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#402074 - 06/28/12 05:22 PM Confidence/self confidence/being manly
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
How do you build self confidence and have a confident manly personality? I'm a pretty shy and introverted person and I really don't become assertive until I've been pushed quite far or repeatedly. I don't know if this stems from the abuse or what. I'm just wondering how to fix this because it's causing problems with my relationships or attempts to form relationships. I appreciate any advice you guys have, thanks.

#402079 - 06/28/12 06:19 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

I've seen this topic before, thing is that I have been so hurt by manly men that I don't really want to be one of them.
The goal in my mind is to just be happy with me. I would love to be a confident gentle soul as opposed to a man's man.

Heal well Brother
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#402112 - 06/29/12 01:32 AM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
This is a complex issue that, for me, has its roots in my sense of self-worth(which is historically pretty damn low). For instance, when I was low I allowed myself to fall victim to circumstances. Lame everyday shit like overdrafts at the bank or snotty co-workers getting under my skin. Shit like that. I did not express myself or use the good sense to act in my own best interest. People and circumstances would get the better of me. This of course fueled the anger issues I also have. But it starts with believing that I am worthy of love and respect. From there I learned that it's ok to have healthy relationships. But when I felt I wasn't being respected I had to learn to express that in an effective, neutral way. That takes practice and is not easy for me b/c I am super sarcastic and no one responds well to a smart ass.

BTWI have to agree with WHOME on being "manly". Asserting your needs has no gender association. It is a human need. What would you think of me I admitted that I don't work.I stay home and cook and clean and take care of the kids. What If I said I drive a 4X4 truck and cut trees with a chainsaw and drive a John Deer tractor? Well I do both.
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

#402163 - 06/29/12 05:13 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
This is a timely post, because I have very low self worth. I have spent much time and energy trying to be someone for everyone. But they never knew it. I struggle to call myself a man at all, because my perception tells me I am nothing like them. Only, my idea of them is severely distorted. I am not a manly man, not even close. But then again, neither is my father. And yet despite having an ideal role model, I am constantly seeking to fit it with the "boys". I have gone to great lengths to satisfy this need to fit in all at the expense of myself. I am just not sure how to begin accepting the person that I am. I guess it starts by writing it and saying it.
I am the warrior.

#402240 - 06/30/12 06:02 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
I don't know if it's my sense of self worth or what, most of the time I don't care what people think, or at least that's what I tell myself. I don't think it's bad to be a sensitive guy or anything. Apparently that's exactly what I am, I never thought of myself that way though.

Recently I've kind of re-entered the world of being social, I'm not trying to be make friends, mostly looking for a relationship with a woman. It's pretty much just led to me feeling used and stepped on though.

Scotty I can relate to your sarcasm and dealing with people in ways that are apparently ineffective when I feel like they aren't treating me with respect. I also have anger issues as well.

Letourski I know how you feel about feeling like you're nothing like most guys. Every time I interact with another guy I feel no connection, just like I'm going through the motions. Maybe you're right about saying it, I accept who I am. I'm a loner and a sarcastic jerk on the outside but when it comes down to it I'm really a sensitive and caring person who just wants the world to accept me.

#402257 - 06/30/12 11:31 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
RollerCoaster Offline

Registered: 10/23/11
Posts: 47
Loc: PA, USA
I have been dealing with the same issue for a long time. Recently I came accross a book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". The title is misleading and gives the impression that it is about "how to be a jerk". Far from it, this book is about regaining self-confidence and a way to take care of once needs. It is very well written. I am half way through this book and I can see my life changing in small but significant ways. I feel more powerful to speak and take care of my needs. If you put others needs before yourself , this book is for you. If you find it difficult to fulfill your needs, this book is for you.

I accidently discovered it and saw very good reviews on amazon and bought it. This is the second book I found which I can relate very closely to after Mike Lew's book.

#402290 - 07/01/12 02:11 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Thanks for the book recommendation, I'm going to check it out.

#402359 - 07/02/12 12:59 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: RollerCoaster]
Marcos Offline

Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 1
On Amazon, there are a couple books with that name (No More Mr. Nice Guy). Who is the author?

#402374 - 07/02/12 02:28 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: chambers]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1529
My molester was "manly." That really screwed me up, because as I started coming into manhood, I was terrified I would turn into "him." There was another thread on the boards here about how so many of us look younger than our years - as if our growth was stunted. In my case, I wonder if I willed that. When he first started in on me, I still dreamed I would grow up to be a Bounty Paper Towel man - big and strong and masculine (flannel shirt optional). After he was in full swing with me, I was very reluctant about having any part of being "manly." I learned to hate the smell of a man, the feel of a man - I just never wanted to be that to anyone else.

My cat has it all figured out, however. Despite being neutered, he's still all macho male when it counts. He chases other cats from his territory, yet he'll snuggle in my lap without giving it a second thought. He catches the odd mouse and parades it around like a trophy in his mouth, yet he is not above crying and begging for me to feed him every day like a helpless baby. He has graceful, delicate, almost feminine lines, yet doesn't feel compelled to demonstrate that he is really the perfect hunting and killing machine - that every sinewy muscle fiber in his body is unapologetically designed to that end alone. And those who think he is not king of his jungle do so at their own risk.

It sounds dumb to talk about a cat, perhaps, but I really think the essence of what it really means to be a man is that primal. True - he didn't have the trauma perhaps that we experienced (although he did get neutered), he still stands as an example of what to attain. I suppose one could learn from him that being a strong male presence amongst one's peers means being strong inside where it really counts, and not necessarily outside where you have to show it. I think it comes from knowing himself just as much as he needs to - no more, no less - but knowing it well - and never feeling like he has to explain himself. He possesses enough self-confidence to completely relax in his own skin, close his eyes, and purr. He's strong enough to surrender himself to trust.

I don't know about you, but if I could do all that, I'd have the perfect "confident manly personality." He's all at once both the strongest and gentlest "man" I know.

And he's damned pretty, too.

Click my pic to see why I'm here

#402396 - 07/02/12 06:02 PM Re: Confidence/self confidence/being manly [Re: Marcos]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Originally Posted By: Marcos
On Amazon, there are a couple books with that name (No More Mr. Nice Guy). Who is the author?

Robert Glover.

Reading through the first half of it, a lot of it fits me very well. It sucks because I can't hold a relationship with a woman b/c of this crap. I think I'm just being caring and attempting to listen to and help them with their problems, but apparently this is totally wrong. I can't hold onto a girl for a month, I just feel like giving up.

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