I often wonder about what I suppose are the more karmic results of our experience as victims and survivors of abuse. The older I get, the more I realize that the damaging and even tragic experiences of life contain the seeds of greater renewal. You see that in nature all the time - entire ecosystems get knocked down by nature itself only to regrow and thrive again - as if the battering experiences of life were an essential component to life's endurance. I see it in the soldiers who return from Afghanistan - without limbs, severely brain-damaged, some unrecognizable by their own families - fragmented shells of the fresh-faced soldiers they were when they left home - who chose to pick themselves up rather than wallow in defeat, and in the process inspire others to do the same. Would you trade your challenges with theirs? I once heard an expert say that despite the problems we may be saddled with, we'd never trade them for someone else's problems. I still am not sure I agree, but I've also heard that God - however you interpret Him/Her - gives us no more than we can handle. Hmmmm....

I am certain you can all list at least three negative consequences of our experience. Can you also dig deep and list three positive ones?

.:.:.:.:.:.:.Minus column.:.:.:.:.:.:.

1) The shame I felt kept me from developing the close bonds to others - including my dad who never knew what was happening to me

My self-imposed isolation lead to nothing but regrets and lost relationships. My father (not a perp - just a dad) died without knowing who I was, without knowing what was happening to me, without having an opportunity to save me from the guy next door. If he knew, I'm sure he would have been my hero with that, as he was with everything else.

2) I got good at keeping secrets

Very good. Too good. No one knew me. I emitted vibes that ensured nobody wanted to know me. For a long time I walked around as a loner with this invisible force-field around me that I thought no one could see, wondering why no one liked me. Wondering indeed...

3) I may have become "gay"

...because that was my "normal" from age 12 all through my teens. Every time I dated a girl, I "felt" like an abuser (my molester abused far more girls than boys). I eventually just embraced my victimhood as if the only choices in life were to be either a victim or an abuser.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.Plus column.:.:.:.:.:.:.

1) My therapy was a remarkable journey of self-discovery

I never would have been on that journey and discovered the depths of my soul and character if I didn't experience the challenges that brought me to that trail. I may well be a better person - at least to others - than I otherwise would have been. Could this be a wonderful poetic justice - a natural balance - that our ability to give to others is somehow inversely proportional to the depth of what was taken from us? I sometimes think we have riches within us - but they are only realized when we give them away to others. In so doing, I think we enrichen ourselves. If I look at this from a purely selfish perspective, much was taken. And just when I think there is nothing left - that my bones were picked clean - I see what I am giving to the world around me and realize that the math belies the myth.

2) I did not become HIM

The vampire thing - at least with me - IS a myth. If anything, it was the opposite. In my black and white world as a young teenage boy, there were only victims and abusers - like cops and robbers. I would have been a victim a hundred times if it meant I wouldn't be an abuser once. In fact, I'm sure it was at least a hundred times, so that adds a literal element to my assertion. For those who know my story, it was by being a victim I was able to spare some of those experiences for others. I may never have known what was happening to those girls if the same guy wasn't also doing it to me. There is some strength in victimhood, as paradoxical as that seems, especially when the victim is still committed to being good. I couldn't choose to escape my victimization. But I could still choose to be as good as I knew how to be.

3) I may have become "gay"

Yeah - I also listed that as a negative. But I have embraced my sexual identity instead of fighting it. I ultimately did it because I no longer wanted to keep secrets and live in shame - and my sexual identity was all part of it. Once I emerged from those self-imposed shadows, I have built friendships and discovered love like I have never experienced before. Did my molester make me gay? I don't know. I suspect I'll never know. Frankly, at this point, I don't care. Being gay is perhaps how I adapted to his abuse. Doesn't that say more about the beauty of my response - that I can still flower and not wither as a weed - like him? That I can be capable of giving instead of taking? That I can be capable of sharing love instead of taking it? It took me a long time to realize this, but what was far worse than him "making me" gay was him making me keep secrets. That's really where the damage was done all along. As the taboos of sexual identity fall away, we see them as the mere social distractions than issues of any true consequence.

I had one more "plus" - and that is finding MaleSurvivor.org and making friends here - with all of you. I found my voice here. I learned I can tell others and feel safe because I know you are here to support me - I have this army of YOU behind me, as I am here for each of you. The isolating experience of shame and secrecy that I maintained to a HUGE fault from childhood all through early adulthood is gone now. We are so fortunate to have these resources. Can you imagine dealing with this stuff just ten, twenty, or thirty years ago? Nobody talked about it. There weren't male rape workshops or groups. If there were, you'd hide in the bushes to get there so no one would know your shame. There was no internet. And same sex issues further confused the crimes in a heavy layer of taboo. I just count the blessings.

Great post, Eric!

Very good idea – to put it in the corniest vernacular – to “take lemons and make lemonade.”

Suggests that there may be some sort of poetic justice in the universe – that even the worst events and circumstances can produce some mitigating compensations. At one time, the very suggestion would have filled me with – not rage – but depression – to think that anything good could result from my screwed-up past. BUT – I guess I’ve progressed or mellowed or something…

My T suggested something similar to me recently and I was amazed that i came up with a list of 9. I’ll follow your lead and list 3 bad and 3 good:

MINUS/BAD

1. I was always so fearful and paranoid of being hurt that I had few friendships and let few people get close to me. I was always lonely and isolated.

2. I had a terrible childhood and for years was terrified to have kids of our own for fear that I’d repeat the cycle – not the abuse part – but repeat other mistakes – the disconnection and inability to provide the emotional support and understanding that is necessary for kids to grow up healthy and well adjusted.

3. I became very introverted, introspective, and hyper-sensitive to any treatment from others that was less than neutral.


PLUS/GOOD

1. Because I was accustomed to going it alone, without the support of family or friends, I became more independent and much stronger within my own convictions and values. I had the courage to venture out in unexpected ways – travel to new places, change careers, live overseas, follow my own dreams and not be bound by others’ expectations of what society said I “should” do. I am pretty self-sufficient and not dependent upon others to be happy.

2. When we did have kids, I was so intent on not doing it wrong that I think I actually did a pretty good job – tried to put myself in their shoes and parent them as I wish I’d been parented. I took a lot of my cues from my wife who is a natural nurturer. I read lots of books and sought out advice and was very intentional about doing it right.

3. I became more empathetic and compassionate towards others who were going through difficulties or who had suffered trauma or abuse or depression. I could recognize symptoms and danger signals for at-risk kids in my classes and intervene to offer help, understanding, and see that they found qualified counseling.

Just a parting comment – each of my positive points is sort of an opposite or variation or outgrowth of the corresponding negatives. Kind of encouraging for me. I think it is evidence of steps in recovery…

Lee

Lee -

Thanks for an outstanding response! That is precisely what I was hoping to hear - something real, something positive, something hopeful. We can all use that - and we certainly all deserve that.

I have always appreciated your comments on this board by the way - the virtual trace of your posts often leaves a not-so-virtual smile on my face - a smile of acknowledgement and sync with what you say.

Hey, guys - yeah, that means ALL of you out there who are willing to put in a little work to help yourselves - try this exercise out - it really does help. i know that some may not be ready for it yet - i probly couldn't have done it 6 month ago - but i heard about it quite some time before i actually tried it. so it was simmering away on the back burner all that time - and when i actually go down to it - it all started bubbling up and came right out. and now i look at it and am encouraged and proud of myself - something i really needed. so i wanted to bump this up in case somebody missed it or didn't give it a second thought. it is worth the effort. do yourself a favor.

Good work, Jeff!

And thanks for the props, Eric!

i am privileged to have walked with you both on part of this journey.

Lee

Oh I really agree with the second good paragraph. I took so many bullets to protect other kids and had the same weirdly child-like morality of rather being the victim than the abuser.

I'd like to add to this an experience of the extreem good in people. I experienced real evil in the perps, but I also experienced victims desperately trying to help and protect each other in truly selfless ways. It wasn't just me, there were many "dirty little heroes", in my memories it seems like there were more of those who sacrificed anything to protect younger children, than of those who just protected themselves. These little heroes (including myself) did selfless and heroic acts that you would considder unbelievable if they were portrayed in a movie. Like noone would do that. Noone would take the bullet if the bullet was rape and sadism.

So I know by experience that the view of humans as profoundly selfish is wrong. Humans are surprisingly unselfish when it really comes to it. Even children chose to save others and keep their consciense intact when they can. I would never have known or believed this if I didn't experience it. In myself and others.

Here is some of my good and bad - many more bad than good.

Bad

1. I am over protective of kids, especially my younger cousins, so much so that it was not good for me or them especially as they are almost at the age my abuse started.

2. Not having the courage to ask my best friend right to this day for his Mom's help - I think I was afraid I'd literally have her husband end up in jail for the shit kicking he would have laid on my perps.

3. Not having any social skills. I was even afraid to talk to any female in particular until I knew them for a year or more. I think that led me to miss out on getting married, in particular to one girl.

Because she worked in the same place, we would always have a chat over coffee. Her actions and talk have now since made me wonder if we were unconsciously both afraid of marriage because of both of us were abused. And yess, even though that was about 30 years ago, I still feel for her.

I would dearly have loved to have children but because of my instinctive fear of abusing them was what caused me to have no social skills.

Good

1. I was considered an excellent instructor in the Navy. I was always given the difficult classes to teach because "I was the only one able to control them."

2. My crusty old sailor persona was never found out for about 40 years I was so good at acting the part.

3. I will go out of my way to help you once I am comortable that you are who you are. In fact, there was one family where their youngest boy wouldn't even go to the hospital ER unless I went with him when I was home.

I'm very very slowly making progress on these and other matters.