopt yourself, before it pulls you out to the sea.

Hope is full of the buzz of the world, the kind of thinking that says "someone should know" "someone else must have come to this point, and so there must be someone in all of those cities where pain like yours can be recognized and dealt with". You're dealing in hope Lenz, to help you cope, and you'll have to give up hoping.

Your pain is very much like the sea, Lenz. It is active at all hours. It will come and come and never cease or go a way. It will get angry, it will relent, but it will not change for you(or for a giant seawall made out of specialists and experts). The sea will lose nothing in its certainty, or its depth, ever.

Look to the sea for support, and get over your stupid self. That's what all the psychiatrists mean by finding a 'solution'. Become solvent, salient, go sailing. Cope with the facts: no matter the pain, you are not dead yet. The sea is still there, for reference, on the other side of the shoreline.

Click the "like" button and call the sea a friend. You're finished!

Hi Lenz and welcome back to Male survivor.
I'm sorry that you didn't get some support and was blocked related to search about your abuse in church
Well no matter what others could say we here care and feel. I hope at least that we can share and give some support to each other. Please take care of yourself and share your pain with us.
Hang on!
Pero

Thank you for your reply to my post, Pero. I read your story, and I am sorry for the difficult places it has taken you.

I would think that all healing was a sham when parents can be so unthinking, so ready to accept that things were fine and will be fine by letting the obvious likenesses rule. I had mindless parents, too, and I had a brother. Our birthdays were a week a part so we had combination birthdays to explain how we weren’t unique or important. We were stuff in a house of stuff.

I do need the acceptance and validation you offer me. I need to know, when I've turned here, that it does hurt. This is pain, and its not right, the way things have been.

((((((Lenz))))))

Welcome back my friend to the show that never ends, Emerson, Lake, and Palmer. (i am old)

You sound very much in pain and fear. That you are here is a great thing. I hope to get to know you better and that i can be of any help i can. PM me if you want to chat in private, or maybe we'll meet up in chat.

I know the feelings of pain and fear, as most here do. It comes with the territory and can be very debilitating. I keep coming back to renew my strength and to try to be of some help to my fellows here.

Please know that we care, I care, and we will support you and hopefully you may regain some of the hope you are missing in your life at present.

peace

paul

Hey Lenz,
I'm sorry that you have so insensitive parents, it is very hurtful not having support from closest family members.
How are you doing in San Francisco? I hope you are doing well and feeling less freaky certainly you are not freak man. I'm sure that you have a lot to offer to others.
I hope you'll find your way trough all this. Please keep sharing with us further.
Pero

Hi lenz, Welcome back to ms. Hope you find your bearings quickly in your new city.

Hi Lenz,

I am knew here, but not to the trauma of csa. Took me 35 years and rock bottom to find help and resources to help me. Today I am reminded of the first time I was abused, July 4 1976 by a pedophile neighbor.....but today I stand a little taller, a little prouder. I have found amazing stories here of inspiration and triumph. I have found genuine friendship and most of all....I have found hope. I hope and know you will find this soon too.

Start with one thing, you. Learn to love who you are and embrace everything. None of us chose the path we were thrust on, but it's woven into the fabric of our lives and represents but a minor flaw, when you step back and look at the entire fabric and see the beauty.

Glad you're here and a speedy recovery!

Love ya,
L2LM

Learning,

Thank you for reaching out to me, and telling me how this site can be the source of hope, and where I can find hope. I'm sorry for the anniversary you recount, and all that comes with it.

What is essential to me now is not hope. It is that I change my patterns and attachments so that I can distance myself from my own fractured family. Hope would have me think we could be reunited - that spectacular illusion. We cant.

Hope knows, there is no sense in that.

They cant help me (or hear me). My anguish just keeps getting worse when I expect the glorious archetype of mother to appear in my poor mom's voice.

She says that I obsess and harass her when, in fact, she doesn't acknowledge me or help me find clarity or justice. I am the youngest boy, and she says that she is MY victim because I keep coming to her with the message: "this concerns you, you are my mother."

Here is my hopelessness. Since I have spoken up about being assaulted at my father's church, on the last night of summer camp, the illusion has vanished. There never was a family.

There never was a platinum haired boy who disappeared one night in June, and returned the next, destroyed. Of course., there was but they don't want to see me like that. So they dont see, wont acknowledge the abuse, and so I don't share their selective memory or live in that family.

I live in this one. Thank you for your understanding, your words of support, and your welcome.

shattered,
Lenz