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#40256 - 05/12/01 06:04 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT. YOU WERE INOCENT AS A KID. \:\(

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#40257 - 05/12/01 01:41 PM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
Anonymous
Unregistered


BRIAN!
HOORAY!!! Cartwheels in the street! Breaking the cycle of silence. For men it seems to be especially hard to overcome that silence. Everything we are told is to cling onto it and never release it no matter what. We are supposed to feel 'privileged' for every sexual experience. But you understand that is NOT THE CASE. You are going beyond dealing with your own stuff to actually stopping the abuse from continuing. There are so few stories like yours, and I am even more astonished by your story as you say your a police officer. I can't imagine a job in which there is more machismo and the fear of being judged by your fellow officers must have been high. It says a lot about where you've come in your own recovery that you are able to overcome such obstacles.
Take care,
jeb (YEAH! You is da man)


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#40258 - 05/12/01 02:07 PM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
Brian B14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
Jeb,

I don't feel like "da man"!! I am scared to death what the cops who work with me and for me are going to think. As a cop, this is something you just don't talk about.

I have talked to the Chief of Police of my department. He was very supportive and made several good observations and suggestions. I'm more concerned with what the rank and file members are going to think. I'm not nearly as courageous as you think I am.

Brian


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#40259 - 05/14/01 10:16 PM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Brian,

You are a brave person. It took me 38 years to start to deal with the abuse that happened to me. I commend you. The people that know you will support you, the ignorant people are often very reluctant to see the world around them in an unfavorable light. You have friends here.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#40260 - 05/17/01 01:37 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
Brian B14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
UPDATE - I had my first face to face meeting this morning with the investigator that I'm working with. We have some more backgroung information that we need to gather before we bring him in for an "interview". It may be another week or two but we are making progress!!

I feel really good about doing this. I feel so relieved that I decided to take this road. I'm finally doing something to take back my life. I can't wait until this is over. I can't wait to put my life back together and finally have the opportunity to be "HAPPY". I'm looking forward to letting go of the all the guilt, shame and anger that has consumed my life.

I'm so grateful for this site and all of you for being so supportive these past two weeks.

May God bless all of you!

Brian


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#40261 - 05/19/01 05:48 PM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Brian,

You cant do stuff till your able to do it, ok?

You got to it, try thinking about all the kids who you just saved from the same fate, i bet there would have been 100's of them, you did good, your doing good.

if we were friends or co-workers, i would be proud of you and as a fellow survivor, i am damn proud of you

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#40262 - 05/27/01 02:18 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I'm just gonna say it straight out: YOU ARE NOT A COWARD! Simply coming out about it makes you a brave person. And being a good cop is one of the bravest things you can do. All those years you didn't tell anyone, you forget that you may be a man now, but you have the feelings of a frightened child. Your mind channels these feeings this way to protect you. Would you blame a 9 year old for not testifyin against thier abuser? Just because you are an adult now, doesn't mean that you arent still a terrified little kid somewhere in your mind. I find that self criticism of this sort is the worst part of abuse. You suffer a hundred times as much at your own hands than you ever did from your abuser. Try to see what a good person you really are.


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#40263 - 05/27/01 02:23 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
BTW, go easy on teenagers having a good time, but don't let them do anything stupid either. And please leave stoners and hippies alone, we got nothing agaisnt anybody. \:\)

Be carefull, be proud, and stay cool.


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#40264 - 05/27/01 06:26 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
manchild Offline
Member

Registered: 11/22/00
Posts: 35
Loc: netherlands
recently you have seen a way and found strength to protect children. You are doing all you can now. How does that make you feel?

You are determing priorities now. How about, when the time comes, without judging, for search of truth and wisdom, finding out, what withheld you and what helped you overcome the barriere?.
Maybe, that information could help other victims in their search for strength in life and help stopping abuse?

[ 05-27-2001: Message edited by: manchild ]


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#40265 - 05/27/01 10:14 PM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
Anonymous
Unregistered


Courage is not determined by how you feel, but what you do. The fact that you are going after your abuser shows that you are healing, growing, and couragous.

I have never confronted my abuser, though I came close once. My family was very worried what I might do, but all I did is drive by his house. That was 13 years ago.

It's strange -- through most of my 9 years of marriage I have expected my wife to confront her abusers (her family), but I haven't confronted mine (a total stranger).

Thanx for your post, and your courage. You've helped me to see just how much of a hypocrite I am being.

Let us know what happens with your perp. Either way, this experience can't help but move your heart and mind closer to recovery.


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