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Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
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#402517 - 07/04/12 12:10 AM P.T.S.D.
max52 Offline


Registered: 05/08/11
Posts: 30
Loc: usa
One of the symptoms is hypervigilance, last weekI almost hit a friend at work who was in my space when I turned around, today my boss came up behind me and started to speak, I jumped about a foot off of the ground, I told my dr. that I have night sweats, mood swings and flash backs.
The Dr. gave me an antianxiety med. it knocks me out.
I have to share this, I have posted about the boys school I was in, what makes me hurt is what happened before.
TRIGGER
My mom made me sleep with her when I was 12, to make sure I didn't "touch" myself, I remember her telling me when I was 5 yrs. old that she would cut it off if I played with it.
She would bath me in the nude at the age of 10, she would change her clothes, underwear and all in front of me.
I have never talked about this, I feel sick right now just typing it. She would use the bathroom and leave the door open,
I feel so damned dirty, like a freak.
I called my health insurance co. today, it's an hmo, I have to find a theripist through them.
I have to talk to someone, I can't hold this crap in any more.
Thanx for listening.

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#402520 - 07/04/12 01:39 AM Re: P.T.S.D. [Re: max52]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
max - TRIGGERS, TOO!

i get it. the step-father threatened to cut mine off.

i woke up one time thinking i was having a wet dream and he was touching me while mom watched and they both laughed.

i was bathed with baby brothers when i was starting puberty and got yelled at and whipped for getting an erection.

i know how you feel.

do whatever you need to do to get the help. i did and am so glad. it is worth it - even if you have to sell your car and take the bus - or whatever.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#402521 - 07/04/12 02:10 AM Re: P.T.S.D. [Re: max52]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I know about PTSD and that hyper vigilance thing… I can’t tell you how many times I have been set off and ended up in court over it… One of them I beat up a pedophile, I have no regret over that one...

I was abused by two different perpetrators. A friends father at 8 and a boy scout camp director at 17. In both cases it was a different kind of covert and occurred a lot over a peroid of months before I knew I was being abused. I don’t talk about the time when I was 8 in too many details here because I am afraid some pedophile will learn from it… He abused so many kids and they didn’t know… The scout camp is shared in detail as of the last few days… Not much a pedo can learn that he can’t read elsewhere. This was recently posted to the stories section if you want to read it… So I too have one abuse that I am too concerned to talk about, and one that I openly share…

Each set of abuses contributes equally to my PTSD and each contributes almost solely to another mental illness. I fell you, being abused someone in a position of power is no good regardless of if the passion is the camp director or your parent. At least in the end I could get away from mine...
_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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#402543 - 07/04/12 01:41 PM Re: P.T.S.D. [Re: max52]
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 597
Loc: USA
Yea hyper-vigilance, just a few days ago a friend at the bar went to tap my arm with his beer to say hi when I arrived and he startled me so I accidentally smacked his beer out of his hand. 2 years ago a co-worker grabbed me from behind and I gave him a bloody nose by accident. Both times ended fine but the point is yea, I startle easy to.

Insurance can be tough but there are therapists out there that will work with you. Perhaps try sliding scale therapists, they will charge you based on your income. I have an HMO plan as well and my old therapist just had to call up the insurance company and they approved me.

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#402612 - 07/05/12 10:22 AM Re: P.T.S.D. [Re: max52]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
When you know you need a therapist, act on that instinct! The day I knew I needed one was a Saturday. That day and evening and all day on Sunday, I called therapists, and I got calls back! On Saturday evening. And Sunday evening. I had no idea how I was going to pay for it, but we worked it out. It's four years later, and I'm still paying off one of them. And I'm glad I did. It was, and remains, money well spent. I have no idea what I would have done if I hadn't been able to start talking about this shit.

And let me just say, for the record, I hate fucking insurance companies, those worthless do-nothing money-destroyers. I sometimes count up all the thousands and thousands of dollars I've paid in premiums, and then consider all the crap I've had to put up with in order to get them to pay anything at all. And then I just have to let it go, because I can't live with that much anger.

Anyway, Max, stay strong. Hypervigilance is another one of those wonderful traits we share. That will fade somewhat as you get therapy and meds, but it won't vanish.

The way I look at it, my personality got militarized. My life is full of soldiers who fought to protect me from an array of would-be killers. The war is over. But I'm still teaching those old veterans to stand down. I think it's important to honor them for their service, to give them a good pension and send them to the country to retire. (If you'll excuse the extended metaphor.)

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#402622 - 07/05/12 12:16 PM Re: P.T.S.D. [Re: max52]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I know the feeling of hypervigilence too. At work last week a co-worker came up behind me and grabbed me, just as a joke, and I swivelled around in my chair with my fist at the ready, prepared to hit her. In my defense it was an automatic reaction, as in there was no intent to actually strike her, but I found it upsetting all the same.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#402644 - 07/05/12 04:30 PM Re: P.T.S.D. [Re: max52]
max52 Offline


Registered: 05/08/11
Posts: 30
Loc: usa
Thanks to all of you for your care and help, I feel that those who have not been where we were have no clue about how we feel and what we go through.
I am glad we have each other, I just wish it was under different circumstanses.

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#402654 - 07/05/12 05:30 PM Re: P.T.S.D. [Re: max52]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I completely agree, Max, with everything you wrote. I am glad to have this forum full of decent guys who are trying to heal. Thank GOD!

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#402676 - 07/05/12 08:27 PM Re: P.T.S.D. [Re: max52]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hey Max,

PTS and PTSD are difficult traits and disorders to overcome. Find that therapist, make the arrangements and keep healing fellow survivor. I had a man walk up behind me today and grab my shoulders and speak in a deep voice, I think my eyelid twitched a little. I did not flinch, rise up or make a sound, I just turned and asked him what he wanted. I used to "feel" eyes on me everywhere I went! This is an example of what recovery can accomplish for you.

Your mother abused you emotionally, this is as real and as present as physical, sexual abuse. Your abuser is the one who holds the shame, not you. You are innocent and clean. Remember there are those who know you, and some of us have processed through what you are experiencing. Keep posting, keep asking, keep supporting!

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#402747 - 07/06/12 09:00 AM Re: P.T.S.D. [Re: jls]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 05:03 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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