** Triggers **

The Carpet. On the first day Face took a few of us junior staffers to the basement of the house. This was my first real interaction one on one with my new boss the camp director. I still don’t know his name but remember his FACE. We went to a stack of carpet. He started handing out carpet. When he got to me and the one on top was covered in mud. Not just muddy but completely covered. He took the mud covered carpet and another one almost as muddy around the corner and came back. Their was some kind of comment that he knew who’s they were from last year. Face didn’t go into further details when I asked for more info. He took a look at me, I mean he really checked me out look me up and down a few times. Then passed up the next piece of carpet in the stack to give me a very clean piece. He gave the not very clean one he passed up to the guy behind me.

I expected Face would have the guy behind me clean his carpet, but when I talked to the kid behind me he was unaware. He would have been unaware any favoritism had been shown had I not asked about having to clean his carpet. I had to explain why thought he might have to clean his. This conversation happened while where taking our carpets back to the tent.
( in foresight I see had already been selected. I keep telling myself to run but… but I can’t change the past no matter how much I want to.)

During the second week: one of the boys on the other end of the tent had been reprimanded for not having carpet. On my side of the tent Victim 4 had no carpet but had not been reprimanded. Victim 4 said that he had not been talked to but that he would probably hear about it that weekend. He had brand new carpet the next week.
( He had been hand selected and recruited for this. Victim 4 had it worse than me, but it may not have affected him as bad since he was already sexually aware and may not have been previously abused. On the other hand he was his favorite and had to ride home alone with the abuser, so it could have affected him worse.)

Inspection Week. It was the second week of camp, the first week of operation, inspection week. There was this flood light that plugged into a cigarette lighter in a car. Naturally I wanted to play with the flood light so I grabbed it, went, and was playing with it in my car. I didn’t think anything of it until another staffer came up and asked if I had gotten it from the dining room. Well apparently he was going to use it for astronomy. I was to do extra work as Punishment.

Face told me everything we were going to build out of the ties. We were going to build a new retaining wall at the end of a trailer. We were also going to build up sides of the land ship with ties. But we had to get authorization from the “committee” or something. The committee that came though approved the project, and we started working. The work was hard. The work on the retaining wall was punishment and so It was done after a day of merit badges and an hour on life guard duty. I fell right to sleep that night. I woke in the night cold. My blankets had bunched up and zipper come undone. I awoke un-rested.
( In foresight this is why even today I hate being overtired… It is something that began then and has continued tell now )
(You already know the punch line, I didn’t. The punishment didn’t fit the crime.)


Water Front. I was hired for scout craft but had been re-assigned to water front, at first I was happy, how lucky was I to the position everyone wanted. The trouble was I had no real knowledge on water front. They put me on the only merit badge I had: cannoning the merit badge every kid wanted, but I didn’t want cause I didn’t know it well. But the worst part about being on water front was being assigned an hour of life guard duty every day, when I could barely swim.

There was this one kid I specifically remember who knew how to swim swam well, could swim a mile in cold water, had the swimming and life saving merit badge, and that really wanted on water front – but I was on water front instead?
( How you going to put a kid who can only do two laps in a pool the bare minimum to be able to swim at the camp - on life guard duty? Answer: Wearing short shorts and tanning an hour a day is how face liked his favorites.)

When I complained about the fact that there was a danger, to one of the older staffers: I was told we would worry about it, if there was a problem. Fortunately we never had a problem, but I see this headline and see the Boy Scouts are still putting kids at risk. http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=16361829

Disturbances in the night. There were several disturbances in the night on the other end of the tent. No one would talk about what was going on. I noticed a lot secret conversions that other staff members would not talk about. Most of these conversations were between the two victim 2’s and sometimes Face.
( I thought we were dealing with a theft problem. I don’t know if both or just one of these kids was abused, and only know one name. The one’s who’s name I knew is dead.)

Nature. Water Front didn’t work out because I didn’t know it, and I had to be moved to nature. It took a great deal of kicking and complaining to get transferred. I didn’t know the kid who replaced me on canoeing but recall that he was very happy about the situation. Yet more merit badges I didn’t know where assigned to me in nature. One of these I didn’t even have yet, let alone possess the skills to teach. I learned the nature merit badges I had been assigned and did the best I could. My mother provided me with some books.
( She also loaned my brother some of the same books I used at camp.)

Booby Traps. Victim 2 proclaimed one day that he had enough and began to dig a hole under his carpet. He would not tell me why he was doing this. I thought that he was building booby traps to protect from a thief.
( In a way I was right about the theif, it just wasn’t our stuff he was trying to steal it was our innocence he wanted to take.)

Pee Hole. The tent flaps were being secured at night such that the Victim 2’s would not want to go out and pee in the night. They would pee in a hole over by my bed. The smell got to me and so I told Face. One of the Victim 2’s was primarily at fault and took the blame. He had to dig all the dirt out of that corner and replace it with clean dirt.
( I wonder if he also got the night time punishment too? I wish I had not told. Both because I wish the tent stayed closed and for some reason think he got the night time treatment when he was tired.)

One Sick Scout Master. The first time I heard of abuse it was at morning flag the second week of scout camp ( third if you include staff week) . There was an announcement that we should all be keeping an eye out for anyone who is not authorized to be in the area of the staff tents. Face had told everyone not to tell and so even now no details where forth coming. I asked a scout master that was there who appeared to know what was going on. All he said was, “we have one sick scout master out there.”

Fox guarding the chicken coop. I overheard a conversation between the two Victim 2’s and some other person, the conversation is about how it had happened again.
They asked “how did it happen, wasn’t Face standing guard?”
“He had to get some sleep at some point.” was the reply
( What a deal for him, because he was guarding us, he had a reason to be in the area so he could molest us when we were sleeping. At the same time no adults entered the area to disturb him for fear being labeled the pedophile. Any kids who caught him, he could just claim that kid had been responsible for some wrong doing.)

Sleepless Nights. I was still in trouble for playing with faces’ flood light. I had to spend more time working with ties. We where building the ties around the land ship where we did flag. Face had directed us where to put the ties. I was so tired that night. When I awoke in the middle of night I was cold, my blanket had become unzipped and by blanket bunched up and it took so long for me to get back to sleep. I was so tired in the morning I was so upset because I was so tired and did not get any rest. This was the second time this happened and it upset me so because I hate being over tired.

( It took us at least two days to do the ship. It was an immense ship outline with masts that we used for the flag ceremonies. It was 4 railroad ties high when we where done, and encompassed an area large enough for the entire camp to meet. I don’t have any idea how many times I was abused. Do have any idea what it fells like? – to not even know how many times you were abused…? The punishment did not fit the crime!!!! )

( When I was 17 I got in trouble for speeding. They made me plant trees. Only one was still alive, the last time I checked. I still check on them. Every time I found one dead it would make me sad. On the other hand when I was up to camp this last summer 2011 - I saw that the land ship - flag area -- had been removed. It made me happy. Now I know I disliked the ship in the first place because it was a reminder of the abuse. Now that I know why it made me happy, it makes me cry.)



Edited by ModTeam (07/01/12 10:44 AM)
Edit Reason: Trigger warning added.
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“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.