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#402161 - 06/29/12 03:52 PM Facing Your Abuser Question?
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1627
Recently I found the abuser and sent a letter to him to let him know I had not forgotten him. It felt great to write the letter. Lately I keep having thoughts of going to his home. My thoughts go as far as me sitting in the car across the street from his home, waiting. I can see the house (I have seen pictures of the house on the net) and it seems so real. I am there by myself. I am not sure what I am waiting for-to see him, to see how old age has effected, to confront him or just to be satisfied I know exactly where he lives. It has been part of my thoughts for several weeks now and I cannot shake it. I do not think I am ready for it.

But these thoughts are interwoven with another fear I have. My mother is quite elderly and will want to be buried from the church where the abuse occurred. I do not want to enter the church and these thoughts of going to his home in a nearby town came with the thoughts of having to enter the church. I think I may see this as the only way to overcome my fear of entering the church--to see him or whatever.

My T is concerned about the continued thoughts. He advises I do not go alone if I choose to go to his home. He has concerns because of dissociative episodes in the past of being near his home could trigger an event and put me at risk. He says to bring someone I trust and not to bring anyone who was responsible or involved in creating the past triggers that caused the dissociative episodes. He believes their actions if they were there would be to provoke me and trigger actions that would put me at risk because of loosing myself, as their actions did in the past. But I have this sense of needing to control what happens on my terms because I have not controlled it for a lifetime. I fear sharing the meeting, if there is one. But at the same time fear if I were to meet how I would feel and his response. I am trying not to let this take over my thoughts but with my mom I fear I might have to face sooner than I would like to face it.

I have been loosing sleep over these thoughts. I was wondering,those that have faced their abuser, did you do it alone or with another person? Thank you


Edited by KMCINVA (06/29/12 05:34 PM)

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#402170 - 06/29/12 07:00 PM Re: Facing Your Abuser Question? [Re: KMCINVA]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Wow! I have nothing to offer you b/c I never knew my abuser, he was a stranger with candy. But I have always fantasized about a confrontation. Now you have the real opportunity and it's a devastating proposal. Ask yourself what are you expecting to gain from this endeavor? Validation... an apology? I don't guess those things are going to happen from someone who's a free man.

I can only imagine how it would go for me. The perp will act like every other low-life I've ever seen on tape. "What are you talking about? I never touched you? You're mistaken. It didn't happen. Go away" Then I'd raise my voice, cause a scene maybe start breaking the cute potted plants with the impatients and marigolds by the door and then the cops would come. But that's just me.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#402175 - 06/29/12 09:16 PM Re: Facing Your Abuser Question? [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3373
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i had to face him every day until i was 18 and went away to college. then after i moved out, i went back as seldom as possible. since he was my mom's husband i had to return every so often - but seldom more than once or twice a year. i never confronted or accused him. actually, i even tried to "reconcile" and apologize on two occasions by letter - once in college and once later - trying to establish some sort of less adversarial relationship. never got a response. he died about the time i had just started making some headway in facing up to the memories and dealing with them. just as well. i have written some letters and poems and journal entries addressed to him. that is enough for me. it helped me - and no possibility of rebuttals.

other abusers - slightly older peers in school - i recently did an online search and located one of the three main ringleaders of the gang - somewhat unusual name and the exact same location. the other two - i found the right names and ages - but was unable to definitely identify which of several they were.

I will never contact any of them. i just don't have any expectations and would not be able to handle the denial and challenges to my memories that i am sure would result.

the last was a stranger and i never knew a name and don't think i ever looked at his face. I think that's good - less material for flashbacks.

but that's just me...
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#402291 - 07/01/12 02:18 PM Re: Facing Your Abuser Question? [Re: KMCINVA]
Steve0123 Offline


Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
I have been struggling with this question as well...my abuser is likely gone or soon to be, but I haven't made any attempt to find this person...I don't ever want to see that person again, but part of me is wondering if it would be helpful/neccessary to have some closure.

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#402317 - 07/01/12 08:47 PM Re: Facing Your Abuser Question? [Re: KMCINVA]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I would like to confront my abuser at home, but he lives in a town so small that use PO boxes for everything, and so I can get is hs PO box... None the less I did confront him through face book. He is on Social Securiy, because he is disabled…
The other abuser I don’t know his real name yet, only his nick name. I look forward to confronting him.

Does this need to be in person? Will a phone call work at first? If you do choose to meet with him try to do it in a public place. If you want to screw him, do it at his place of employment.

_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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