Luke, I just found out tonight that before doing any exposure exercises you first must train yourself in relaxation exercises. The two that I was told about are deep breathing and muscle relaxation. I think the reasoning behind this is that you need something to calm you down when doing these exposure exercises. This makes sense. I wanted to let you know so as not to get yourself in a situation where you find yourself unprepared.

Well I tried at least part of this the other day.

I've been reading through the jim butcher Harry dresden series, books that are abouta consultant wizard, and sort of mix the hard boiled film noire type of detective with magic, vampires, angels, the realms of faerie etc.

I enjoy them for convoluted plots, some really interesting takes on fantasy concepts, but skip over a lot of sexism (the protagonist getting very pissed off specifically because women! had been killed, and his views about men and women), and some slightly more extreme descriptions than I'd want.

they were recommended to me by friends, but where as some of my friends thought they were unbelieveable, I only rate them as a bit of fun, with a lot of irritating bits, ----- in fact I've had to break up my reading of the serieswith other books because the annoyence of the sexism got a bit too much.

During one of the more serious erotic scenes, I attempted to remain present, to let thefull scale of the books imagery, words and setting affect me, as i would in fact do when reading scenes important to the plot.

it was painfull, like being struck repatedly in the head with a hammer, or trying to ride on the top of a speeding locomotive.

The after affects weren't bad, I got on to more plot in the book, then went to a fireworks display with my parents, which was pretty good as far as destractions go, but I don't think I'll try that again for a while.

God I hate this.

I'm tempted to say that with only three months of time to finish my thesis that this is the wrong time to deal with this, but I've been saying that for years.

I'll try the vocal version tomorrow.

Sounds good Luke. I think you got the hang of it. Let me know if you can notice any automatic thoughts at the time you're doing these exposure exercises. You may not notice them at first, but after trying to identify them you might come up with something.

I can't really give them as thoughts, not vocalized thoughts. Literally painfull synaesthesic impressions, like rough, cold wire wool being scraped across my skin, and a mix of grey, purple and green, but not a lot else, just shear, irriduceable unpleasantness.

One of the drawbacks to being synaesthesic is while it's exceptionally helpful for self awareness, it makes actual analysis quite difficult.

As I said, I think my genophobia is pure pavlovian reflex, sinse everything bad that happened to me at school related directly to it.

Even when the bullying and exclusion was comparatively miner when I was eleven or twelve, insults always had a s/xual element, which just increased as time went on, not helped by the fact that I simply saw it as part of growing up and could never really understand why everyone (especially girls), were obsessed with it, or where all the ridiculous inuendo came from.

it's odd, I remember being ten and sharing a cabin with another boy at a mixed sports camp who was a year younger. We got to be good friends. During one conversation it became pretty clear to me he didn't know about s/x at all, ---- and I pretty much said nothing. My parents had given me a very adult discussion of it a few months earlier, but it just had no significance to me, and when this other boy made it clear he didn't know about it, I just thought "well hay, maybe his parents will tell him later" sinse it really didn't seem worth going into massive details over, ---- not when we had much more interesting things to talk about, like space, ghosts or the other things that interested me at the time.

I can remember feeling that sort of disinterested detachment to the subject, that it meant as little as growing body hair, or starting shaving, but I can't recapture that atitude at all.

Understood Luke. It may be a matter of breaking those long-standing unpleasant (pavlovian) associations you've developed over many years. The exposure techniques are designed to do just that, so I wouldn't worry about the thought processes then. You seem to have a good understanding of the rationale behind these techniques already. That's good. Remember to keep in mind that if things get too unpleasant discontinue the technique so that you don't develop any negative associations with the techniques themselves. As you've may have discovered already, they are supposed to make you feel better in the long run. Best of luck with them Luke. Keep me posted! Rocco

Well just as an update I've tried a bit of this, but it hasn't worked too well up to now.

I usually can't get the word out, not when concentrating on the actual concept, then end up spitting it like an insult and feeling intensive amount of pain, as though I'm wrenching off a scab. Nor did my last attempt at exposing myself to the actual feelings involved with it (in another dresden novel), work too well either. The problem I generally find is that I nerve myself to interact with that set of feelings, but always end up unable to, then will say "sod it!" and just hit myself with them instantly. This is my personality with a lot of things, indeed I do it with exercize and often find that when I start exercizing again after a break I'll strain myself, but I don't know a way to be easier with this, sinse it is pure, simple unpleasantness. Indeed, it's not so much a phobia as a very literal, painful sensation. I'm wondering if this is actualy helping or if I just am doing the mental acquivolent of sticking my hand on a grill repeatedly.

On the plus side, my brother revealed to me quite casually the other day that he's had a gf for a while, and I was quite pleased with myself in that I felt nothing about this.

he's always done literally nothing about relationships, indeed on several occasions my mum asked him if he were gay, but he's always just said "There's no time for that" and been very much married to his job. Then again, unlike myself he's never had too many female friends (now there is an irony).

While he knew my abuse had happened and about my recovery, he's never really been someone I could talk to emotionally, though recently he has been quite a good friend in terms of purely relaxed activities, albeit that he is rather intimidating to be around given his extreme lack of compassion for anybody, ---- this isn't to say he's immoral, quite the opposite, he's one of the most strictly moral people I know, he just doesn't do! compassion.

i always have dreaded the point he tells me he has a gf, sinse I expected to feel ridiculously jealous, that my brother, who has expended no pain or emotional termoil on this could just walk into something I've wanted, ----- but no, he told me and I felt literally nothing.

It just now seemed inevitable that when he decided to devote his time to a relationship, it would naturally happen, and I don't feel the need to compare our situations at all, sinse while we can! be friends, in a lot of ways we're just so different so any sort of comparison would be stupid. I don't even feel jealous of his experience at all, ---- I don't know why, but I simply don't.

We even touched upon the issue, sinse he asked me not to tell our mum about this, and I did tell him that in my case relationships were a no go discussion area with my mum due to my own problems.

so, there is at least some progress there, albeit it's progress in acceptance rather than dealing with those feelings that cause the problem in the first place.

Luke,

I think that it's incredibly important to accept oneself where one happens to be. The paradox in recovery and growth is that accepting ourselves generally brings about change and trying to change generally brings about self-acceptance. I think you can see this from what you described to me about how you reacted (or how you didn't react) to the news of your brother having a girlfriend. Do you think that trying to change an aspect of yourself through trying exposure techniques seems to be connected in some way to you being able to accept yourself more than you have in the past? It would make sense in terms of the paradox of acceptance and change. Nevertheless, I'm glad to hear of this very important change in your level of self-acceptance.

BTW, if the exposure techniques have been a bit overwhelming, maybe you can try those relaxation techniques (deep breathing and muscle relaxing) before trying the exposure techniques. This is actually what is supposed to be done if you were to see a therapist. Just a suggestion, but I think it is worth giving a try Luke.

I'm glad to hear that you did give these techniques a try.

Rocco

Fear is the cheapest room in the house.
I would like to see you living
In better conditions.

Hafiz

The spirit of the sun whispers
to me,
it says
go ahead, you can do it,
shine...
like me.
There is darkness, and you can be the flame
of one candle
without shame.

Its just damn lies you are in the same place. Yes there is darkness and there will always be darkness, it contrasts the better times and at least we can see that now.

But i get it. I have those moments, I do, we all do. But they are not the same. And when the circle comes back round, it has a new orbit, a new goal a new focus, even if the snapshot looks the same when you are only looking at one small part of the arc.

hugz

grant


Forgiveness



[b]Forgiveness is the cash you need.

All the other kinds of silver really buy just strange things.
Everything has its music.
Everything has genes of Love inside.

But learn from those courageous addicted lovers
of glands and opium and gold --
Look, they cannot jump high or laugh long
when they are whirling.
And the moon and the stars become sad
when their tender light is used for night wars.

Forgiveness is part of the treasure you need
to craft your falcon wings
And return to your true realm
of Divine freedom."[/b]

Forgive yourself, you ARE crafting your wings.

Thanks one life, though I rather wonder if you should've wrote that in the poetry forum, very nicely put.

Rocco, I'm not sure on my acceptance of the hole relationship business. At one point I can think I've achieved it, then whamb! I'll get a flash of it from a couple in the street or from a couple of my friends, I'll hear a peace of music describing it that has a certain cord, I'll read something that mentions it, or something else will just trigger the awareness of that experience that other people seem to get so much from, and i'll be absolutely aware what I'm lacking.

it's almost as though I've had a leg cut off, and am fine most of the time, but then suddenly get a sight of people enjoying running races or playing football.

I can! probably live with my brother having a gf, however if I were to see the two of them together and they hit me with a flash of that experience it's liable to set me off again.

As regards the desensatization business, well the relaxation exercizes is probably a good idea, I'll try that.

I was able to write the word in a review of a Doctor who audio drama i wrote yesterday when discussing adult themes, so that is at least some vaguel progress, though there I was more concerned with the ideas of what society classed as adult, than with any sort of more complete association with the concept.

Sounds good Luke! Progress is progress the way I see it. A little at a time is still progress. Staying focused on your breathing or tensing and relaxing your muscles is, I think, what relaxation techniques teach, although you may want to look it up on the internet. The other week I was in class and the topic of sex came up between two people who were talking to each other as I was directly in between them. I couldn't avoid this conversation because of this. I had to pay attention to what they were saying instead of "zone out" like I would normally do. When I did pay attention to what they were saying, it wasn't as threatening to me. I actually made a comment that contributed (non-anxiously) to the conversation. This was a miracle for me, as in the past I would have become so anxious as to want to crawl right out of my own skin or would have made some comment revealing how anxious I was about the topic of sex. See, I'm making progress too!

Keep up the good work Luke, and I will too.

Rocco