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#40246 - 05/10/01 03:24 AM I'm the ultimate COWARD
Brian B14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
The pain of my abuse is nothing compared to the incredible guilt and shame that I feel for not telling anyone for the past 26 years. By the end of this month, over a million people (1,000,000) will know my name and what happened to me. I'm so scared.

I was around 10 when it started. It continued for over a year. He was a guy who lived down the street. We were very poor and I did any odd job for a dollar or two. He gave me $5 for shoveling snow and he invited me inside to warm up. He served hot chocolate and he even let me look at Playboy Magazines. On my birthday he gave me a BB gun. I thought I was the luckiest kid in the world!! A year later, I wasn't feeling so lucky. I finally got away from him. I tried my best to forget what happened to me.

I got kicked out of high school. I got a GED instead. I was lucky enough to meet this wonderful girl who encouraged me to go back to school. I did well at the Community College and transferred to a 4 year school. My girlfried and I broke up but I was able to work through the pain and memories of abuse to graduate.

****HERE COMES THE GOOD PART**** I then entered the Police Academy and have had a stellar 13 year career complete with over a dozen commendations for all kinds of bull shit. I've saved 2 peoples lives and had a huge impact on dozens more.

I've thought about what that man did to me every single day, yet I continued to go to the bank every week and cash my paycheck from my job as a "public servant". I WAS SUPPOSE TO PROTECT THE PUBLIC AND ALL I DID WAS PROTECT MYSELF. I AM SUCH A COWARD!!!How many children did this man abuse while I was making my way to the bank???? I feel so ashamed.

Its all going to come out. I hunted down my abuser this past Thursday 75 miles from where I grew up. There were 20 children playing on the street when I drove by. I almost threw up. I had to tell someone. I talked to some of the neighbors.

I contacted the local police today. The statue of limitations has long expired in my case so we are starting an investigation into the possibility of recent or current victims. What ever comes out in the investigation, I've talked to a newspaper reporter about my story. I thought that me being a higly decorated police officer would be a nice "twist" to the story (its an unusaul story and people would go out of their way to read it and talk to their kids about sexual abuse issues). Even if he has been clean for years (not likely) I've got to warn the public about him (especially the parents of thoses 20 children playing in the street). As soon as that story gets out, it will make its way to my city. The media will go FUCKING CRAZY!!!! THERE IS OVER ONE MILLION PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN A 50 MILE RADIUS OF MY HOUSE.

I feel like a phoney. I didn't even try to protect the children from this monster. I'm so ashamed. I feel so guilty. I'm a coward. And in a few weeks everyone will know it. I feel like a 10 year old boy. I'm so scared. I don't blame any of you for hating me.

[ 05-10-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]


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#40247 - 05/10/01 05:00 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I kept silent too, when I was 30 the same thing was going on, I turned him in to the police and they were hoping to get a current victim to come out. Instead a kids he was hurting called him and tipped him off. He admitted to hurting me that is all. But my actions got him fired from a job that gave him access to boys, and gave important people the knowledge of his actions. Plus rumors were floating around. A few years later w/o work he tried to run for sheriff he did not win. I think I was part of the deciding factor. I am glad I did turn him in.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#40248 - 05/10/01 05:03 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Brian, it was very scary turning him in I was shaking while I was on the phone.

I am still healing, you are doing the right thing. Lift up your chin. Have a great day.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#40249 - 05/10/01 09:47 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
;\) I was mad as hell at the police that had help in the arrest of George from the park swimming pool, "to serve and protect", was the moto, of the Denver City Police, maybe still is.
For I did not fine my parents at fault, whom was hurting or letting me get hurt.
Or I did not think bad of George whom was hurting me, with his own hands.
It was the message of the moto, the idea of being protected by someone.

I was only a child also, today I do not find fault with the police men who "serve and protect" God bless to all men of the law.
Not a police state. Not a goverment that is leaded by greedy polictics. But the man who will do rightly, in his job, as best as he can, and I don't find fault in those who need help from time to time.

A few days ago a man using a knife went to one of our schools and was cutting the necks of four, a 7yr and 2- 8yr and 9yr old, boys, he couldn't get any more before he was stop.
fmighell Anc Ak


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#40250 - 05/10/01 10:11 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
the fact that we are all still alive is proof of not being a coward,the price we pay each day is a paycheck we cash for yesterday, a reason to go on,, to protect even more at your expence is a more stiller event then the media can comprehend, just in the hope that the people who read are not to afraid to touch the flames of guilt or drownd in the sea of tears, we so easly forget how shamfull the fact of the matter is to us,to have existed this long and protected so many shows the strangth that you can harness, the anger and courage must be tiping the rikter scale at the distance which you have spread your pain. i appaud you at your indeaver to spread to each person the fear and distruction that child sexual abuse is. before the curtin closes may we ask that you return safe, thank you,,,,,


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#40251 - 05/10/01 11:59 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
Brian,you are NOT the ultimate coward. As you and all of us know we wait, and wait, and wait. But you took the step to face the issue of male abuse and are NOW doing something about it. You are taking all the right steps I think so don't call yourselt the untimate coward. You are very far from that. Me I waited for 51 years, and last month I was the only male to speak out agaist sexual abuse at Vanderbilt University while there were lots of women who spoke of women,some of them, rape. The American public is just beginning to accept that male rape DOES happen, in ALL parts of our lifes.You ARE SPEAKING OUT AND ARE TAKING STEPS TO RIGHT WHAT IS WRONG. Don't put yourself down. Keep up the good work. bos aka Michael


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#40252 - 05/10/01 07:15 PM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
Mark C Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/01
Posts: 39
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Brian....YOU ARE NOT THE COWARD HERE, any individual who is strong enough to deal with their sexual victimization as a child is not a coward, in fact...there aren't too many men who are willing to come forward and help our society accept the fact that MEN or boys can be victims of sexual abuse.

Your perp was very good at one thing...MANIPULATION...he or she was probably much older and had control and power over you...a child...NOW THERE IS A COWARD, so you see, you have it a bit mixed up. The sexual predator is the coward here NOT YOU!!! Although I can understand how you feel this way now.

I too want to speak out publicly about my abuse and I hope to do this very soon...not to get back at the person who hurt me, but to help other victims know that they are not alone, that shame, guilt and silence are the glue which keeps sexual abuse firmly in place. Your speaking up can help many people but it also may be very difficult as many may not want to accept what you have to say and I hope that is NOT the case.

I just want to say one more time...I have a HUGE amount of respect for anyone who is strong enough to deal with this type of painful past and for someone who is willing to speak up...I think little by little this has a great impact on our society...only then will we be able to talk about MALE Victimization for what it is....NOT JUST SOME BOY BEING INITIATED INTO MANHOOD! The lucky one who had some premature sexual experiences...this myth must be dispelled and you are helping to do just that...be well, Mark


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#40253 - 05/11/01 07:34 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
Anonymous
Unregistered


I would think it would be more difficult for a cop to report. You have seen first hand the crap reporters sometimes go through.

But I think we all freeze up at times. The inability to talk about it is some of what they do to us.

Hat's off to ya!


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#40254 - 05/12/01 12:28 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
Brian B14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
Update - The detective assisting me has interviewed almost all the neighbors. There has always been rumors about his sexual preference for young boys. He has grown old beyond his years, is in ill health and looks like the stereotypicial child molester.

We are still waiting to hear from one 15 year old boy who has since moved from the neighborhood. This boy used to do yard work for my abuser. This concerns me because this is how my relationship started with this piece of garbage. I will keep you posted.

I want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement. This is very difficult for me. I know that I have to expose this guy but I feel as though that I am the one thats going to be exposed. I know that sounds very selfish but thats how I feel. I am NOT going to stop. I've been so ashamed and felt so much guilt for so long, there is no way I'm going to stop.

Buckle up Bob, I'm coming after you!!

[ 05-12-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]


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#40255 - 05/12/01 05:47 AM Re: I'm the ultimate COWARD
Mark C Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/01
Posts: 39
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Hi Brian....Keep up the fight!

As a member of law enforcement, I was wondering what your thoughts might be regarding a topic I recently posted on the board. "Eliminating the statute of limitations for crimes of a sexual nature committed against minors". If you have or will read my post I just want to further explain that what I wrote about the opinion of SOME law enforcement individuals; I do realize this does not apply to all of them. But it was stated to me by a detective who felt it would be a waste of time and tie up the court system because old cases would be hard to prove. This may in fact sometimes be the case, but I believe every victim of such a heinous crime should have the right to hold this individual accountable. Many pedophiles have countless victims, by the time these children feel safe enough to come forward it has usually been many years, and the statute of limitations on that crime have long since expired, just like your case. I believe many offenders are well aware of this...I know that if there wasn't a statute of limitations it would help to put more of these predators behind bars we they can no longer harm children...if it could just put one such person behind bars then this law is worth changing! Okay I will get off my soapbox...but this is one that I feel people pay little attention to, and I think it is VERY VERY important these laws be changed.... \:\) Mark


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