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Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
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#402248 - 06/30/12 10:01 PM I go there everyday
max52 Offline


Registered: 05/08/11
Posts: 30
Loc: usa
In 1966 I was sent to Starr Commonwealth for Boys in Albion Mi.
I had failed the 6th grade twice and had a poor home life, this
boy's school I had been sent to was a strange place, there were 13 yr. olds such as myself who had commited no crime(s) as well as 16 yr. olds who had stolen cars or commited robberies.
I was one of the lucky kids, the worst thing forced on me was some kid grabbing my penis or taking my hand and rubbing it on his, then there was the big kid who thought it was fine to stick his finger(s) in my butt, but I was lucky.
Everyday I remember the 12 yr. old who came along about 2 weeks after I did, I remember the 15 yr old getting into his bunk that was below mine, I remember how shocked I was when I finaly realised that the older boy was rapeing the 12 yr old,
I didn't know that guys could do this.
I remember the 18 yr old who came back for a visit, he was aloud to sleep in the dorm, he raped an 11 yr old.
I want to forget, to quit "dreaming" about the place, I am sick of being there.

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#402250 - 06/30/12 10:16 PM Re: I go there everyday [Re: max52]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 320
Loc: Ohio
That is hard.

The only thing I know is to do with things like that is purposefully take myself somewhere else, somewhere nurturing. Can't control what happens after I fall asleep in my dreams, but I can decide what kind of things to take in during my freer time when awake.

Hope you find some relief from it.

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#402335 - 07/02/12 05:05 AM Re: I go there everyday [Re: max52]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3392
Loc: somewhere in Africa
max -

you gotta find a better place to spend your time!

i know that is easier said than done.

are there some good memories that you can consciously choose to think about? Could you read a book with a really fascinating plot? if you watch movies, does that help? when you are talking with someone else, does that keep your mind off the subject? do you have a job or hobby or sport or some kind of activity that can keep your mind engaged in something more positive?

do you have a counselor or therapist who could help you? if not could you find someone who is qualified to help with your issues?

I hope others might have some good suggestions too...

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#402352 - 07/02/12 10:35 AM Re: I go there everyday [Re: max52]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
max,

I'm sorry, that must be awful.

I've had some good luck using tapping for some ptsd like things. If you do a google search with those terms, you'll find numerous links.

Danny

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#402354 - 07/02/12 11:13 AM Re: I go there everyday [Re: max52]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Max, That's absolutely awful. You know, one thing I've learned from therapy is that everyone who was exposed to sexual abuse is profoundly affected by it. It may not have been you who was raped, but you were clearly traumatized by sexual abuse, as well as guilt and who knows what all else. It's confusing as hell to be in a situation like you were. And it's a common thing to write-down the bad things that happen to us, while focusing our sympathy on those who seem to deserve it more nearby. That's a way to redefine what happened to us, to remove ourselves from the victim list. But it's also an awful trick to pull on ourselves, because it doesn't let us deal honestly and fully with the pain that we're living with. The fact is that you were traumatized, and you clearly have symptoms of PTSD. So do I. I recommend therapy and medication, if your doctor thinks it a good idea.

On a related note, I actually realized that I was a nervous eater after I started taking anti-anxiety meds. It was strange. I just didn't feel hungry. And that's when I learned that I interpreted anxiety as "hunger." Which is why I ate to the point of feeling completely stuffed. I was eating to fill a hole and a need inside!

Good luck to you, Max. Don't sort your way through this alone. Get professional help, and stay in touch with this group. You can heal here, no doubt about it. And you'll find that things that haunt you can lose power when written down here, and especially as people start to respond.

Thanks for writing.

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