My ex-boyfriend revealed to me this Jan that he was raped by his older brother at around 8 years old. He only told me this while really drunk and/or high, and followed it with the comment, “Are you happy now that you know.” I am the only person that he has ever told.

For the first year of our relationship things were remarkable, I was the only person he was able to be intimate with (but I did not know at the time that it was due to CSA). But soon things went downhill, around the time we moved in together and back to the town where his brother lives he began to withdraw. Then the AWOL weekends started, where he never contacted me and got wasted to the point where he’d come home vomiting.

Once I found out about the CSA, it all made sense. But a couple of months later he told me also that he had been secretly doing drugs (something he knows I am against) for about 8 months or so, and the very bad ones at that. I felt that I could not do it anymore; he would not let me in and just kept vanishing.

So I thought if I left it might wake him up to realise he needs help. This worked in reverse, he only did even more drugs/partying and attempted suicide. I am so sorry for this. We reconciled and I vowed to stick by him, we said we would never leave each other again, and he said with me by his side he could get better.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, more secrets kept unfolding, e.g. for the brief 2 weeks we weren’t together he slept with someone else but says he “cannot remember” the event at all. I chose to let this go, and totally forgave him. But then he kept on vanishing, particularly on weekends, and still going out with mates all the time and getting wasted.

Finally, we had a heated argument and he told me to “never come back”. So I thought this was the end. To my utter shock I got a text a few days later asking if I would like to go for coffee with him. And this has been a bit of a pattern since, he will never say anything about the fights or the pain he is feeling, and never even acknowledge what has happened between us, but almost pretends everything is sweet and wipes the slate clean each time we catch up.

It is very confusing, does anyone have a similar experience? Could he be suffering from multiple personality disorder?

He has now left for a party trip around Europe with his mates for 7 weeks. He is sure to drink heavily and get wasted to the point of oblivion on this trip and I am so worried. We are not technically “together” due to his wishes, but that does not change the fact that I want to be there for him and support him. I really do love him unconditionally, but I’m unsure what to do??

He has never been in therapy for the CSA, and does not express any intention to start.

Every day I cry a river about this and I research the net until I am utterly exhausted. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Very Painful!

Hi mkn10,

If you have seen any of my posts you will realise that I also am going through the exact same situation and issues as yourself with my partner.

He has currently gone back to his mams due to AWOl episodes where I cant contact him, saying he will only be a couple of hours then staying out all night etc etc.. I must admit it has got better as he will now (eventually) communicate with me.. where as before he calls and text messages would be ignored and I would be left wondering where he was, what was happening for several days....weeks on some occasions.

It comes down to boundaries somewhat.... there has been much advice given to me on this site in relation to this which makes sense.. he has never known boundaries.. all these were broken and meaningless from the abuse... therefore need to be reinstated.

I started by talking to my partner and explaining how I felt and what the actions portrayed...disrespect, worthlessness etc and how I understood he needed time away in order to deal with the things going round in his head...This is the reason for the alcohol and substance misuse by the way....coping mechanisms to block out memories, flashbacks, feelings! A way to escape from it all...however it is also destrucfull and a form of self harm!

My partner told me before we got re-involved.. we were in a relationship at school.. and I took this on knowing there would be issues but not realising what...

The hurtful words and behaviour are also a way of pushing you away...even tho he probably does not want to do this... it is a way of testing boundaries, seeing how far he can push... and most of all whether you are completely committed to him or whether your going to discard him, therefore he tests you! Not nice but to be fair this is all down to the feelings which have been instilled in him with the abuse

My partner has managed to attend 3 sessions of counselling..they cancelled a session and that was that... he made the effort to contact them..which took a year! and then they let him down. So he has not been back!

Its a long hard road..however you mustn't forget the pain, suffering and turmoil your partner is going through as well. Its hard for a reason! I have also cried a river and it is no easy road!

All I can advise is you need to be completely open with him, communicate your feelings,and figure out what your expectations are of him and what your willing to accept....

Stay strong
Karen x

Hi,
If he doesn't have MPD or DID, he sounds very close to it.

Basically, in this situation, a man while in one mood hates you, in the other mood he loves you. The two moods do not have the same taste in women. One mood will totally ignore what the other mood has done, because guess what? He didn't do it!

Anyway, if that's not what's going on, he for sure wants to act on his impulses (I have never liked the term "acting out," because to me, what these men want to do is a perfectly understandable reaction to what they've suffered. I mean, if you're cut, you bleed, right?), and do his own thing and to heck with your hopes and expectations.

Personally, I'd leave him. If he ever decided to get serious about straightening up, then I'd do EXACTLY HALF as much as he did for you, and not one single bit more.

D.
Dealing with a multiple friend for going on 4 years.

I lived that same scenario (minus the drugs). His personality would "split" ... read about splitting - also read "I hate you don't leave me." It will give you a better understanding of him. It isn't easy. That is such a deep horrible seed that was never taken care of.

He turned to internet porn, and cheated on me. He got counseling, which for awhile made things worse. He continued to cheat and acted irrational. He changed the locks on the house and wouldn't let me get my things. A week later he was engaged. I was crushed.

I eventually got back with him - only to have him split again and again. We attended therapy together and alone. Then he'd withdraw emotionally. One day I was served a restraining order only to find out he was attending therapy with "HER" as well, and she managed to get him to marry her. I was DEVASTATED. I loved him and nurtured him with all my heart. I was there when no one else was. He was who I wanted to love and care for - for the rest of my life. I knew when he was splitting his behaviors went to an obnoxious child like and irrational behavior. He was very embarrassed by it. He chose someone who also had issues and a history of abuse. She made him feel "strong".

I want to give you hope knowing how much the therapy helped. The challenge is the hidden triggers and personalities that pop up. You are the strong person, the person whom they turn to and depend on, but you are and will be a life time TARGET. I miss him, I still will always love him, but he made a choice. It will be something he regrets as he did before, but he is too proud to admit it. His patterns are very in tune to past relationships.

I am not saying walk away or leave him. Get YOU in a good position emotionally. It is the only way to protect YOURSELF. My therapist warned me what could happen, and that many survivors never really recover.

Ask yourself how long you can live the way you are living? Should you and could you do this forever? It is emotionally draining. For me it was 2 1/2 years of HELL. It has only been 7 months, I ache for what I had, I ache for what we lost. I hurt horribly for how he did this to me again and again. I am struggling to regain my own self image and self worth. I want him to be happy and to be well, but not HER. I hate the miserable bastard of a grandfather for abusing all five of his grandchildren. I can't understand how none of their parents knew; especially knowing that his father had probably been abused as a child as well. It is a vicious cycle. The victim extends beyond him, it extends to you being a victim of the circumstances and of the ghosts of his past. To think one person could ruin so many lives...

It may seem horrible right now at thought of walking away, but don't YOU become more of a victim. YOU can not save him. He has to help himself and it is HARD work. Most people give up and just revert to these behaviors. Should have, could have and would have are not what you want to remember all this by, because it is nothing you can control. Walking away would have been self-preservation for me. I lost 5 years of my life and nearly lost myself. Still struggle, but there is some bigger and better plan out there somewhere for me.

I wish you all the best and hope you find a therapist to help YOU!!

Read below ...

One thing I should change, because it's not accurate. When I wrote that one mood will love you and the other hate you, what is really true, is the public mood will love you, the girl he claims to the world, and the private mood might like you too, but be afraid to let you know he even exists, because you'll reject him or harm him.

This private mood will have urges you don't approve of, and he'll seek out someone to fulfill the urges. He won't love that person either. He'll see that person as someone he loves to HATE. Because that person does the "bad" things his urges cause him to want.

And the person that loves having someone to hate, doesn't want a "relationship" with that hated person. He is simply using that person to fulfill his urges. If he didn't have to know her name, so much the better.

Somewhat complex. It's a maze.

I am so grateful for all your responses, it’s nice to know that good people still exist in this cruel world. At 25 years of age, I feel like I have almost given up on humanity. FishmanofRI what you said is so true about the victim extending beyond him. I, too, now have so much internal anger for the perpetrator and think how could the parents not have known. But my guess is that they do know, have always known but are the type of emotionally void people who simply don’t know how to do anything. I so wish there was someone else to help him but me.

Thank you Kazbob12 for your advice about boundaries, it is very helpful and you are very strong - “you mustn't forget the pain, suffering and turmoil your partner is going through as well” – you are obviously a very good person.
The thing is, I am so confused that one minute I am so committed to stay and be there for him despite the way he treats me, and then the next I get so scared that things will never improve and that I am wishing my life away. I am afraid because having children is a dream of mine, but HE is certainly not fit to be a parent, and may not ever be :’o(.

Disappointed, your advice on MPD and DID scares me so much. I hope this is not what is going on, I have read a bit about them today, and he doeasn’t act like someone with totally different characteristics (ie age, gender) and he does remember the events that happen when he is his “other” self, but I think it is more that he is emotionally incapable of dealing with them. I think his emotional maturity stopped at age 8 when the CSA took place. It is more like he has the self that everyone knows, that outgoing, fun, carefree, happy guy. Then he has another side which only I (and perhaps his family know), which is sad, angry and confused.

He told me that some days he knows all the answers and is sure about me, but then the uncertainty always seeps back in, and then he wants to be alone or with mates. I asked if it is because of anything that I do that makes him uncertain, and he said it is “just his own insecurities”.

The thing is, he usually only contacts me once a week (now that he is overseas, he has sent me one email in one week). So it seems to me that one day per week to be certain about me is very little, and the uncertainty is dominant.

I definitely think it is a maze, and I'm still not sure what path I'll take.

FYI: My friend remembers everything, no matter who's in the driver's seat.

My thoughts differ to that of Disappointed, (no disrespect intended)I think the diagnosis of MPD or DID should be left to a specialist professional, or perhaps you could see one yourself and describe these behaviours you are concerned about in your partner. Speaking from experience with my own unhealthy behaviours that seem similar to your partners ( and also my partners, funny how you recognise their behaviour and not your own first, talking about me not you), I agree very much with

This describes it to a "T", its not about you, the hurtful words etc, its about us, we do it because we think you will leave because we arent good enough, sort of like a "push me - pull you" we dont want you to go but we test you to see if you will, with my partner also a csa victim, in our relationship one of us is always leaving, the other is chasing, testing, testing, testing. Its not about your worth, its about ours, we dont think much of ourselves at all in terms of worth, so how could YOU possibly LOVE US?? Its hard to beleive someone else could love us if we feel that we are unlovable inside.

The way we go about this testing is unacceptable, it is abusive to you and your relationship and is self sabotaging, however in saying that i was not even aware of these behaviours until i started therapy, so i seriously doubt your partner knows that he is even doing it.

When i was testing, in my mind (and often out loud)i was always saying things like "If you loved me you would....." If you loved me you wouldnt....... "If you loved me properly" " You dont love me enough, im not right for you" My exhusbdand, when i left him almost 10 years ago after only being married a few months, said "No-one will ever love you enough" he was right i was a bottomless pit. I'm glad i left, for him, had i not of left i think i would have sucked him dry of himself, completelty eroded his self worth by blaming him for everything, for not loving me enough, for testing, testing, testing.

Im in therapy im still working on these issues, i recognise them and im working on changing them, it is challenging and confusing. What i will say is this, if he is not prepared to help himself, get help, face probably the most unbearable feelings he will ever face and want to change there is not a damn thing you can do to help him. Dont abandon your road to happiness, sometimes as painful as it is you have to leave them behind.