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#402127 - 06/29/12 07:50 AM Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL?
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
This is an offshoot idea from another post Can Others See Our Trauma?.

The idea of this topic is to understand how survivors communicate in real life(RL). I have shared my story with some and almost all of them have been abused sexually, and I am confident there are others out there whom have shared with you as well. Would you tell this community of your experience as you have shared, and others have shared with you?

My experience:

  • I was beginning recovery, researching with my wife using the book Working With Adult Incest Survivors, and she disclosed to me that she was sexually abused by her uncle. We had been married for over 20 years.
  • While staying at a married friend's house, I talked with the woman's father, and he shared that he was abused by his uncle.
  • The woman of the house in the story above was raped when she was a teenager.
  • In speaking about spiritual things, I disclosed to a man after about an hour and a half of good conversation. He immediately disclosed that he too had been abused.
  • I met with a survivor from MS in a restaurant and he and I talked about issues in recovery.
  • My best friend and the manager of the place I work disclosed that he was molested by an adult when he was about 8 or 9.
  • I have told all of these people I was abused.

I look forward to your shares,

Sam



Edited by sasuva (06/29/12 08:39 AM)
Edit Reason: added a share
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#402156 - 06/29/12 03:03 PM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
My abuse occurred by a stranger who stalked and abducted me while I was lost and alone. So right from the get go, my parents knew, the cops new, my teachers new etc.

My mom spent days even weeks on the phone telling the whole town, co-opting my pain and robbing me of the chance to comfortably disclose on my own. Oops.

I told my childhood best friend at some point long ago and he said I figured as much. Ouch.

I mentioned it to my mother-in-law because I knew she'd been severely physically abused by at least one husband and we didn't get along too good so I though maybe we'd sort of bond. She said absolutely nothing. Uh-Oh.

My wife knows and she's known for a long time since my fucked-up personality is a major unwanted commodity. She is supportive but even she has said one more arrest and she's gone. Oh God.

My childhood friend dropped in to see me in Seattle with all kinds of duty free booze from Canada and at about 3 am he told me he was made to suck is brother's dick by the brother. I was supportive but inside I was disappointed. Was everyone I knew as fucked up as me? How depressing. Oh No!

The thing is my "secret" was hiding in plain sight all my life. I got sexually molested. We called the cops. They never found him. Case closed. Move on. Why are you so angry all the time? Oh FUCK!
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#402180 - 06/29/12 10:13 PM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3391
Loc: somewhere in Africa
1. in my 30s, i told a trusted pastor friend who had disclosed his childhood abuse. he used my confidences against me. it was devastating and further damaged my ability and willingness to trust anyone.

2. about the same time, i told another friend who had also revealed his past abuse. he referred me to his therapist. that friendship ended when he left former life and all his previous friendships - including his wife and kids and church position - to live with his male lover.

3. i told the first T. it was a partially successful but professional relationship. it ended a year or so later when the T moved to another state.

4. i told my wife as much as i could at that time - but i hadn't allowed myself to remember everything and i couldn't go into the full story yet. she was devastated but supportive but didn't completely get it - as neither did i at that point.

5. told my younger brother and his wife - just the barest outline - no details - but they were supportive. he had been unaware. we only mentioned it at the one very low point in my life of severe depression. never brought up again.

6. several years later i told a couple who were trying to counsel my wife and me on marriage issues. they were open and accepting but i could tell they didn't really get it.

7. that couple referred another young man to me to share our stories - thinking we could relate as he had also been abused. we met once and it was sort of awkward. he was later arrested, convicted and imprisoned for prostitution.

long silence - never talking about it...

8. recently - last oct. started with another T and it has been very good.

9. last Dec. - told a close friend who lives far away - he was understanding and apparently had done some reading or for some reason had knowledge of the issues. that was helpful. haven't seen him since, but will raise the subject again the next time i see him.

10. i told a kid in one of my classes last year - who i was worried had been abused - that i had been abused (no details) and that if he wanted someone to talk to i was willing. he denied it and nothing else was said.

11. i came close to revealing to another guy who had started to develop a friendship - but he moved away before that level of trust was established.

i didn't realize until writing this that i had told so many people. most of my disclosures though have been in counseling settings - and those that were totally voluntary and on a friendship basis have been only about 50% what i would consider positive.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#402380 - 07/02/12 02:46 PM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Lee, this is a share that winds through the ages, and shows the lack of empathy and understanding from the general public. Did you ever imagine you would ever be as stable and as well accepted as you are here in our little corner of the world? Thank you for this share, Lee. It is a reminder that no matter how others helped, co-opted or controlled, in our sometimes blundering way, we have always tried to heal. We are survivors.

Another share?
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#402387 - 07/02/12 03:22 PM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3607
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Sam, this is very interesting thread. As I've been on vacancy at one island with very poor internet connection I wrote reply two days ago but somehow lost it in the middle, so I'll try one more time!
First time that I came to fact that I'm survivor was the day when I've found Male survivor's site (last October).
Afterwards I talked to couple of my friends in this order:
- Firstly I shared my story with my best girl friend. She was very supportive and even told me some her experience that is related to abuse. I didn't went into all details but I was more than graphic;
- Secondly I told other girl friend who has always been for some time in therapy because of her family background and we talked many times about her issues so it was natural for me to tell her;
- I talked with my twin brother, both of us have been touched by other older boys when we were 5 or 6 years old and we never spoke openly about it even we repeated some stuff.
- I shared my story with my niece. I know all her secrets and we regularly share intimate details and now it was my turn to relive some.
- I shared my story to two more girl friends and one male friend - I just needed to tell them, I feel close to them and I couldn't pretend that everything is as usual when we met.
- Additionally I asked my friend (who is psychologist) about support and recommendation for T and explained her why I need it by e-mail.
- I started going to therapy and I shared my story in greatest details with my T (she is very nice and supportive woman).
So many girls/women around me and just my bro and one friend from male side smile they all were very supportive even some of them don't know nothing broader about this problematic. Must say that I know those people very well, so I even expected some support from them.
There are some important people in my life who are not enough open minded and supportive in some other aspects so I decided that I will never tell them anything about my story.
Pero (aka Igor)
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#402406 - 07/02/12 07:42 PM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
A psychiatrist in the ward, two years ago... I think I never told him but he found out somehow... so we talked a little about it. then I left. he was great, but disclosing didn't feel good. I think I prefer not to talk about it in real life.. ¿what is real life?

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#402444 - 07/03/12 04:32 AM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1988
Loc: durham, north england
One thing that I would like to know is what counts as disclosure?

I've probably only shared the full gorey details with a couple of people, probably my two best friends. They were extremely supportive, but live a long way away, and I really told them just as a way of explaining why I was phoning them to cry over the phone.

I also told a couple of councelers in a very distant way, but this felt rather different to telling my friends, and more like a job to be done.

Other people know the vague truth. My parents guessed it when I was twenty, indeed my mum pretty much told me (she was the first person to use the word raped, after I had a panic attack about her coming into the bathroom while I had my shirt off). I've told a couple of people in this way, but only that I experienced sa at secondary school by multiple female perpetrators in acts of bullying gone too far, not actually reliving anything or going into details. They've generally been pretty supportive, indeed the last friend I told pretty much had worked it out from my behaviour or opinions.

This was also how I told ****, and she revealed to me she'd had a mail friend who was raped by an older woman in a car, which helped given where **** put me in terms of recovery.

A couple of other people I just have told that "I experienced abuse" usually when i feel it would help them. For instance one female friend was extremely bothered, and disclosed to me she'd been raped, so i shared my story with her. This has come up a couple of times with both male and ffemale friends, but I'm alwayts really careful of revealing too much when someone is obviously hurting, sinse I don't want to add to what is wrong with them, or still worse, sound as if I am trying to match it. usually I just let the other person talk and say "yes, I know, I had some stuff happen to me as well" and leave it at that.

This is again because people have often told me things in the past.

there is then a further level of disclosure I've used for informational purposes before. "I'm doing research" or "A friend told me" this is useful when discussing with people the fact that male sa can happen. I once met a taxi driver who volunteered at a rape crysis center. I obviously am not going to go into details with him, but I was interested to find out his thoughts and experiences related to male sa, so I used the "I did some research" to talk generally about the subject.

I have had a couple of those sorts of moments go wrong, in which people start on about how "men can't be abused" but I just distance myself and argue unimmotionally. I've even done the rather cliche'd "I had a friend who, -----" in order to talk about my own experiences when in those sorts of conversations.

I only once have disclosed and regretted it, and that was a complicated situation indeed, and mostly caused by me becoming angry at how a certain girl was making a drama out of nothing and being very helpless over site difficulties, not made easy by the fact that she was the first girl I ever fell in love with, long before my abuse at the age of nine, a fact that she'd utterly forgotten about, (yes, it happened).

That was over the phone, but I still regret disclosing in the way I did, even though i didn't say much beyond the fact that I was raped, and I will try never to do that again.

I also remember one occasion where my mum was convinced a certain female friend was interested in becoming closer to me. She shared a lot about herself, and while she wasn't abused she had had problems, which she'd got through. I considdered sharing my own experience, but didn't, though i wonder if that was a mistake, and had I explained to her if she'd have realized that my inability to pick up her interest (if said interest existed), wasn't my fault.

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#402447 - 07/03/12 08:01 AM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
I had shared my survivor status with a few select people before the Sandusky trial. Now I am starting to share it more freely as I was inspired by the DA's speech about taking this out of the shadows and making sure that society deals with the issue. I have even had dreams the past week about doing power point presentations to large Town Hall sessions here at work about sexual abuse of boys!
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Allan
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#402454 - 07/03/12 09:38 AM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
I was in treatment for a couple months when my counsellor asked me if I had told anybody about my abuse. When I said I wasn't prepared to tell anybody that I was abused yet she explained about how I needed at least a couple of people to be able to use as a "shoulder to cry on" on bad days.

After, I decided that I would tell 2 of my sisters that I was abused by our sperm provider by E-mail. I also told them not to call me for another day until after the supper news was over. The minute the news ended one of my sisters called and about 5 minutes later, the older sister called - thank god for 3-way phone calls.

Both of them said they weren't surprised about my disclosure. When I asked them why, the first one said she didn't know why but it was just a feeling that she had that something was wrong with me.

The other sister said that my "crusty old sailor" persona just wasn't my natural nature, not the loud-mouth and yeller person that I used almost all my life. That underneath it all I was a quiet easy going person.

I then learned that at least 3 of us were abused and 1 more was at a minimum was harassed.

I slowly realised that my disclosure wasn't going to have it come back in my face. I then gradually started telling other relatives. Two of my aunts who thought the world of my sperm provider. When I told them, I just let them vent about what I had just told them. Sperm Provider used to visit with her almost daily and she was extremely upset with him.

Because our "family" used to baby-sit her children regularly, I said it was OK for her to tell her kids if she wanted but if any of them were abused by him, if they said yes, I would appreciate her/him telling me so we could talk about it together.

As many of them now live away, it was most all by phone. Each one was absolutely adamant there was no abuse done to them thank god.

I also want to tell my longest and best friends (the only 2 I still have) about it but I'm not quite ready yet because I am still making excuses not to but it's getting harder and harder to make an excuse so I guess I'll be doing it before the month is out. Yes I trust both of them and their wives completely.


Edited by Sailor John (07/03/12 09:43 AM)
Edit Reason: change order of a sentence
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WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#402460 - 07/03/12 10:48 AM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
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Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 07:08 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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