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#402050 - 06/28/12 11:18 AM what the hell
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
OK. Sharing anything on this message board seems like a big hurdle to me, because even though I know it's ridiculous I think that crying about abuse that happened decades ago is pretty lame and weak.

I've spent two years in therapy, thank God, because it was a last resort. I had never put a name to the fucked up stuff that happened to me when I was a kid. I worried about it, sure, and did terrible and self-destructive things and became a fighter to protect and destroy myself, but I never truly looked at this secret that I had hoped to take with me to the grave.

I lived with shame, secrets and lies, some of which had no point except to be a lie. Just lies, like saying a bird had flown into a window or something. It didn't happen, but I said it did. What the hell? Well, now I've looked at this fucked up secret. It's ugly shit. It's shameful. Thank God I never did anything like that to anyone else. But I did have the dumbest affair on my wife, who I love. It wasn't even an affair so much as a few disgusting sexual encounters with an overly aggressive boundary-crossing bitch who I found myself unable to say no to.

The strange thing is that I had fantasized about having affairs, but the reality was hellish and horrible.

Anyway, with A LOT therapy and some meds, I've been handling things in a straightforward way for the last few years. Hell, at first I saw two therapists, each one once a week. I struggled with suicidal thoughts. Actually, that's probably true to say for most of my life. That, I'm glad to tell all you guys who are working now through what I was working through then, will get better. Did you get that? You won't want to cut yourself or drive off a cliff or spontaneously just feel the urge to kill yourself forever. Once you start telling the truth, the dark clouds might still hover sometimes, but those clouds will pass like the weather. And you will find yourself realizing that you haven't had a suicidal thought in... what? weeks? months? That's awesome.

I've not been 100 percent all the time, but I've learned how to tell the difference between minor stuff and major crap, and I haven't had any transgressions or serious sources of shame. Sure, like all of us, I'm sure, I'm damn good at the "shame cycle." I can get there quick if I have half-a-mind. These days my main source of shame is bounced checks, which I swear to God I've gotten into as almost a damn hobby. Isn't that fucked up? I mean, hey, it's a solid and dependable source of shame, and I have a good job, so I pay the penalty and go on with my month. I know it's ridiculous, though. In fact, I don't think I realized that I was doing it on purpose until just now.

Anyway, I'm turning forty this weekend. I've been in therapy, as I mentioned, but I haven't been open about this at all, except with my spouse. And I don't like to trouble her with it more than absolutely necessary. She has put up with a lot, and I don't expect her to be my therapist or to carry my load for me.

I struggled a long time with wanting to kill the fucker who did this me, but I couldn't figure out how I'd do it without victimizing myself further and ruining my family. I don't want to go to prison, and I wouldn't want to live with another secret. I know too well that a secret festers in the dark and gets worse and uglier and worse and uglier until it explodes like some disgusting and stinky boil.

So I'm new to this forum. Pardon me if I have something of an attitude. But I don't intend to overly dramatize anything or look for too much sympathy.

So why am I here? Because I'm tired of being alone in this. Because I want to be supportive of other people. Because I hope it'll help when I feel rage coming on. Because I'm still struggling to accept myself and to let the pain go and to worry about how to deal with secrets and all this crap. And because even writing this feels like a weight has been lifted from my chest.

Oh, right. One last thing. It's really amazing to see other people write about the strange feeling of being outside yourself. It's cool to know that that feeling has a name... which I somehow can never remember. Disembodied? It's good to know that other people see and hear about Sandusky and feel their skin burn and their brain get numb. I have only glanced over the lists, but it's strange how much I've read and seen that seem to connect me to this forum in so many ways. (That fact is a little distressing to me. It makes me think of that old line from the Marx Brothers: I wouldn't want to join any club that would allow me to be a member.) But if I've learned one thing over the past four years, it's that you can't choose your past. Our lives leave marks on us, and whether we like it or not we bear those marks for the rest of our days.

Thanks, whoever made this forum. And thanks all you survivors out there for sharing your thoughts and feelings and stuff. I'm feeling a strong urge to delete this post, but damn it I'm going to post it instead.

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#402053 - 06/28/12 11:25 AM Re: what the hell [Re: Robert1000]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1491
Quote:
Thanks, whoever made this forum. And thanks all you survivors out there for sharing your thoughts and feelings and stuff. I'm feeling a strong urge to delete this post, but damn it I'm going to post it instead.

Welcome to the brotherhood here. I am glad you had the courage to post - I always get a lump in my throat whenever I hit the send button (even now!) - but I suspect that is all of us. Perhaps it's because - for some of us - sharing is the antithesis of everything we thought we had to do as kids to survive. Sharing is the opposite of keeping secrets. That makes this site the opposite of the abuse we endured as kids.

Your story is quite affecting. Please know you have friends and a wealth of shared experience here.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#402085 - 06/28/12 06:43 PM Re: what the hell [Re: Robert1000]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Well done posting this instead of deleting it! It is good to want to connect with others who are recovering, who are affirming the positive choices in life! I have felt the need to cross the line driving and become a hood ornament for a semi tractor trailer, but my survival desire was so much stronger.

Nice to have you on board, I look forward to your future posts Robert.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#402099 - 06/28/12 09:42 PM Re: what the hell [Re: Robert1000]
Paul68 Offline


Registered: 06/28/12
Posts: 13
Loc: Australia
I am new here to Robert. I have only been dealing with my abuse for about 4 months. Your honesty and courage to describe how you feel amazes me, as do alot of other posts.

When you said you felt like deleting the post I was glad you didn't because alot of what you say is what I feel.

Even now I am thinking what I am writing is stupid and is not worth sharing but I have to believe that it's not, or at least I hope it's not.

I only joined yesterday but I already feel like I have a home amongst men who will understand me.

Paul

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#402100 - 06/28/12 09:55 PM Re: what the hell [Re: Robert1000]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
We're here. We care enough to read, and we're glad you're here with us to support each other.

I don't know what I would do without these message boards.

You're our brother in the unfortunate fraternity.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#402114 - 06/29/12 02:11 AM Re: what the hell [Re: Robert1000]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Robert1000
(1) ... even though I know it's ridiculous I think that crying about abuse that happened decades ago is pretty lame and weak.
...
(2) And you will find yourself realizing that you haven't had a suicidal thought in... what? weeks? months? That's awesome.

(3)I've not been 100 percent all the time, but I've learned how to tell the difference between minor stuff and major crap, ...
(4) I don't like to trouble her with it more than absolutely necessary. She has put up with a lot, and I don't expect her to be my therapist or to carry my load for me.
...
(5) because even writing this feels like a weight has been lifted from my chest.
...
(6) it's strange how much I've read and seen that seem to connect me to this forum in so many ways.
...
(7) you can't choose your past. Our lives leave marks on us, and whether we like it or not we bear those marks for the rest of our days.
...
(8) thanks all you survivors out there for sharing your thoughts and feelings and stuff. I'm feeling a strong urge to delete this post, but damn it I'm going to post it instead.


Robert - glad you've found your way here!
i edited your post and added numbers to the points i want to respond to:

1. you're right - it is ridiculous! you have good reason to mourn the past - chances are you never had the chance to do that before in a safe environment. and you are not just crying - but expelling the toxins that have been pent up for years. keep on doing it! far from being lame and weak - it is a demonstration of strength and courage - and one of the hardest things anyone can do.

2. congratulations on getting yourself into a safer place. now stay there!

3. recognizing the difference and responding appropriately is a huge step. well done!

4. maybe that's the path you two need to take, but for my wife and me, she needs to be included and wants as much communication as i can handle. i hope you are considering her preferences rather than just assuming that is the best way to do it?

5. i find that writing and posting and entering dialog with others is one of the most helpful therapies i can do.

6. yeah - i used to think i was the only one who felt this way - but have found a vast army of support among the survivor brotherhood. we all can understand most of what anyone else says. you/me/we are not alone!

7. true - the difference is what we do with it all. we can choose to change our future, even though we can't do anything about the past. not easy - but possible.

8. thank you, too for sharing. i'm so glad you didn't delete.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#402349 - 07/02/12 09:59 AM Re: what the hell [Re: Robert1000]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Thanks, all, for responding. Paul, it felt good to read your response. And you, too, Lee. Keep it up, guys. We can do this together.

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