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#402074 - 06/28/12 05:22 PM Confidence/self confidence/being manly
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
How do you build self confidence and have a confident manly personality? I'm a pretty shy and introverted person and I really don't become assertive until I've been pushed quite far or repeatedly. I don't know if this stems from the abuse or what. I'm just wondering how to fix this because it's causing problems with my relationships or attempts to form relationships. I appreciate any advice you guys have, thanks.

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#402079 - 06/28/12 06:19 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Chambers

I've seen this topic before, thing is that I have been so hurt by manly men that I don't really want to be one of them.
The goal in my mind is to just be happy with me. I would love to be a confident gentle soul as opposed to a man's man.

Heal well Brother
Martin
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#402112 - 06/29/12 01:32 AM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
This is a complex issue that, for me, has its roots in my sense of self-worth(which is historically pretty damn low). For instance, when I was low I allowed myself to fall victim to circumstances. Lame everyday shit like overdrafts at the bank or snotty co-workers getting under my skin. Shit like that. I did not express myself or use the good sense to act in my own best interest. People and circumstances would get the better of me. This of course fueled the anger issues I also have. But it starts with believing that I am worthy of love and respect. From there I learned that it's ok to have healthy relationships. But when I felt I wasn't being respected I had to learn to express that in an effective, neutral way. That takes practice and is not easy for me b/c I am super sarcastic and no one responds well to a smart ass.

BTWI have to agree with WHOME on being "manly". Asserting your needs has no gender association. It is a human need. What would you think of me I admitted that I don't work.I stay home and cook and clean and take care of the kids. What If I said I drive a 4X4 truck and cut trees with a chainsaw and drive a John Deer tractor? Well I do both.
_________________________
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Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
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#402163 - 06/29/12 05:13 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
This is a timely post, because I have very low self worth. I have spent much time and energy trying to be someone for everyone. But they never knew it. I struggle to call myself a man at all, because my perception tells me I am nothing like them. Only, my idea of them is severely distorted. I am not a manly man, not even close. But then again, neither is my father. And yet despite having an ideal role model, I am constantly seeking to fit it with the "boys". I have gone to great lengths to satisfy this need to fit in all at the expense of myself. I am just not sure how to begin accepting the person that I am. I guess it starts by writing it and saying it.
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#402240 - 06/30/12 06:02 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
I don't know if it's my sense of self worth or what, most of the time I don't care what people think, or at least that's what I tell myself. I don't think it's bad to be a sensitive guy or anything. Apparently that's exactly what I am, I never thought of myself that way though.

Recently I've kind of re-entered the world of being social, I'm not trying to be make friends, mostly looking for a relationship with a woman. It's pretty much just led to me feeling used and stepped on though.

Scotty I can relate to your sarcasm and dealing with people in ways that are apparently ineffective when I feel like they aren't treating me with respect. I also have anger issues as well.

Letourski I know how you feel about feeling like you're nothing like most guys. Every time I interact with another guy I feel no connection, just like I'm going through the motions. Maybe you're right about saying it, I accept who I am. I'm a loner and a sarcastic jerk on the outside but when it comes down to it I'm really a sensitive and caring person who just wants the world to accept me.

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#402257 - 06/30/12 11:31 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
RollerCoaster Offline


Registered: 10/23/11
Posts: 47
Loc: PA, USA
I have been dealing with the same issue for a long time. Recently I came accross a book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". The title is misleading and gives the impression that it is about "how to be a jerk". Far from it, this book is about regaining self-confidence and a way to take care of once needs. It is very well written. I am half way through this book and I can see my life changing in small but significant ways. I feel more powerful to speak and take care of my needs. If you put others needs before yourself , this book is for you. If you find it difficult to fulfill your needs, this book is for you.

I accidently discovered it and saw very good reviews on amazon and bought it. This is the second book I found which I can relate very closely to after Mike Lew's book.

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#402290 - 07/01/12 02:11 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Thanks for the book recommendation, I'm going to check it out.

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#402359 - 07/02/12 12:59 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: RollerCoaster]
Marcos Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 1
On Amazon, there are a couple books with that name (No More Mr. Nice Guy). Who is the author?

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#402374 - 07/02/12 02:28 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1339
My molester was "manly." That really screwed me up, because as I started coming into manhood, I was terrified I would turn into "him." There was another thread on the boards here about how so many of us look younger than our years - as if our growth was stunted. In my case, I wonder if I willed that. When he first started in on me, I still dreamed I would grow up to be a Bounty Paper Towel man - big and strong and masculine (flannel shirt optional). After he was in full swing with me, I was very reluctant about having any part of being "manly." I learned to hate the smell of a man, the feel of a man - I just never wanted to be that to anyone else.

My cat has it all figured out, however. Despite being neutered, he's still all macho male when it counts. He chases other cats from his territory, yet he'll snuggle in my lap without giving it a second thought. He catches the odd mouse and parades it around like a trophy in his mouth, yet he is not above crying and begging for me to feed him every day like a helpless baby. He has graceful, delicate, almost feminine lines, yet doesn't feel compelled to demonstrate that he is really the perfect hunting and killing machine - that every sinewy muscle fiber in his body is unapologetically designed to that end alone. And those who think he is not king of his jungle do so at their own risk.

It sounds dumb to talk about a cat, perhaps, but I really think the essence of what it really means to be a man is that primal. True - he didn't have the trauma perhaps that we experienced (although he did get neutered), he still stands as an example of what to attain. I suppose one could learn from him that being a strong male presence amongst one's peers means being strong inside where it really counts, and not necessarily outside where you have to show it. I think it comes from knowing himself just as much as he needs to - no more, no less - but knowing it well - and never feeling like he has to explain himself. He possesses enough self-confidence to completely relax in his own skin, close his eyes, and purr. He's strong enough to surrender himself to trust.

I don't know about you, but if I could do all that, I'd have the perfect "confident manly personality." He's all at once both the strongest and gentlest "man" I know.

And he's damned pretty, too.
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#402396 - 07/02/12 06:02 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: Marcos]
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Originally Posted By: Marcos
On Amazon, there are a couple books with that name (No More Mr. Nice Guy). Who is the author?

Robert Glover.

Reading through the first half of it, a lot of it fits me very well. It sucks because I can't hold a relationship with a woman b/c of this crap. I think I'm just being caring and attempting to listen to and help them with their problems, but apparently this is totally wrong. I can't hold onto a girl for a month, I just feel like giving up.

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#402400 - 07/02/12 06:31 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
Hi Chambers,

There is a difference between having confidence and being a "manly man."

Confidence is something you build, starting with small successes. Do things outside of your comfort zone, but not so much that you are not able to do them, at first. Eventually you will go further out of your comfort zone.

If you are uncomfortable around people, it might mean going to the movies, even if you go alone. Perhaps joining a group of people who share your interests. Conversation will develop, usually superficial at first. But since the focus is the hobby / activity, the conversations of a more personal nature will be minimal since most people will want to discuss the activity at hand. If you have a dog, going to the dog park or where other "dog people" congregate is a good place to have non-threatening conversations and interactions.

The more you do these kinds of things, the more you will become comfortable around others.

Also, learning how to say "no" goes a long way toward building self esteem, if you find that you frequently do things for others even if you that is not what you want to do. Recognizing your needs and telling others when you are, and are not, available to meet theirs is important. Though frightening at first to tell others "no," it is essential for building self esteem and self worth.

Developing self confidence and self worth will help you with relationships.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#402410 - 07/02/12 08:34 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
I think one of the first steps is recognizing that everyone has wants and needs and issues, just like I do. And that everyone has some version of this question that they have to deal with. Some people overcompensate aggressively and become jerks because of it, some people overcompensate the other way and become jerks because they can't be trusted to say what they really think. Then between the extremes we have the rest of the human race.

To me, as a man, being manly is being strong. To me that means strong enough to take myself seriously and to know that I can't be of any use to anyone else unless I know myself and can be clear to them about my boundaries, my needs, my wants and to be willing to hear their needs and wants and boundaries, too.

So much of social life is about balancing these boundaries.

The more generously honest I get about these issues, the better my social world becomes.

I think what people mostly need is to be heard, not necessarily to be satisfied. In other words if someone asks me to do something for them, I owe it to them to hear their request and then to respond honestly and swiftly.

I also know that we need each other. So sometimes it's a good thing to help each other out. So one has to watch the balance.

I think a lot of us end up like the giving tree, giving until there is nothing left. I think that's a bad thing to do. Much better to take the time to get to know oneself and to love that self. Then one can reach out to others as a whole man deserving of and at the same time freely giving respect.

What a fun thing to think about.

Thanks,

Danny

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#402428 - 07/02/12 10:53 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Anomalous, I was trying to take yoga classes at my local gym, but pulled my groin so I've had to take a break from that. There isn't really much talking there though. I don't know, I can go be around people but I tend to avoid talking to them because I don't really have any interest in it. I only want connection with a woman as a girlfriend and I am apparently terrible at that.

I think I need to spend more time on myself and who I am w/o worrying about others. The saying "no" thing is a part I need to work on as well.

Originally Posted By: DannyT


I think what people mostly need is to be heard, not necessarily to be satisfied. In other words if someone asks me to do something for them, I owe it to them to hear their request and then to respond honestly and swiftly.


Maybe you're right, I thought when people tell you their problems you're supposed to try and help. It seems that judging from my past 2 relationships they just wanted me to listen.

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#402463 - 07/03/12 11:06 AM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 07:09 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#402476 - 07/03/12 01:33 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: bodyguard8367]
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Thanks bodyguard, that makes sense.

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