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#402332 - 07/02/12 04:36 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
Hi colours,

Thank you kindly for your insightful response. You are very brave to be working on your issues, I hope you and your partner can pull through!

I just wanted to ask you, in your opinion, during times when you are the one testing your partner, do you ever ignore all of his contact and just go off on your own? And if so, do you want your partner to contact you or just give you space?

Also, do you have a lot of uncertainty about your partner?
And what made you take the first move to get yourself into therapy?

“If he is not prepared to help himself, get help, face probably the most unbearable feelings he will ever face and want to change there is not a damn thing you can do to help him. Dont abandon your road to happiness, sometimes as painful as it is you have to leave them behind.”
– I agree completely, and have tried and failed so many times to move on, whenever I get a bit further away, he pulls me back as he says he is afraid to lose me. I have a very soft heart, unfortunately.

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#402338 - 07/02/12 07:26 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI MKN 10

I generally respond to a post without reading the other responses so I don't change my mind and not say what I feel should be said. So if I repeat what has been said I apologize.

So:-
Firstly I am deeply sorry for what you are going through, I really as a survivor understand what you are going through because I did the same to my wife.
The Most important thing here is that YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT. You truly deserve to be treated with love kindness and respect.
Next is that you are not responsible for your partners problems, you did not abuse him and hurt him but you are being punished for it.
I know that it sounds harsh but he needs to WANT to heal himself. It is like trying to treat an alcoholic that does not want to stop drinking. The first step in an 12 step program is to admit that you are powerless over sex, alcohol, drugs etc. and that your life had become unmanageable.
The thing that your partner needs to understand is the effect that his abuse has had on his life.
The important thing here is boundaries. These Boundaries YOU need to establish. You know the old adage, draw a line in the sand, well this is it.
I am sure that many people have given you great advice, but you need to get into a program like Al-Anon or CODA. Even if the relationship is over, you need to heal too.

At the end of the day it is important that you look after yourself and that you don't have a codependent relationship. Having a relationship like this means that he will suck you back into his vortex of self destruction and pain through guilt and pity time and time again.
My favourite saying for the partners of Survivors is this.
Care about the things that you can control, i.e. yourself, and stop worrying about the things that you cannot control i.e. HIM.

Feel free to PM me at any time.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#402341 - 07/02/12 08:08 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
colours Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: mkn10
1.)I just wanted to ask you, in your opinion, during times when you are the one testing your partner, do you ever ignore all of his contact and just go off on your own? And if so, do you want your partner to contact you or just give you space?

2.)Also, do you have a lot of uncertainty about your partner?
3.)And what made you take the first move to get yourself into therapy?

&#147;
&#150;4.)I agree completely, and have tried and failed so many times to move on, whenever I get a bit further away, he pulls me back as he says he is afraid to lose me. I have a very soft heart, unfortunately.


1.) Its rare that i test him in that manner by literally pushing him away or out the door or just leave and not answer his calls, if i do, as much as i hate to see this side of myself, it is to see if he will call and how soon that will be. Its a test. Generally i test in other ways, if he loved me he would do ________ if he loved me he wouldnt_________ if he loved me he would say___________. An when the correct response, actions etc werent fulfilled as i beleived they should be id get hurt and generally very angry. The thing is in the past I havent realised that I was testing him. Him on the other hand does exhibit those behaviours on many occassions, generally for our relationship it has been because he cheated and cant face me, he is extremely immature when it comes to take responsibility for his actions and will RUN rather than FACE. This may not be the case for you relationship. While he was running he never wanted to talk to me I was just a reminder that what he was doing was wrong (cheating), if he did answer the phone he would be really angry at me and id be told all of the things that i do wrong. BLAME BLAME BLAME = unwillingness to take responsibility for your own actions. Generally when i would start to get on with my own life that is when he would come back. I am not saying in any way that this is what is happening in your relationship.

2.) I am hugely uncertain about my partner, how could i not be when he is so uncertain of himself. Maybe he sees me the same way i dont know

3.) What got me into therapy?? He agreed to marry and go through IVF with me. Things still were not right and i was miserable in our relationship, i could be sitting right next to him yet i still felt alone in our relationship. Let me make it clear at this point i had no idea that there was csa in my past, memories of that came later, after a bit of therapy, not that my psychologist has said anything about csa, they were memories that just kind of came back watching a video about csa. I think that is what the other CSA survivors refer to as triggered. Basically, I spent two days crying because i felt absolutely useless, worthless, and with no hope of it ever changing, i wanted to just die, not kill myself, i did get angry with myself because i didnt have the nerve to end my own life at the time, and i just couldnt take it anymore i wanted answers, i actually picked up a Dr Phil book and could not answer simple questions such as "when was the last time you were: excited, happy, motivated etc etc" I just had no answer so i went to therapy to help find the answers.


4.) FIRSTLY - You are allowing him to pull you back in, and it seems you are allowing him to do that without caring for yourself or your own emotional health when doing so. I could be wrong. You need to get therapy, to help you deal with and find out why you are allowing it. He cannot drag you kicking and screaming back into a relationship without your permission. You do need to set boundaries and conditions, have an idea for yourself on what is a deal breaker for this relationship, at least from this point on. i.e. if he quits therapy im gone, if he wont go to therapy im gone. You need to trust yourself that you will keep those boundaries, dont make rules that you know you will not abide by and certainly dont lay down the law to him if you dont intend on sticking to it, it just escalates the problems. Use that soft heart on yourself first, imagine for yourself that you are your sister, daughter, someone that is very special to you, would you think they deserve to be treated this way?? I can see your obviously a very compassionate person, unfortunately no amount of compassion will fix him if he isnt prepared to help himself, there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE THAT. It is hugely frustrating I know, it is a very hard thing to take that there is not a damn thing you can do to stop the pain for a person you love dearly. Kind of like a cancer patient who refuses treatment, even if it was a guaranteed life saving treatment, you cannot make them, they have to want to.

Please, please, please get yourself into therapy, there is hope for you regardless of whether your partner chooses to get help or not, dont let him drag you down with him. The other thing I will say is that once I got some therapy I started to change, when you change, everybody around you is forced to change, they have no choice, if you dont tolerate unhealthy behaviour from others, they have two choices, stop the behaviour or leave......that is their choice not yours but you will be all the healthier and happier for it. My partner chose therapy this time, how serious he is about it remains to be seen. By the way i wish sometimes i could take my own rational advice, easier to give than follow.

Be kind and compassionate to you ok.

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#402484 - 07/03/12 02:18 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Kazbob12 Offline


Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 42
Thank you colours,

You have inadvertently reminded me of why I am currently going through the things I am with my partner... He goes through the leaving and returning phase alot.. and is currently doing this now. He has effectively cut communication with me completely. I'm in limbo!

He left by telling me he loved me... however it was not fair what he was doing and needed to get himself through these next couple of weeks and get the help he needs. (his perp is released on 13 July). This has left me very confused. I don't know whether I do the right thing by sending him a text message on a morning, just brief to say good morning and have a good day.....or whether I am now doing the right thing and not contacting him at all.

I am scared that he is getting close to his ex girlfriend, who he had 14yr with, and ended due to her infidelity... however she treat him how he expected to be treat.

Do I carry on not contacting him... Do I send him a text message now and then.. he had said he would call me on 2 occasions however this has not happened.

I tell him I love him and remind him he IS worthy of love and being loved. Treat with the respect and dignity he deserves.

I'm so lost at the moment.

Karen

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#402491 - 07/03/12 03:55 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
I am 40 and I see myself all over these message board posts. Leaving, hiding, drinking to oblivion, unhealthy urges the whole boat load. All fueled by an unabiding, lifelong self-loathing and the need to feel better by getting high and getting numb.

My wife has been there to literally bail me out. She reminds me and reminds me again that I am not an awful person that I am worthy of love. It didn't change my mind about myself (I just thought she must be mistaken) but it kept me around so I was less likely to go on a bender. The only thing she has done to help me get better is to set up barriers and remind me what a normal relationship is like.

Getting arrested will not be tolerated. Disappearing on benders will not be tolerated. Affairs will not be tolerated. Self-destructive behavior will not be tolerated anymore.

She's been there for me and I truly love her so I went into therapy even though I hate shrinks in order to build a normal relationship. The support from other survivors helps a ton, too.
But for me it started with my wife declaring that my hurtful behavior toward her was unacceptable. Yes I was abused. But I have to own my recovery and disown the harmful behaviors that flow from that abuse. Normal people in loving relationships do no act like enemies and every partner deserves respect.

-Scott

Did I say remind? I never had a healthy relationship in my life. Not in my family, not with romantic partners plus all my friends are just drinking buddies and users. She had to teach me what a normal relationship might be like. I'm learning. I guess husbands and wives have sex with each other?


Edited by scottyg (07/03/12 04:03 PM)
Edit Reason: P.S.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#402918 - 07/08/12 08:42 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
So far, I'm finding comfort and relief here on these boards. Exhausting??? Hell yes! But I finally get to see and have conversations with people that I've longed to have with my partner. Cheating? Hell no.

I've never been one to have emotionally intimate conversations to much of an extent myself. I thought I was, but it was just repeating the pattern of game playing I learned growing up.

Being here is a safe, intimate blanket for me to wrap myself in without fearing the worst. The worst being my abandonment fears. My guy goes AWOL, and i had little idea why it tore me to the core. Abandonment, my codependent need to fix him and avoid me, and not knowing it was my right to take care of me.

I'm honored to have found this space and greatful to everyone for sharing and allowing me to share as well.

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#402978 - 07/09/12 05:06 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
Hi Scott,

I sincerely thank you for your reply. It's good to hear things from the perspective of a male survivor.

I just wanted your opinion on something, if you’d be so kind…. (anyone else’s welcome too):

My “ex” has emailed me from Paris (where he is currently with mates), one of the things I wrote in my reply was: “just trying to focus on the things that I actually do have control over (i.e. my life)”. Do you think I should have told him this? Would he somehow misconstrue it to mean that in the past I was trying to control him and now I am not? Because I have read that survivors always feel as though their partners are trying to control them, and they need to feel like they have all the control (which is understandable given they were helpless when the CSA occurred).

He also writes things in his emails such as “we'll have to come back to this place together another time” and puts in winks etc. And it’s almost as if he doesn’t register that he ended things with me and left for a party trip with his mates. Does this make sense at all? Do survivors often act really irrationally? And did you always want to keep things on a really superficial ‘happy-go-lucky’ level, like nothing is even going on (i.e. abuse never happened, AWOL disappearances never happen etc)

Hope you can give me some clarity on these things I am clearly struggling with.

In the meantime, I have implemented everyone’s advice and am focusing on myself, including starting a new job and a new fitness regime and catching up with old friends. However, it can be very difficult when I get these confusing emails that just keep me hanging on…..

Cheers

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#403016 - 07/09/12 11:56 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Seriously? Are you dating my guy? If I didn't see him today, I'd swear you were. wink

Confusing is an understatement for me. My guy is NOT directly addressing his issues, so this gets tricky.

I asked him just yesterday if he loves me. If he meant to commit to me. If he is serious about working through things. I even said ill be asking very regularly because im not good at interpreting his actions. He said ok. It worked for me at that moment. Good news for him is we'll be a bit stronger when he does address things. Bad news, I don't have that crystal ball. :-/

First suggestion - Keep doing what you're doing. Build your support system and happiness (I'm jealous, btw! ;)) Good days, he'll be able to be a part of it. Bad days, you'll have support yourself. To vent, cry, relax, play... smile

Second, I get those messages from my guy, too. Not so much here now during our seperation, but tons before. "I'm doing this for you!" What?! That's not (what I thought) I asked for. "This is what we wanted." Really? I never imagined it could be achieved by going along that way. :-/

I have resorted to direct questions of understanding. "you say x. I anticipate y to be done to achieve x. We think differently. Can u help me understand where u r coming from?" And then the HARDEST part - shutting up and listening. I cannot do this if I'm not in a place to listen and fully accept the answer that comes. We all want to feel safe. Like love, if I give it, one day, I might get it. Stupidly optimistic? Maybe, but it's where I'm at right now.

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#404997 - 07/27/12 10:44 AM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
Steve0123 Offline


Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
I'm not in a relationship but reading your posts I sympathize with all of you and realize that people who have suffered severe traumas can be unintentionally very selfish....they focus so much on themselves that they can be neglectful of everyone else around them....


...maybe a method of healing would be to focus on the needs of others, at least it would take some of us out of our own heads, change our reality a bit

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#405248 - 07/29/12 10:02 PM Re: Emotionally exhausted [Re: mkn10]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
I'm not in a relationship but reading your posts I sympathize with all of you and realize that people who have suffered severe traumas can be unintentionally very selfish....they focus so much on themselves that they can be neglectful of everyone else around them....


...maybe a method of healing would be to focus on the needs of others, at least it would take some of us out of our own heads, change our reality a bit


Wow! Applause! Standing Ovation! Bravo! Please, write a book! I'll buy it! Hell, I'll buy copies for all of my fellow F&F wives to share with their survivors!

I <3 Steve!
herowannabe
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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