This topic is two-fold:

First Topic: Sex

I've noticed that when my fiance and I have sex, I have this feeling like I want to be tortured and when I think about it seems that if we do that, it would get my frustrations of what happened to me out(the vivid images are there and sometimes want to cry, like it gets that bad). I asked to try but he said no because he doesn't want me to think of him being an abuser. (His thoughtfulness is incredible :)). I guess I just wanted to find out if my want is a "normal" response to what happened? Im confused by it as it's a new feeling.

Second Topic: Literal Torture of Abusers

I just want to be real here. Is fantasizing over and over of torturing my abusers for what they did to me a common thing you guys deal with, or do I have to call a psychiatrist? I think it would be normal, I would never actually do it. But I do find satisfaction with fantasizing me punishing/torturing them. Like how it happened to me. (Not the sexual stuff; the physical stuff)

I feel ashamed for even feeling like I could think that of another person. But I was hurt deeply. And it makes me happy seeing them suffer. Does that make me a "bad" person. Yes, I used words like "normal" and "bad" but I didn't have any better adjectives.

I don't think it makes you a bad person at all. In fact, your anger is better directed at the abuser than yourrself that is for sure. My only concern is holding onto that image and giving the abuser space in your head. He doesn't deserve one minute of your attention. Not a single second. This is just my opinion, but if you are thinking of him in many ways he still has some hold of your emotions. And you my friend, deserve better than that a million times over. Heal well.

Thunder

No, it does not make you a bad person.

I would guess that you went through some very rough stuff as a kid. You are probably dreaming about it too. If there's any way you could get some good EMDR therapy, it would probably put your mind at ease.

Puffer

Hey man,
Awesome Topic, keep in mind that what you do in the sack is for both of you guys. --See a relationship is about give and take and trust and love and letting go of self and expressing yourself. A Relationship is what WE DO, not what I DO to him or what HE DOES to me. So...letting go of self while making love with your fiance is a great tool. Sex is an expression of our emotions and also a common goal. Working together to accomplish mutual Climax...so...try to let go the ideas from your impulses and focus on exploring each other. Kiss passionately with your eyes open, Learn how his body reacts to things...you know? Leave off the torture for now, explain it to your T and work with them to understand why you are drawn to it and what you might get out of it. (by the way, totally normal, we often "repeat" our sexual behaviors, even the ones that were learned with unhealthy abusers)



Well...I don't know if there is a normal response to CSA and Torture. I suspect that revenge fantasies will tend to abate when the driving impulses (i.e. frozen hatred) become less. As I do the work that allows me to feel the "frozen" feelings from my past, I also work at understanding my place, my safety, and my anger. I eventually, over time, plan to understand well enough how I feel that all of this becomes history, it's rightful place. If you talk to someone who has healed after having been through a horrible event, they are cognizant that they went through it, but how much reverence they give to it, how much pain it still causes them, those parts of themselves they hate to admit to and feel pain when they see don't rule their lives. If they had PTSD from a natural disaster or other occurance they no longer deal with the symptoms on a day to day basis. That is the goal. You and I may never forget the events or the pains, but how we process them will become less threatening to our ability to cope with stressors and more self-friendly.

Good Luck man, and I hope you really enjoy being married and you boys have a long tender and loving life together.
Best Wishes, Geoff