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#401715 - 06/26/12 12:05 AM still shot flashback
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3379
Loc: somewhere in Africa
had a flashback at breakfast this morning. one moment i'm having a blueberry muffin and cup of coffee - and the next i'm 5 years old and all i can see is the step-father's hands. it was terribly vivid. but just that one visual image - like a still photo - no movement - thank God - no action or events or other senses involved. words kept going past me (my wife talking)and i could hardly understand what they meant. i went in the other room to try and pull myself together - i wrote it out - and then our daughter called and we had to give her our attention. after a while i couldn't do it anymore - it was all just background static and i kept getting more and more uptight. and i had to leave the room and just find a quiet place to breathe and calm down. so weird - not a full memory of any event - just that visual image - and yet so very triggering. i'll post what i wrote in the poetry forum...

i didn't know flashbacks were sometimes so selective and fragmentary - or hadn't experienced them that way before. still shaky 4 hours later.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#401727 - 06/26/12 02:24 AM Re: still shot flashback [Re: traveler]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
When I get flashbacks. I try and center my self by takeing a visual inventory of my suroundings. I know that this may sound silly but this works . Look around where you are and Id the things that are there . it helps to bring you back to what is going in . It takes practice bet with time it will help .
_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#401729 - 06/26/12 02:29 AM Re: still shot flashback [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3379
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i'll try that next time, Michael - but hope i don't have the chance.
thanks,
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#401741 - 06/26/12 03:34 AM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:52 PM)

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#401907 - 06/27/12 09:22 AM Re: still shot flashback [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3379
Loc: somewhere in Africa
so glad i had a session with my T scheduled for today after yesterday's flashback. i think the reason my reaction to it was so much worse than earlier memories - even much more graphic ones that included more "action" is that i'm more in touch with my feelings now - no longer denying or repressing. when it took me by surprise, i decided to just go with it and ride it out - like letting a wave carry you instead of trying to stand your ground and fight it. it took a while but eventually the reaction subsided. i wrote, i read, i came here, checked the forums and posted,and i kept at it most of the day. T says that if i'd done something more physically active - exercise or even a brisk walk the massive shot of adrenaline would have dissipated more quickly. OK - so now i know. but i am finding what works for me. and this time i did not shut down or try to escape.

why such a comparatively innocuous image caused such serious distress? it wouldn't have meant anything to anyone else - but it was super significant to me. it seems to be a symbol of the summation or totality of what he did - his weapon of choice - that represents everything that he did.

at first i felt like the flashback and my reaction was a giant step backwards - but T says it is actually progress. i was really hoping i was finished with this - hope i don't have to use what i've learned again. but i do feel a lot better today. sort of purged.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#401910 - 06/27/12 09:50 AM Re: still shot flashback [Re: traveler]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 598
Loc: VA
The "flashbulb" flashback sounds familiar. That's what just about all of mine have been: instantaneous and repetitive, but just a few different ones. Some are tactile, some are visual. If they didn't instantly merge into the disjointed, expurgated memory I carried for 35 years, I'm not sure I'd know what they were about.

I've found it impossible to stop them, so I just work on how I think about them.

Good luck, and peace eventually!

John

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#402075 - 06/28/12 05:26 PM Re: still shot flashback [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I can remember how brutal it was when I started to allow myself to feel my feelings and remember my memories. A lot of people talk about recovered memories, but I don't know anything about that. I always knew what had happened, I just packaged it all up and put it behind a curtain in the corner of my mind with no name. It was bizarre how real those memories were, though, after I just about wrecked my life and finally came clean to my wife about what had happened to me, and after I started to struggle forward toward a better place. I can remember stopping at a red light and being overcome with a vivid memory.... I never knew I could have such a vivid memory! It just left me gasping for air. Other times, things would flood back into my mind. At first, I thought it was a memory of me seeing someone else get messed with, and then I realized that it was actually me. Well, I'm glad to say it gets better. I don't hate that little boy who got victimized anymore. I'm sad for him, for myself. But I don't hate him for it. That's an important thing for me to write, and to say. I don't hate him for it. I hope you find a way toward peace. I like the idea of grounding yourself in the here-and-now. That's smart and practical advice. Good luck. All I know is to keep going to therapy. Keep pushing for the truth. For me, I need to get rid of the "narrative," because for me the "story" gets fake way too fast and instead of finding the roots of emotions, I quickly build another veneer to hide the real stuff. I guess I have a hard time pinning real emotion to real events. Anyway, I think I've begun to ramble. Thanks for sharing your memory of the flashback. Good luck, brother.

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#402110 - 06/28/12 11:44 PM Re: still shot flashback [Re: traveler]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 06:34 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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