I responded to an e-mail from an old girlfriend this evening in which I disclosed my sexual abuse history. The way it came about is contorted since I visited the city she is in a few weeks ago, during which time we ended up in bed together, but I began experiencing performance problems. Afterwards she started suggesting that I may need Viagra etc, etc, which I found upsetting but did my best not to let show. Fast forwarding to tonight I received her e-mail in which she apologized for her remarks about Viagra and said that my lack of perofrmance must have had to do with her, which wasn't true. In reality she is the first person I attempted to have sex with since I started my abuse recovery work. I thought I was ready but I guess I'm not. In any case to make a long story shorter I decided to disclose my abuse to explain where I was at when we got together. Now I am unsure if it was the right thing to do. However, in a way she did push for an explanation so now she has one. What are others thoughts on this?

HI JLS

I think that absolutely you were right to tell her.
Let me explain my thoughts:-
She feels that there is something wrong with her because you could not perform. This is a natural reaction because of the Myth that men can always do it. So she naturally feels unattractive and ugly. (see its not always about us) hehehe

Now I think you have gathered by now that I am a great supporter of talking about your/my past. I feel that the more we talk about it the easier it gets.
So I applaud you in being brave enough to tell this precious lady about your past. It will help her and it will help you.

Heal well
Martin

I think you absolutely did the right thing.

As a wife of a survivor, my husband too has alot going on with him sexually which affects our sex life and our intimacy. All he ever says is it "doesn't have anything to do with you". When i ask him "then what is it" all I ever get is I don't know from him.

In my mind, if he doesn't know what it is, then how does he know it isn't me?

If he did what you did and told me what he was going through sexually, it would save me a heck of a lot of heartache and insecurity.

You are a brave, good man. You did something wonderful for yourself and your healing. You did a wonderful thing by explaining to her and have saved her alot of heartache. BRAVO!

It doesn't matter what you men say in a situation like that, if you don't explain, we women will probably take it personally. I agree with Martin about the myth.

Sex, for me, used to be so much fun. Now I am filled with anxiety because I am afraid I am triggering him and of course he won't tell me. So what should be relaxing for both of us, is wrought with anxiety for me too. It has always be an anxiety producing thing for him but now it is for me too. It sucks. If he would just communicate with me, it would be much more enjoyable.

Good on ya! All I can do is add more affirmations to the existing responses. One more tid-bit:

I've also found that the more I disclose, the easier it becomes. And the easier it becomes, the healthier I feel. And the healthier I feel about myself, the more likely it is that I will disclose.

JLS,

As a partner of a male survivor I can honestly say from 'our' position is 'yes' you have done the right and respectful thing. From your point I do feel it is beneficial for you to disclose (only when you are happy doing so of course) as like many have said, as well as my partner, it gets easier with time. I think it also helps US to support YOU...

When we dont know we cant fully understand behaviours and situations.. At least when we know we have a reason for the behaviours and why certain things happen.

As a woman we automatically think if a guy aint interested (as in able to perform or not want to perform) then we are unattractive and unappealing etc etc... I would lie if I said it didnt upset me and make me question my appearance, my body....

But because I knew about my partners SA I was able to put that to one side after a slight blip.... and actually see it for what it was.

I find it easier to cope mentally knowing especially when he goes awol, abuses substances, prefers to cuddle than to get intimate, cant show his feelings, isnt romantic and doesnt know how to have a positive relationship. All he knows is negative and destructive.

Although I hurt and believe me I do, especially through these times now where he has taken himself away and I cry rivers, I can always justify the need for these times away. x

Hey Jls,
I must agree to all others who supported you in your disclosure to your girl friend. You are doing so huge steps forward, you shared intimacy and know even disclosed your story.
Just my two additional cents: please keep in mind that your bed under-performance doesn't have to be necessarily connected to your story/experience. It happens sometimes and there is nothing wrong with you.
Don't be hard to yourself because of that, you were obviously ready for that step no matter on related problems. If there would be more situations like that in future you should think on seeing specialist - there could be many different reasons causing it as well as solutions.
If you have T you you could talk about all this. Anyway I'm sure you'll be perfect next time !
You have my hat off for all this!
Pero

I believe that you did the right thing. If you are going to share any intimate with someone, and issues like performance comes to light. It is better to disclose. If you both talk about what was good and those things that the other person would like to do or try, you communicated beyond the sexual boundaries where intimacy and performance can be enhanced.

Hi all. It turned out that disclosing to my former girlfriend was the right thing to do. She responded to my e-mail with very kind and sympathetic words. At first she was overly hard on herself for wanting to get her sexual needs met at what she felt in retrospect was at my expense. I did my best to set her straight by saying when we tried to have sex she didn't know about my abuse history because I didn't tell her, and added that it isn't her responsibilitiy to figure me out so to give herself a break already. Anyways what started out as a difficult disclosure turned out to be a very posotive thing in the end, especially now that I've another friend who knows about my abuse and can support me while I work through it. Thank god for good friends:)

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Good for you! I think that is just awesome.

To you survivors..........I don't know if anything but good can come out of sharing your story with people who love you. We can then take things less personally.....

Indeed Hooray jls,

Supporters and survivors alike rejoice in the disclosure and affirmation.

Well done,
Sam