Upgraded Carpet. Victim 4 had moved his bed against the wall and thrown out his carpet. His carpet was new the second week, I wanted to trade it and it was ok with him. He had thrown it somewhere and had to go and get it. I tried to get him to talk about the fight but he told me there had not been a fight and would not talk about it. I asked him why he had rolled up the tent and he said wanted it up in case someone came through… He gave me an audio tape – sir mix lot – he didn’t want it and it was a recording any.
After Victim 4 was kicked out but waiting to go home he would sleep during the day with the tent rolled back. It was on one of those days with the tent rolled back that we talked about several things. He found out my parents made the anonymous reports and I found out the results – nothing was done… He wouldn’t talk about the fight. And I learned that the only thing they did out on the boat when he was out with him was sun bathe. I believe this only because I saw the event were he caught face. It was one of these days with the flap folded up that we talked about the earlier written complaint and investigation.
( In foresight I see so much more here. I was naive. I think he thought I was protected because my parents were keeping a better eye. He was wrong. Not all this memory is here. It seems he tried to talk to me about the abuse but I didn’t get it, I didn’t realize what had happened. I had no idea what was already happening to me, or what had gone on that night. I don’t remember all that was said because I didn’t get it so it didn’t register to be remembered… there was more here but I missed it because I didn’t understand)
( I wonder if the carpet had anything to do with the escalation in frequency. It is possible that he figured I would not tell or made an easy target. It is also possible that he started at one end of the tent and worked his way to the other molesting different kids each week, blaming the assaults on scout masters and telling victims to keep quite. It is possible I simply became his new favorite after Victims 4and 7 left. I truly believe that I was selected as a favorite early on and once the others he favored more were gone that my turn came more often. Regardless of why the escalation in incidents, incidents of cold sleepless nights and my zipper being undone escalated after Victim 4 left camp, despite the fact that I was jamming my zipper.)
The Tear in my sole. We were over half way through the summer. A 7 year old girl ( Who’s Identity I know) had come to visit the camp that day, she was the younger sister of the college age girl who also worked there. I don’t know what I was dreaming about but can attest that it was not sexual. And then it became sexual. Even in my dreams this bothered me because of her age. This was a nightmare not a dream. And then the worse thing happened: I felt myself reaching climax. I remember this because It was so traumatic It awoke me. I was having my first panic induced heart attack, but I did not know what was happening. My pants where part way down and there was cum on my stomach. I had just cummed to the dream of an 7 year old girl. My chest was pounding and I wanted to die. I was having my frist panic induced heart attack.
I am now awake I am in a panic. The night was cold, my bag had become unzipped, my blanket had slid out as it had so many times before. I went to get out of bed to clean up the mess.. I tried to step out of bed but something squishy was next to the bed. I had already stepped on him, when I reached down with my hand and felt something squishy. It was a person, he jumped up and first tried to run out the tied door closest to me, he turned around and ran out the other door.
(He was laying right up next to the bed. He had pulled himself really close and was part way under the cot. I think he would do this so that I would not see him if I looked around, but he also needed to be next to me to molest me. There was a lot more delay this time (compaired to the next). I think he needed more time because he had finished me and was jacking off and needed to pull his pants up. But I was a naive Mormon boy so I didn’t realize this at the time. I was not aware of my previous molestation at 8, but certainly my previous molestation had something to do with why this was so traumatic.)
This was the first time I caught him. I didn’t even realize what had happened, little alone report it– I was too disturbed by the nightmare and fact that I had released to image of a 7 year old. In this moment so much damage was done. My interpretation / perception at the time was based on that of a 17 year old sheltered boy who had been taught the superstitions of the Mormon church. My perceptions was that I had seen a demon who knew what I was (A pedophile) and had came to still my sole. I cleaned up the mess, it wall over it didn’t stay in my underwear the way a normal wet deam did… The event was too traumatic to remember for long but the thought of being a pedophile remained and was the cause of depression and suicidal thoughts.
(This memory came back in 3 different flash backs. Each flash back triggered a new and recent heart attack. I have an enlarged heart so I know when I am having a heart attack. I stopped each of these panic induced heart attacks using a new technique I have called rapid exchange hyperventilation. It is a hyperventilation technique that I came up with after I stopped the previous heart attack by hyperventilating. No one seems to want to change medical practice; too much cost and liability to test something that they can’t charge for.)
The thief in the night. I awoke during an orgasm. I could fell cold air on my side and a hand was in my bag. My pants were part way pulled down. Someone had just jacked me off my cum was on me. I tried to grab his hand. As I grabbed his arm, my abuser realized I was awake. He jumped up and ran out the far door that we were required to leave untied, ( the perpetrator claimed this was so people could use the bathroom.) I could not identify him. I did however see his body build and type. I also knew that if reported it would be brought up to the whole camp and then I would also have the embarrassment of the whole camp knowing. Based on my survey of people at the camp - Most the scout masters were overweight. There were only two individuals who it could have been based on height and body build – The camp director or the Water front director.
Almost Telling. The Water front director banning Speedos the first week. If he was banning Speedos then he wasn’t the pedophile. I had decided to tell the water front director. The water front director was not there when I got to the water front area. As I was walking away I decided that I could not be sure and the it could still possibly be him. Banning Speedo’s is by no means a guarantee. The water front director was still one of the two people it could have been. If I told the person who was the pedophile would only get worse. ( If only I had through to tell a scoutmaster or realized that face was lying about the fight. Tell now, you won’t remember in the morning… No matter how I try and want to change what happened I can’t.)
Forgetting The Enormity of the Power he Held. ( You hear about how the how the position of scout master increases the impact of the abuse, multiply that by ten. You got to understand the position of power this man had in my life. He was my boss. My care taker. A scout leader in the highest position we had contact with. He wasn’t really my boss, we had a nature lead person. I don’t remember the nature lead person because face made my management his personal duty. And he was the only one with a phone on the whole camp so calling the police is out. My brother had driven this week so driving away was not an option. I find myself blaming myself at this point.
Add to this the fact that at this point I was also realizing that this had been happening all summer. This was like getting molested 20 times all at once. Add to this I already had been raped at age 8. The trama was too much - My brain did the same thing someone who gets in a bad car accident does to the traumatic accident – It blocked it out.
( I hate that I repressed this. I hate it so much since I paid for it so dearly - repression resulted in me returning to get molested more. I would return to finish the summer, my brother drove no more, so I basically drove to my own abuse because it was so traumatic that I couldn’t process it. It was so damaging it had the effect of suppressing the memory. I had so many physiological problems that began here. Side effects made me a life long victim. Mental illness has brought so many more damages on top of damages.)
Mental Abuse. I woke up cold and realized I had been abused again. After finally Crying to sleep at dawn - I was awakened to the call of the entire camp. They were trying to get me to come to morning flag - I had slept in. So had victim 2, we both refused. ( I wonder if he was sleeping in because he had missed out on the same sleep for the same reason.) I did not want to be at scout camp no more so I just stayed in bed. I was also tired from not getting much sleep, my bag kept coming undone, and I was sleeping cold..
( Face was always an asshole who other scouts have called various names. I saw him using the entire camp to humiliate me as him being the asshole he was. The knowledge that he was my abuser sheds new light – he abused me in bed, and then abused me and humiliated me to discredit me in case I told. He did this after he thought I had conscious knowledge of the abusers identity. He abuses me, then used his control to use the entire camp to use the camp to abuse me some more. My previous abuser used others to abuse me. I can’t tell how deep this pain goes, inability to be touched, the inability to trust… How deep the psychological mess is!)
( It wasn’t that he was just sexually abusing us, he was abusive in the way that he treated us. How could boy scouts of have allowed this openly verbally abusive individual to be any kind of leader in scouting? The sexual abuse was hidden but the mental/verbal abuse was in the open, in so far as it had been reported numerous times by many different people. And while the sexual abuse was hidden complaints of Youth Protection Violations and suspensions had been reported to council)
Getting thrown out… or trying at least. It’s hard to get kicked out when you abuser is protecting you because he believes you to know his identity. I stole a CD player from victim 2. I put it in the trunk of my car were it would be easy to find. I made it obvious that I had stolen it. When Victim 2 told face that he thought it was me, FACE simply did nothing. I didn’t realize it at the time but face was protecting me.
Since I was not getting caught I decided to confide in another scout. I expected that this scout, who was friends with Victim 2 would tell. He did not. I in the end gave the CD player back to Victim 2. He told FACE about it. FACE told victim 2 there was nothing he could do about it but not bring me back next year – Exactly what I wanted.
Damaged Heart. 08/27/93 It was a month after scout camp, and I was at a funeral for my friends sister. His father was a paramedic and a number of visitors were also paramedics. I began to have my second heart attack. I didn’t know what it was but my friend said I should show his dad. They immediately recognized that I had a heart rate too high to count and that I was having a heart attack, he had my mother rush me to a doctor. After a few moments in the office my heart returned to normal. An EKG showed some problems. A Echocardiogram of my heart showed a leaky valve and enlarged heart. Because of the valve it is ( Right/Aortic) there is nothing to do. I have reason to believe this was a result of my abuse at camp.
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.