In revealing the depth of his trauma from CSA, my husband hash also confessed numerous instances of cheating during our marriage. A one night stand in 2005, two instances of visiting massage parlors in 2006, years upon years of phone sex, and most recently, a 2 year emotional affair.

I understand this is common behavior from CSA survivors and I have chosen to forgive my husband and stay by him as he works through this.

He has had numerous instances of suicidal thoughts over the last six months. It had been a terrifically scary time. During this, my husband continues to talk with the woman he had the EA with (she is an abuse survivor herself). He also developed an offline friendship (?) with a phone sex operator over the years.

The EA came to a head this spring. I feel it is resolved. Both my husband and the other woman have decided they do not want anything more from each than friendship and support as they both try to heal. I believe this, but although she lives across the country, her presence is still a painful reminder.

My therapist says my husband is not yet ready to relinquish all his coping mechanisms and that if he feels he cannot speak to me (he works away from home very frequently) then he needs to be reaching out to whomever he can to abate the suicidal thoughts.

Has anyone else experienced this? While I want my husband to survive this, it feels as thought my heart will explode in the meantime. Am I really supposed to be okay with this? I worry that his inability to talk to me is really just a sign that this marriage is over and that there is really nothing left between us worth salvaging.

Wish I could give you some wise words as you have me.... but I cant.. apart from.. how much are you willing to take?? I cant understand how you can be continually expected to accept these betrays and this be put down constantly to the CSA...one of those things.. I have said the same to my partner re his alcohol and awol episodes hence he reason he is back at his mams since last week.... All I needed to say was " I thought we had an agreement!" and he knew he had crossed the line and was probably going to for the next couple of weeks. Therefore we agreed he should return to his mams until it is out of his system.

Msg me if you want to talk x

Dear Valkyrie,

I can only speak from my own experience. I come from this from the other side: a girl who speaks on the phone and via email with a man abused as a child. He's had a girlfriend or two while I've known him. He desperately wants to hang onto them, but he's so determined to hide what he's going on, he doesn't trust them, and they feel alienated and break up with him, from what I can tell.

Believe me when I say, he doesn't feel he has anything in common with me, except that I humor him in his hidden urges, and that I never shame him about anything. He never wants to see me, he never wants to talk about what he's doing otherwise in his life at all. He never wants to talk about his friends, his family, nothing. We've tried that, and it just did not work. He was miserable, sure any second he was going to regress to his abused childhood mood, and have no control over that.

Part of what these men do phenomenally well is compartmentalize. If you know their secret you're in the secret box. If you don't, you're in the public box. He'd much rather want to want to spend his time in the public box, but sometimes he just can't resist the private one.

To say you have nothing in common with him is to misunderstand his thinking, in my judgment.

D.

He has to end all contact with the other women. Period. I'm sorry if that is his coping mechanism. YOu can help him find another. Forgiving infidelity is no small task (I'm living it). To my knowledge, my husband has ended all contact and the triggers for me still keep firing away. If he has a therapist, this is a good person to talk to about how to help him cope better. If you guys have a marriage therapist, hearing your perspective may help him. My husband seems much more understanding of the pain caused by the betrayal after attending just a couple of marriage counseling sessions.

He needs to understand that his behavior causes real pain. I don't know about you, but for me it was debilitating pain. I want very much to be a part of my husband's healing, but I didn't want to stay in a marriage with a person I do not trust. I am here, but he cannot do things that further erode that trust. He can't have "friends" that are in the secretive, adulterous sphere. Not and have me too.

The best books I've read for dealing with affairs are "After the Affair" by Janis Spring, and Cindy Beall's "Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken". Cindy's book is a Christian book, Janis's is not. CSA makes our situation slightly different, but the core tenets of healing a relationship do not change.

I wish you luck, prayers, whatever you believe in and need.

I lived that same scenario. He turned to internet porn, and cheated on me, at first it was a texting "friendship" I told him it was emotional cheating and was afraid it would be more. It did and it was. He continued to cheat and acted irrational. He changed the locks on the house and wouldn't let me get my things. A week later he was engaged. I was crushed.

Allowing him to continue any relationship - friends or not is ENABLING him. He will turn to these behaviors again and again as they are familiar coping mechanisms.

I eventually got back with him - only to have him split again and again. We attended therapy together and alone. Then he'd withdraw emotionally. One day out of the blue, I was served a restraining order only to find out he was attending therapy with "HER" as well. In court was when I found out he married her. I was DEVASTATED. I laid into the therapist for allowing that to happen. She knew nothing about it because he wasn't seeing her. His most irrational behaviors were when he split and during that time he'd cancel his therapy appointments.

I understand how you feel. I loved him and nurtured him with all my heart. I was there when no one else was. He was who I wanted to love and care for - for the rest of my life. I knew when he was splitting his behaviors went to an obnoxious child like and irrational behavior. He was very embarrassed by it. He chose someone who also had issues and a history of abuse. She made him feel "strong".

You are the strong person, the person whom he trusts and depends on, but you are and will be a life time TARGET. I miss him, I still will always love him, but he made a choice. It will be something he regrets as he did before. His patterns are very in tune to past relationships.

Ask yourself how long you can live the way you are living? Should you and could you do this forever? It is emotionally draining. For me it was 2 1/2 years of HELL. It has only been 7 months, I ache for what I had, I ache for what we lost. I hurt horribly for how he did this to me again and again. I am struggling to regain my own self image and self worth. I want him to be happy and to be well, but not HER.

It is a vicious cycle. The victim extends beyond him, it extends to you being a victim of the circumstances and of the ghosts of his past.

It may seem horrible right now at thought of walking away, but don't YOU become more of a victim. YOU can not save him. He has to help himself and it is HARD work. Most people give up and just revert to these behaviors. Should have, could have and would have are not what you want to remember all this by, because it is nothing you can control.

I lost 5 years of my life, I had moved to another side of the state to be with him and left a secure job that I loved. I lost my best friend, my lover, my future dreams, I nearly lost myself. I am still out of work, and feel horribly lonely ... I feel like I died, but I am not dead. I got a LOYAL companion by getting a dog. Unconditional love is fabulous.

I trusted him and forgave him - again and again. What do I have to show for it? Giving him a second chance (and third and fourth) was like giving him more bullets because he didn't destroy me the first time.

When you find yourself crumbling and praying and falling to your knees asking GOD for help. Listen to that still small voice - It really is there. It is telling you "ENOUGH." You already know the answer - it is just hard to acknowledge it and want to accept it. I knew it too, but I just couldn't think of being with anyone else.

I lost my husband 7 years ago to lung cancer and this "death of the relationship" was so much more painful because I always thought what if ...

The truth is YOU deserve to be happy and whole. I hope that one day that is how I will feel again. I wish you all the best and hope you find a therapist to help YOU!!

Thank you all for your responses. The big question I feel I need to have answered first is whether or not I am getting crap advice from my therapist....

I don't know but my first therapist after 2 sessions said "divorce him." I wanted to divorce him so her advice didnt seem wrong per SE, I just didn't think she had enough info after 2 sessions to determine that. I say that to say there are some sorry therapists out there.

Hi Val.

So sorry for this.

You are right. Survivors do do this, and it is the most awful coping mechanism that we could have.
I had emotional affairs and was addicted to porn for years and years. Sex was repulsive to me so I was not interested in having an affair, but now, in hindsight, I realize that what I did was just as damaging.

I agree with your husbands therapist, but I also disagree. I am one for the Phil form of therapy, this is what happened, this is what pain it caused and this is what I will do to deal with it.
The therapists that justify the use of coping mechanisms, in my Humble opinion, give credence to the use of such pain inflicting measures. This at the end of the day is not fair to you.
Now this is important because you are in a relationship, and relationships are generally a two way street.

In the book "Opening the doors, A therapists guide to treating male survivors". The author writes that if a survivor is still using, and using means any coping mechanism, then it dramatically reduces the healing prospects. So If your husband is still pursuing an EA or talking to the Phone sex operator, it hinders the prospects of his healing. I mean why heal if you can still have the best of both worlds. It's like attending AA but having a drink before you go so you can face up to it. Does not make sense.

This healing is not only his healing, it is yours too. It is a partnership, and your husband, being a survivor, does not understand the meaning of the word partnership.
You both need to sit down and map out the responsibilities of the other. ie. he does not do EA or phone sex and you will check up on him. He does not act out any more, and he respects what you are and that you are a person that deserves love and care and respect.
You however need to do a Co-Dependant program, There is one in the book "Co-Dependent no more" and you need to start attending either CODA or Al-Anon. Remember that the impact of CSA is far reaching and hurts the ones we love tremendously. YOU ALSO NEED TO HEAL.

Please take care of yourself, and set the boundaries, don't listen to stuff that does not sit well with you. If it sounds like crap, tastes like crap, chances are it probably is crap.
Just because someone has a degree, does not mean they know everything, but bear in mind that the addict is a master manipulator, and probably twisted the words of the T to suite his own needs.

You need to be suspicious of things that are said that you don't feel are right.
Don't forget that you are in need of support and therapy, or you will end up after all this hard work and support of your husband, separating or worse getting divorced because he has healed and you are still mistrusting and hurt.
Why do I say this, well because that happened to me.

Love yourself
Heal well
Martin

Valkyrie,
If you are your husband are trying to save your marriage I believe it's crap advice.

Good luck I know how painful all this can be, but with hard work and dedication to the process he can find other mechanism. I can't imagine in the long run how running to another woman would make him feel better. When he comes home to you he will feel terrible and shame. It's sounds like a vicious cycle.

Martin advice is sound. Take it!

Gretta

Hi Valkyrie,

I cannot believe that a competent therapist would even think of saying this:



The ONLY phone calls he should be making if he is feeling suicidal is either to the suicide prevention hotline or to 911.

Having that therapist tell him it is okay for him to keep engaging in his dysfunctional coping mechanisms is grossly inappropriate.

I think the others here have given you very good advice.

You need to decide for yourself what you will and will not tolerate, and you need to set these limits with your husband.

The limits are not being set to shame or humiliate him. Nor are they forms of blackmail. You are telling him, unequivically what you will and will not accept. You cannot continue to be harmed by his behavior.

As someone said, what is the incentive for him to change when he has his coping mechanisms and you, too?

I really think that "therapist" needs to hear a thing or two about that recommendation.

Anywho, those that have answered have given you a lot of information. There are many resources available to you to heal from your husband's behavior.

Hopefully your husband will choose to grow with you, rather than apart from you. Whatever his choice, you need to be healthy and you need to take care of your needs. This is not being "selfish," it is being healthy.

Your love is valuable to him, but you cannot do this work for him. Only he can do the work necessary to heal.

Be gentle and kind to yourself.





Anomalous