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#402191 - 06/30/12 05:03 AM Emotionally exhausted
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
My


Edited by mkn10 (06/25/13 07:13 AM)

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#402195 - 06/30/12 07:04 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
richie48 Offline


Registered: 08/06/11
Posts: 3
Loc: NEW YORK
Very Painful!
_________________________
DVC-Richard

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#402212 - 06/30/12 02:06 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Kazbob12 Offline


Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 42
Hi mkn10,

If you have seen any of my posts you will realise that I also am going through the exact same situation and issues as yourself with my partner.

He has currently gone back to his mams due to AWOl episodes where I cant contact him, saying he will only be a couple of hours then staying out all night etc etc.. I must admit it has got better as he will now (eventually) communicate with me.. where as before he calls and text messages would be ignored and I would be left wondering where he was, what was happening for several days....weeks on some occasions.

It comes down to boundaries somewhat.... there has been much advice given to me on this site in relation to this which makes sense.. he has never known boundaries.. all these were broken and meaningless from the abuse... therefore need to be reinstated.

I started by talking to my partner and explaining how I felt and what the actions portrayed...disrespect, worthlessness etc and how I understood he needed time away in order to deal with the things going round in his head...This is the reason for the alcohol and substance misuse by the way....coping mechanisms to block out memories, flashbacks, feelings! A way to escape from it all...however it is also destrucfull and a form of self harm!

My partner told me before we got re-involved.. we were in a relationship at school.. and I took this on knowing there would be issues but not realising what...

The hurtful words and behaviour are also a way of pushing you away...even tho he probably does not want to do this... it is a way of testing boundaries, seeing how far he can push... and most of all whether you are completely committed to him or whether your going to discard him, therefore he tests you! Not nice but to be fair this is all down to the feelings which have been instilled in him with the abuse

My partner has managed to attend 3 sessions of counselling..they cancelled a session and that was that... he made the effort to contact them..which took a year! and then they let him down. So he has not been back!

Its a long hard road..however you mustn't forget the pain, suffering and turmoil your partner is going through as well. Its hard for a reason! I have also cried a river and it is no easy road!

All I can advise is you need to be completely open with him, communicate your feelings,and figure out what your expectations are of him and what your willing to accept....

Stay strong
Karen x

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#402215 - 06/30/12 02:26 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi,
If he doesn't have MPD or DID, he sounds very close to it.

Basically, in this situation, a man while in one mood hates you, in the other mood he loves you. The two moods do not have the same taste in women. One mood will totally ignore what the other mood has done, because guess what? He didn't do it!

Anyway, if that's not what's going on, he for sure wants to act on his impulses (I have never liked the term "acting out," because to me, what these men want to do is a perfectly understandable reaction to what they've suffered. I mean, if you're cut, you bleed, right?), and do his own thing and to heck with your hopes and expectations.

Personally, I'd leave him. If he ever decided to get serious about straightening up, then I'd do EXACTLY HALF as much as he did for you, and not one single bit more.

D.
Dealing with a multiple friend for going on 4 years.
_________________________
Female.

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#402222 - 06/30/12 03:48 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
FishmanofRI Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 13
I lived that same scenario (minus the drugs). His personality would "split" ... read about splitting - also read "I hate you don't leave me." It will give you a better understanding of him. It isn't easy. That is such a deep horrible seed that was never taken care of.

He turned to internet porn, and cheated on me. He got counseling, which for awhile made things worse. He continued to cheat and acted irrational. He changed the locks on the house and wouldn't let me get my things. A week later he was engaged. I was crushed.

I eventually got back with him - only to have him split again and again. We attended therapy together and alone. Then he'd withdraw emotionally. One day I was served a restraining order only to find out he was attending therapy with "HER" as well, and she managed to get him to marry her. I was DEVASTATED. I loved him and nurtured him with all my heart. I was there when no one else was. He was who I wanted to love and care for - for the rest of my life. I knew when he was splitting his behaviors went to an obnoxious child like and irrational behavior. He was very embarrassed by it. He chose someone who also had issues and a history of abuse. She made him feel "strong".

I want to give you hope knowing how much the therapy helped. The challenge is the hidden triggers and personalities that pop up. You are the strong person, the person whom they turn to and depend on, but you are and will be a life time TARGET. I miss him, I still will always love him, but he made a choice. It will be something he regrets as he did before, but he is too proud to admit it. His patterns are very in tune to past relationships.

I am not saying walk away or leave him. Get YOU in a good position emotionally. It is the only way to protect YOURSELF. My therapist warned me what could happen, and that many survivors never really recover.

Ask yourself how long you can live the way you are living? Should you and could you do this forever? It is emotionally draining. For me it was 2 1/2 years of HELL. It has only been 7 months, I ache for what I had, I ache for what we lost. I hurt horribly for how he did this to me again and again. I am struggling to regain my own self image and self worth. I want him to be happy and to be well, but not HER. I hate the miserable bastard of a grandfather for abusing all five of his grandchildren. I can't understand how none of their parents knew; especially knowing that his father had probably been abused as a child as well. It is a vicious cycle. The victim extends beyond him, it extends to you being a victim of the circumstances and of the ghosts of his past. To think one person could ruin so many lives...

It may seem horrible right now at thought of walking away, but don't YOU become more of a victim. YOU can not save him. He has to help himself and it is HARD work. Most people give up and just revert to these behaviors. Should have, could have and would have are not what you want to remember all this by, because it is nothing you can control. Walking away would have been self-preservation for me. I lost 5 years of my life and nearly lost myself. Still struggle, but there is some bigger and better plan out there somewhere for me.

I wish you all the best and hope you find a therapist to help YOU!!

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#402223 - 06/30/12 03:57 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
FishmanofRI Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 13
Read below ...

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#402242 - 06/30/12 06:18 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
One thing I should change, because it's not accurate. When I wrote that one mood will love you and the other hate you, what is really true, is the public mood will love you, the girl he claims to the world, and the private mood might like you too, but be afraid to let you know he even exists, because you'll reject him or harm him.

This private mood will have urges you don't approve of, and he'll seek out someone to fulfill the urges. He won't love that person either. He'll see that person as someone he loves to HATE. Because that person does the "bad" things his urges cause him to want.

And the person that loves having someone to hate, doesn't want a "relationship" with that hated person. He is simply using that person to fulfill his urges. If he didn't have to know her name, so much the better.

Somewhat complex. It's a maze.


Edited by Disappointed (06/30/12 06:19 PM)
_________________________
Female.

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#402256 - 06/30/12 11:18 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
I am so grateful for all your responses, it’s nice to know that good people still exist in this cruel world. At 25 years of age, I feel like I have almost given up on humanity. FishmanofRI what you said is so true about the victim extending beyond him. I, too, now have so much internal anger for the perpetrator and think how could the parents not have known. But my guess is that they do know, have always known but are the type of emotionally void people who simply don’t know how to do anything. I so wish there was someone else to help him but me.

Thank you Kazbob12 for your advice about boundaries, it is very helpful and you are very strong - “you mustn't forget the pain, suffering and turmoil your partner is going through as well” – you are obviously a very good person.
The thing is, I am so confused that one minute I am so committed to stay and be there for him despite the way he treats me, and then the next I get so scared that things will never improve and that I am wishing my life away. I am afraid because having children is a dream of mine, but HE is certainly not fit to be a parent, and may not ever be :’o(.

Disappointed, your advice on MPD and DID scares me so much. I hope this is not what is going on, I have read a bit about them today, and he doeasn’t act like someone with totally different characteristics (ie age, gender) and he does remember the events that happen when he is his “other” self, but I think it is more that he is emotionally incapable of dealing with them. I think his emotional maturity stopped at age 8 when the CSA took place. It is more like he has the self that everyone knows, that outgoing, fun, carefree, happy guy. Then he has another side which only I (and perhaps his family know), which is sad, angry and confused.

He told me that some days he knows all the answers and is sure about me, but then the uncertainty always seeps back in, and then he wants to be alone or with mates. I asked if it is because of anything that I do that makes him uncertain, and he said it is “just his own insecurities”.

The thing is, he usually only contacts me once a week (now that he is overseas, he has sent me one email in one week). So it seems to me that one day per week to be certain about me is very little, and the uncertainty is dominant.

I definitely think it is a maze, and I'm still not sure what path I'll take.

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#402275 - 07/01/12 08:11 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
FYI: My friend remembers everything, no matter who's in the driver's seat.
_________________________
Female.

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#402312 - 07/01/12 06:28 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: Kazbob12]
colours Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
My thoughts differ to that of Disappointed, (no disrespect intended)I think the diagnosis of MPD or DID should be left to a specialist professional, or perhaps you could see one yourself and describe these behaviours you are concerned about in your partner. Speaking from experience with my own unhealthy behaviours that seem similar to your partners ( and also my partners, funny how you recognise their behaviour and not your own first, talking about me not you), I agree very much with
Originally Posted By: Kazbob12
This is the reason for the alcohol and substance misuse by the way....coping mechanisms to block out memories, flashbacks, feelings! A way to escape from it all...however it is also destrucfull and a form of self harm!

AND

The hurtful words and behaviour are also a way of pushing you away...even tho he probably does not want to do this... it is a way of testing boundaries, seeing how far he can push... and most of all whether you are completely committed to him or whether your going to discard him, therefore he tests you! Not nice but to be fair this is all down to the feelings which have been instilled in him with the abuse



This describes it to a "T", its not about you, the hurtful words etc, its about us, we do it because we think you will leave because we arent good enough, sort of like a "push me - pull you" we dont want you to go but we test you to see if you will, with my partner also a csa victim, in our relationship one of us is always leaving, the other is chasing, testing, testing, testing. Its not about your worth, its about ours, we dont think much of ourselves at all in terms of worth, so how could YOU possibly LOVE US?? Its hard to beleive someone else could love us if we feel that we are unlovable inside.

The way we go about this testing is unacceptable, it is abusive to you and your relationship and is self sabotaging, however in saying that i was not even aware of these behaviours until i started therapy, so i seriously doubt your partner knows that he is even doing it.

When i was testing, in my mind (and often out loud)i was always saying things like "If you loved me you would....." If you loved me you wouldnt....... "If you loved me properly" " You dont love me enough, im not right for you" My exhusbdand, when i left him almost 10 years ago after only being married a few months, said "No-one will ever love you enough" he was right i was a bottomless pit. I'm glad i left, for him, had i not of left i think i would have sucked him dry of himself, completelty eroded his self worth by blaming him for everything, for not loving me enough, for testing, testing, testing.

Im in therapy im still working on these issues, i recognise them and im working on changing them, it is challenging and confusing. What i will say is this, if he is not prepared to help himself, get help, face probably the most unbearable feelings he will ever face and want to change there is not a damn thing you can do to help him. Dont abandon your road to happiness, sometimes as painful as it is you have to leave them behind.

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#402332 - 07/02/12 04:36 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
Hi colours,

Thank you kindly for your insightful response. You are very brave to be working on your issues, I hope you and your partner can pull through!

I just wanted to ask you, in your opinion, during times when you are the one testing your partner, do you ever ignore all of his contact and just go off on your own? And if so, do you want your partner to contact you or just give you space?

Also, do you have a lot of uncertainty about your partner?
And what made you take the first move to get yourself into therapy?

“If he is not prepared to help himself, get help, face probably the most unbearable feelings he will ever face and want to change there is not a damn thing you can do to help him. Dont abandon your road to happiness, sometimes as painful as it is you have to leave them behind.”
– I agree completely, and have tried and failed so many times to move on, whenever I get a bit further away, he pulls me back as he says he is afraid to lose me. I have a very soft heart, unfortunately.

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#402338 - 07/02/12 07:26 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI MKN 10

I generally respond to a post without reading the other responses so I don't change my mind and not say what I feel should be said. So if I repeat what has been said I apologize.

So:-
Firstly I am deeply sorry for what you are going through, I really as a survivor understand what you are going through because I did the same to my wife.
The Most important thing here is that YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT. You truly deserve to be treated with love kindness and respect.
Next is that you are not responsible for your partners problems, you did not abuse him and hurt him but you are being punished for it.
I know that it sounds harsh but he needs to WANT to heal himself. It is like trying to treat an alcoholic that does not want to stop drinking. The first step in an 12 step program is to admit that you are powerless over sex, alcohol, drugs etc. and that your life had become unmanageable.
The thing that your partner needs to understand is the effect that his abuse has had on his life.
The important thing here is boundaries. These Boundaries YOU need to establish. You know the old adage, draw a line in the sand, well this is it.
I am sure that many people have given you great advice, but you need to get into a program like Al-Anon or CODA. Even if the relationship is over, you need to heal too.

At the end of the day it is important that you look after yourself and that you don't have a codependent relationship. Having a relationship like this means that he will suck you back into his vortex of self destruction and pain through guilt and pity time and time again.
My favourite saying for the partners of Survivors is this.
Care about the things that you can control, i.e. yourself, and stop worrying about the things that you cannot control i.e. HIM.

Feel free to PM me at any time.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#402341 - 07/02/12 08:08 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
colours Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: mkn10
1.)I just wanted to ask you, in your opinion, during times when you are the one testing your partner, do you ever ignore all of his contact and just go off on your own? And if so, do you want your partner to contact you or just give you space?

2.)Also, do you have a lot of uncertainty about your partner?
3.)And what made you take the first move to get yourself into therapy?

“
–4.)I agree completely, and have tried and failed so many times to move on, whenever I get a bit further away, he pulls me back as he says he is afraid to lose me. I have a very soft heart, unfortunately.


1.) Its rare that i test him in that manner by literally pushing him away or out the door or just leave and not answer his calls, if i do, as much as i hate to see this side of myself, it is to see if he will call and how soon that will be. Its a test. Generally i test in other ways, if he loved me he would do ________ if he loved me he wouldnt_________ if he loved me he would say___________. An when the correct response, actions etc werent fulfilled as i beleived they should be id get hurt and generally very angry. The thing is in the past I havent realised that I was testing him. Him on the other hand does exhibit those behaviours on many occassions, generally for our relationship it has been because he cheated and cant face me, he is extremely immature when it comes to take responsibility for his actions and will RUN rather than FACE. This may not be the case for you relationship. While he was running he never wanted to talk to me I was just a reminder that what he was doing was wrong (cheating), if he did answer the phone he would be really angry at me and id be told all of the things that i do wrong. BLAME BLAME BLAME = unwillingness to take responsibility for your own actions. Generally when i would start to get on with my own life that is when he would come back. I am not saying in any way that this is what is happening in your relationship.

2.) I am hugely uncertain about my partner, how could i not be when he is so uncertain of himself. Maybe he sees me the same way i dont know

3.) What got me into therapy?? He agreed to marry and go through IVF with me. Things still were not right and i was miserable in our relationship, i could be sitting right next to him yet i still felt alone in our relationship. Let me make it clear at this point i had no idea that there was csa in my past, memories of that came later, after a bit of therapy, not that my psychologist has said anything about csa, they were memories that just kind of came back watching a video about csa. I think that is what the other CSA survivors refer to as triggered. Basically, I spent two days crying because i felt absolutely useless, worthless, and with no hope of it ever changing, i wanted to just die, not kill myself, i did get angry with myself because i didnt have the nerve to end my own life at the time, and i just couldnt take it anymore i wanted answers, i actually picked up a Dr Phil book and could not answer simple questions such as "when was the last time you were: excited, happy, motivated etc etc" I just had no answer so i went to therapy to help find the answers.


4.) FIRSTLY - You are allowing him to pull you back in, and it seems you are allowing him to do that without caring for yourself or your own emotional health when doing so. I could be wrong. You need to get therapy, to help you deal with and find out why you are allowing it. He cannot drag you kicking and screaming back into a relationship without your permission. You do need to set boundaries and conditions, have an idea for yourself on what is a deal breaker for this relationship, at least from this point on. i.e. if he quits therapy im gone, if he wont go to therapy im gone. You need to trust yourself that you will keep those boundaries, dont make rules that you know you will not abide by and certainly dont lay down the law to him if you dont intend on sticking to it, it just escalates the problems. Use that soft heart on yourself first, imagine for yourself that you are your sister, daughter, someone that is very special to you, would you think they deserve to be treated this way?? I can see your obviously a very compassionate person, unfortunately no amount of compassion will fix him if he isnt prepared to help himself, there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE THAT. It is hugely frustrating I know, it is a very hard thing to take that there is not a damn thing you can do to stop the pain for a person you love dearly. Kind of like a cancer patient who refuses treatment, even if it was a guaranteed life saving treatment, you cannot make them, they have to want to.

Please, please, please get yourself into therapy, there is hope for you regardless of whether your partner chooses to get help or not, dont let him drag you down with him. The other thing I will say is that once I got some therapy I started to change, when you change, everybody around you is forced to change, they have no choice, if you dont tolerate unhealthy behaviour from others, they have two choices, stop the behaviour or leave......that is their choice not yours but you will be all the healthier and happier for it. My partner chose therapy this time, how serious he is about it remains to be seen. By the way i wish sometimes i could take my own rational advice, easier to give than follow.

Be kind and compassionate to you ok.

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#402484 - 07/03/12 02:18 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Kazbob12 Offline


Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 42
Thank you colours,

You have inadvertently reminded me of why I am currently going through the things I am with my partner... He goes through the leaving and returning phase alot.. and is currently doing this now. He has effectively cut communication with me completely. I'm in limbo!

He left by telling me he loved me... however it was not fair what he was doing and needed to get himself through these next couple of weeks and get the help he needs. (his perp is released on 13 July). This has left me very confused. I don't know whether I do the right thing by sending him a text message on a morning, just brief to say good morning and have a good day.....or whether I am now doing the right thing and not contacting him at all.

I am scared that he is getting close to his ex girlfriend, who he had 14yr with, and ended due to her infidelity... however she treat him how he expected to be treat.

Do I carry on not contacting him... Do I send him a text message now and then.. he had said he would call me on 2 occasions however this has not happened.

I tell him I love him and remind him he IS worthy of love and being loved. Treat with the respect and dignity he deserves.

I'm so lost at the moment.

Karen

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#402491 - 07/03/12 03:55 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
I am 40 and I see myself all over these message board posts. Leaving, hiding, drinking to oblivion, unhealthy urges the whole boat load. All fueled by an unabiding, lifelong self-loathing and the need to feel better by getting high and getting numb.

My wife has been there to literally bail me out. She reminds me and reminds me again that I am not an awful person that I am worthy of love. It didn't change my mind about myself (I just thought she must be mistaken) but it kept me around so I was less likely to go on a bender. The only thing she has done to help me get better is to set up barriers and remind me what a normal relationship is like.

Getting arrested will not be tolerated. Disappearing on benders will not be tolerated. Affairs will not be tolerated. Self-destructive behavior will not be tolerated anymore.

She's been there for me and I truly love her so I went into therapy even though I hate shrinks in order to build a normal relationship. The support from other survivors helps a ton, too.
But for me it started with my wife declaring that my hurtful behavior toward her was unacceptable. Yes I was abused. But I have to own my recovery and disown the harmful behaviors that flow from that abuse. Normal people in loving relationships do no act like enemies and every partner deserves respect.

-Scott

Did I say remind? I never had a healthy relationship in my life. Not in my family, not with romantic partners plus all my friends are just drinking buddies and users. She had to teach me what a normal relationship might be like. I'm learning. I guess husbands and wives have sex with each other?


Edited by scottyg (07/03/12 04:03 PM)
Edit Reason: P.S.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#402918 - 07/08/12 08:42 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
So far, I'm finding comfort and relief here on these boards. Exhausting??? Hell yes! But I finally get to see and have conversations with people that I've longed to have with my partner. Cheating? Hell no.

I've never been one to have emotionally intimate conversations to much of an extent myself. I thought I was, but it was just repeating the pattern of game playing I learned growing up.

Being here is a safe, intimate blanket for me to wrap myself in without fearing the worst. The worst being my abandonment fears. My guy goes AWOL, and i had little idea why it tore me to the core. Abandonment, my codependent need to fix him and avoid me, and not knowing it was my right to take care of me.

I'm honored to have found this space and greatful to everyone for sharing and allowing me to share as well.

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#402978 - 07/09/12 05:06 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
Hi Scott,

I sincerely thank you for your reply. It's good to hear things from the perspective of a male survivor.

I just wanted your opinion on something, if you’d be so kind…. (anyone else’s welcome too):

My “ex” has emailed me from Paris (where he is currently with mates), one of the things I wrote in my reply was: “just trying to focus on the things that I actually do have control over (i.e. my life)”. Do you think I should have told him this? Would he somehow misconstrue it to mean that in the past I was trying to control him and now I am not? Because I have read that survivors always feel as though their partners are trying to control them, and they need to feel like they have all the control (which is understandable given they were helpless when the CSA occurred).

He also writes things in his emails such as “we'll have to come back to this place together another time” and puts in winks etc. And it’s almost as if he doesn’t register that he ended things with me and left for a party trip with his mates. Does this make sense at all? Do survivors often act really irrationally? And did you always want to keep things on a really superficial ‘happy-go-lucky’ level, like nothing is even going on (i.e. abuse never happened, AWOL disappearances never happen etc)

Hope you can give me some clarity on these things I am clearly struggling with.

In the meantime, I have implemented everyone’s advice and am focusing on myself, including starting a new job and a new fitness regime and catching up with old friends. However, it can be very difficult when I get these confusing emails that just keep me hanging on…..

Cheers

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#403016 - 07/09/12 11:56 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Seriously? Are you dating my guy? If I didn't see him today, I'd swear you were. wink

Confusing is an understatement for me. My guy is NOT directly addressing his issues, so this gets tricky.

I asked him just yesterday if he loves me. If he meant to commit to me. If he is serious about working through things. I even said ill be asking very regularly because im not good at interpreting his actions. He said ok. It worked for me at that moment. Good news for him is we'll be a bit stronger when he does address things. Bad news, I don't have that crystal ball. :-/

First suggestion - Keep doing what you're doing. Build your support system and happiness (I'm jealous, btw! ;)) Good days, he'll be able to be a part of it. Bad days, you'll have support yourself. To vent, cry, relax, play... smile

Second, I get those messages from my guy, too. Not so much here now during our seperation, but tons before. "I'm doing this for you!" What?! That's not (what I thought) I asked for. "This is what we wanted." Really? I never imagined it could be achieved by going along that way. :-/

I have resorted to direct questions of understanding. "you say x. I anticipate y to be done to achieve x. We think differently. Can u help me understand where u r coming from?" And then the HARDEST part - shutting up and listening. I cannot do this if I'm not in a place to listen and fully accept the answer that comes. We all want to feel safe. Like love, if I give it, one day, I might get it. Stupidly optimistic? Maybe, but it's where I'm at right now.

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#404997 - 07/27/12 10:44 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Steve0123 Offline


Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
I'm not in a relationship but reading your posts I sympathize with all of you and realize that people who have suffered severe traumas can be unintentionally very selfish....they focus so much on themselves that they can be neglectful of everyone else around them....


...maybe a method of healing would be to focus on the needs of others, at least it would take some of us out of our own heads, change our reality a bit

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#405248 - 07/29/12 10:02 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
I'm not in a relationship but reading your posts I sympathize with all of you and realize that people who have suffered severe traumas can be unintentionally very selfish....they focus so much on themselves that they can be neglectful of everyone else around them....


...maybe a method of healing would be to focus on the needs of others, at least it would take some of us out of our own heads, change our reality a bit


Wow! Applause! Standing Ovation! Bravo! Please, write a book! I'll buy it! Hell, I'll buy copies for all of my fellow F&F wives to share with their survivors!

I <3 Steve!
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#405369 - 07/31/12 03:47 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I am a survivor and I had the issues you have stated as well. I think it may be common for a child abuse survivor to e able to take on many faces or roles depending on the situation. I would have instant mood swings and everything just at the drop of a hat. I would go from happy to rage in the blink of an eye. He needs to start seeing a therapist in my honest opinion. The drugs and drinking sure won't help. The pron either. Those are just temporary releases. Wish you and him the best.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#405393 - 07/31/12 01:02 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: herowannabe]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: herowannabe
Quote:
I'm not in a relationship but reading your posts I sympathize with all of you and realize that people who have suffered severe traumas can be unintentionally very selfish....they focus so much on themselves that they can be neglectful of everyone else around them....


...maybe a method of healing would be to focus on the needs of others, at least it would take some of us out of our own heads, change our reality a bit


Wow! Applause! Standing Ovation! Bravo! Please, write a book! I'll buy it! Hell, I'll buy copies for all of my fellow F&F wives to share with their survivors!

I <3 Steve!
herowannabe


At the risk of highjacking this thread, this topic is very interesting! I had to read it a couple times to make sure I knew what it was saying.

In my recovery, I realized that I would focus on other people in an effort to NOT look at my own issues. Combine that with not knowing how to take care of myself in many ways, it was a perfect match.

I see some of the same behavior in my partner. Could I be projecting? Has anyone else seen this?

At the same time, he can be one selfish guy. The self-care is inspiring, but the self-destructive care is hard to be near. The emotional distancing is horrible.

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#405415 - 07/31/12 04:19 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Anomalous Offline
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MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1347
Hi MKN10,

Much of what I am about to say will reiterate and reinforce what many others have said.

First of all, unless he has been diagnosed with DID, do not be quick to use that diagnosis to "explain" his behavior. It is very common for emotionally (and physically) abusive people to claim they do not remember. They believe if they can get their partner to believe they do not remember then they do not have to take responsibility for their behavior.

Look at his behavior from another perspective:

He goes out drinking and drugging. He is physically absent. When you say something to him he explodes. (Or he explodes and then starts the rest of the behaviors). He comes back, tells you "I don't remember," turns on the charm, and all is well ..... until the next time.

This is the cycle of emotional abuse and violence, plain and simple.

He is lying to you so he does not have to take responsibility for his behavior.

He is manipulating you because at the end of his bull****, he "makes nice" and all is happy again, for a little while. He smiles, turns on the charm and gives you hope that things will be better.

You are stuck in the cycle of abuse.

The way to get out of the cycle of abuse is to say you are no longer going to tolerate it.

If you want to be in a relationship with him, you must create boundaries. Make them clear to yourself and to him.

Decide what it is you will and you will not tolerate. Tell him which behaviors are acceptable and which are unacceptable. Make things crystal clear, with no ambiguity or shades of gray.

Make your bottom line firm. Tell him what the consequences are for violating the boundaries you are creating. Make sure your bottom line is something you will actually do. If you do not intend to hold true to your bottom line, he will know he can continue to manipulate you.

If you do not have a therapist I strongly suggest you get one.

If he is not in therapy you may consider making that one of the conditions upon which the relationship is contingent. Your choice, but something to consider.

Setting boundaries is not "controlling" him or treating him like he is a child. Setting boundaries is necessary to keep you safe. It lets him know what you will and will not tolerate. It also gives him a sense of security. If you did not love him you would not bother setting limits on his behavior. He now knows where the limits/ boundaries are. He no longer needs to test them. He will know if he tries to push beyond what you have set forth there are clear and unequivocal consequences.

He no longer has to ask himself "how far can I push before she tells me she doesn't love me?"

If he chooses to test your resolve, he will find himself alone.

Boundaries are not meant to harm or humiliate. They are for the protection of the individuals and of the relationship. It lets each person know where they stand and it clearly spells out what will happen if the limits are violated. It takes all ambiguity out of the situation.

"I didn't know what/ that would happen!!!!!" is something that can no longer be claimed.

Boundaries will also force him to take responsibility for his actions. He can no longer play the victim "I didn't know what would happen," or claim he didn't "remember" what he did. Every choice has a consequence, whether the consequence is a good result or a negative result. It is his choice which results he wants.

The fact that he may have arrested emotional development as a consequence of the abuse is not an excuse to never grow up.

Sure, there are things that are more difficult for him, and one of the things which is very difficult is emotional regulation. He will learn, but not at your expense.

Since he has slept with others, please get yourself AND him tested (especially after this trip). You do not want any nasty surprises.

The drugs and drinking are his way of numbing himself from the thoughts, memories and feelings. They are his coping mechanisms. They are also part of his excuse for "not remembering," whether it is sleeping with others he claims to not remember, his emotionally abusive behavior or his being away without contact. He needs to develop healthy coping mechanisms.

Of course, you need to decide whether you want to be in a relationship with him at all.

You have periods of separation and he "calls you back for coffee" and acts like nothing has happened.

What he is doing is calling you to meet HIS needs.

He calls, you jump to answer the call.

You want to discuss what has happened since the last time you were together, he conveniently "forgets."

He is manipulating you. He knows you will always be there when he calls. He also knows he can do as he pleases, act as he pleases, and you will always be there.

You are NOT his or anyone else's doormat.

IF you want to be in a relationship with him, you are going to have to draw on every ounce of strength you possess to create and maintain the boundaries so that you and he can have a relationship worthy of the two of you.

If you feel this is too much effort, be honest with yourself and get out now.

NO ONE will think you have "failed," and neither should you.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who will also be putting forth the effort to make the relationship work while at the same time working to heal from his past.

Be gentle and kind to yourself.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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