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#401912 - 06/27/12 09:58 AM The Pain of Wanting Affection_The Pain of Abuse
peacemaker67 Offline


Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 44
Loc: WI
I had some thoughts I wanted to put down a few minutes ago...I think they are somewhat as follows:
We only have to be touched inappropriately once for it to ruin us for a lifetime. I was reading thru a couple posts and realize for me that is a lot of my story. I was exposed to scenarios a few times that marred my value of being a decent human being; this has made it severely difficult for me to trust males. I see how my pain is so similar to so many. It doesn't matter who touched us or involved us...we have pain. And this pain includes the pain of wanting affection so badly inside, but then comes with the pain of also being afraid of being touched physically by a hug, pat on the back, anything related, because it might stir up those memories. I am very sensitive (can you not tell); I have worked on this a lot, but the inner part of me still hurts so badly from the pain I endured between the ages of 9 and 12...those last important formative years before we become the young men we are destined to become. I wanted to post this here as a "generic" of what I see is a "pattern" for most of us all. People just don't understand me. I don't try to pull away on purpose. It is just a reaction from what is "triggered" inside of me...it is so frustrating. I have found some good healing here since I have come. It is helping be a follow up for the therapy I have and still am following up with. You know, I used to think this was a journey, but I don't anymore. This is a DETOUR from the JOURNEY that was supposed to be the whole place we all should of gotten to experience. I refuse anymore to see this healing phase of my life as a JOURNEY. This detour comes with all the places that need to be fixed...all the places being rebuilt...and God knows only what else I could try to write here but is too unfathomable to put into words. This includes the pain from inside that screams so loudly at times I think it could shake a large building down, or even a section of the town in which I reside. The screams of anger from the unjust experiences that I have long ago endured. This is hard for me to share, but I feel this community is where I will spend a lot of the rest of my life because I feel genuinely cared for here. I hope this helps at least one other person here...I don't want to tell parts of my story and share things in vain...this is for me yes...and I also need to accept that if this helps just me it is worth it. We are each worth it.
_________________________
-Love is love when it is free; love is love when others don't feed on you as a "need".
-If we reach one person with betterment, and in turn that one reaches another, what power we have to change the world."
-We are all in our own prison cell and must learn ways to remove the walls so we can escape.

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#401939 - 06/27/12 12:46 PM Re: The Pain of Wanting Affection_The Pain of Abuse [Re: peacemaker67]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 54
Loc: PA, USA
Detour is a great word.
It always seemed that each incidence deflected my path a bit. Looking back I see that they weren't small course corrections, but major changes, DETOURS.

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#401957 - 06/27/12 03:22 PM Re: The Pain of Wanting Affection_The Pain of Abuse [Re: peacemaker67]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
SO I'm not the only one who is sensitive for this reason!!!! Wow. Thanks.

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#401987 - 06/27/12 10:58 PM Re: The Pain of Wanting Affection_The Pain of Abuse [Re: peacemaker67]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Thank you for sharing your honesty with us. I am learning to feel worth it. I have felt worthless for a long time. Time and repetition I guess. Heal well friend.
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#402005 - 06/28/12 12:45 AM Re: The Pain of Wanting Affection_The Pain of Abuse [Re: peacemaker67]
Human Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 61
Loc: private
Well put peace. This post helped me, it'll help countless others and I'm glad you feel it'll help you too! ((((Peacemaker)))) that hug is the begining of de-sensitsizing ya', ok man? haha!

Just today I began taking Omega fish oil 3-6-9, google it for encouraging & interesting info e.g. it helps PTSD and Sexual abuse surviors, Rape survivors and on and on...and it's not too costly.

Also, in chat a new member mentions EDMR...this interests me because I improved by lower back pain, a severe chronic condition for me, by using a "mechaincal" type of therapy. It requires no drugs, no ice, no heat, not even stretching or exercises...it simply moves the legs up and down gently for 12 minutes 2 or 3xs a day and after 6 weeks I was able to reduce my low back pain meds by 40%! This was enough to give me a significant part of my mobility back, enough to allow me to work more, again. smile

I think in many cases machines or man made things hurt us (mine a series of ski/snowmobile accidents, for others e.g. a car accident et cetera) and well, yep bad humans injured us.
Anyway, my point is I am amazed at how many non-drug therapies there are out there that actually work or at least augment and speed up recovery/improvement..."survivor to thriver", I like that! For now I am a survivor but there's hope for "thriver" yet!

Another example is my CPAP machine (continuos positive air pressure) a non-drug cure or close to a cure for sleep apnea.
I thought my tiredness was due to back pain meds, but it was largely sleep apnea. I no longer feel the tiredness. Before the cpap machine sometimes I would fall asleep while standing, driving and once in a big bowl of soup. When I came to snorting noodles and broth outta my nostrils I thought I had almost drown! LOL!

So, perhaps EDMR is a nice blend of mechanical and human treatment. I need to make time for a T and I want to try this EDMR.

Hang in there peace and don't be shy, ugh, easier said than done but not really over time. The deeper we go the muddier it gets, but eventually fresh sweet rain washes things anew.
Life is never perfect for anyone, but the world is a beautiful place...now if I could just remember where I left my jet, I'd fly to the sweet spots, with all sorts of friends of course!

Best,
Kurt

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#402080 - 06/28/12 06:23 PM Re: The Pain of Wanting Affection_The Pain of Abuse [Re: peacemaker67]
peacemaker67 Offline


Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 44
Loc: WI
Guys, thanks for the replies. It blesses me a lot to see the comments come back.
_________________________
-Love is love when it is free; love is love when others don't feed on you as a "need".
-If we reach one person with betterment, and in turn that one reaches another, what power we have to change the world."
-We are all in our own prison cell and must learn ways to remove the walls so we can escape.

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#402098 - 06/28/12 09:24 PM Re: The Pain of Wanting Affection_The Pain of Abuse [Re: peacemaker67]
Paul68 Offline


Registered: 06/28/12
Posts: 13
Loc: Australia
It's amazing that your words are exactley how I feel. It is one of the biggest things that I think I have to overcome. Wanting to feel affection and even to be able to give it as well. But not being able to have anyone be close to me or touching me makes it hard.

I guess as hard as it is we have to keep putting ourselves out there until these things feel normal.

Thanks Paul

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#403711 - 07/15/12 06:21 PM Re: The Pain of Wanting Affection_The Pain of Abuse [Re: peacemaker67]
peacemaker67 Offline


Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 44
Loc: WI
Man today has been hard...it's actually been harder every day for the past few days...I don't know why every July things get this way...something I guess I need to investigate...I get so depressed...I feel that hand going where it should have never been, and I have had so much unforgiveness burning inside of me...I see my one perp and feel him enjoying what he did. He said "everyone does it; it's normal"...grrr...how I hate those words!!! I will never judge anyone and their abuse by "how much abuse" they went thru. It only takes that one time and ur marred. How do you have a normal image after enduring something like that?? Especially when you didn't have a chance to escape because you didn't see it coming?? And the sicko!! If he didn't want to enjoy that feeling and cause me the pain he did, he never would have done it...and I've been told he felt impeded by me, threatened, that I made him feel insecure. We weren't even friends...how vulnerable little children are. Again I found myself struggling today and wasn't going to write, but what the heck?? I mean, I am not gaining anything by keeping my mouth shut again except more wound up and miserable and making poor choices. I am treating those around me badly, shutting them out, shutting them down, and the pain is so intense. If you don't believe me, I understand. That's why I don't try to trust people easily and make relationships...because the amount and frequency of the abuse should not be quantified as a measure of one's pain...you can't imagine how I feel...nor can I imagine how you feel. But I do know that the pain is wrenching. It does decline and get better; I do know that. I have accomplished much healing, but today I roar with pain.


Edited by peacemaker67 (07/15/12 06:22 PM)
_________________________
-Love is love when it is free; love is love when others don't feed on you as a "need".
-If we reach one person with betterment, and in turn that one reaches another, what power we have to change the world."
-We are all in our own prison cell and must learn ways to remove the walls so we can escape.

Top
#403854 - 07/16/12 11:35 PM Re: The Pain of Wanting Affection_The Pain of Abuse [Re: peacemaker67]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1867
Loc: durham, north england
Wow peacemaker, you might not "know how I feel" but you've done a dam good job of describing it laugh.

Sometimes being without physical affection, just a hug, holding hands or a touch on the back is so painfull it hurts,physically hurts!

It's extremely odd, I'm hugely tactile in sensation and description, I love the feel of different things, fabrics, objects, but human touch? no way, it just causes me to shut down, to freeze, to become cold. Even from my parents, indeed my mum has sometimes accused me of being unpleasant if she attempts to give me a hug and I utterly go still, even though my abuse was not committed by an adult, and certainly not at hme, which also means the younger the person the worse it is, especially if that person is female.

I have absolutely no answers to this, I'm pretty certain if someone approached me in the right way I'd be alright, indeed I have one friend i'm very close to wo is probably the only person who I can accepta hug from and not have a panic attack, but that's only because she is so straight forward it's unbelieveable.

The only thing I will say is that as I said in This thread animals can really help with trouble with physical affection, and provide some of that lacking need, sinse animals can be affectionate, physically present and communicative without any triggers or concerns.

I absolutely love my dog, indeed during my abuse my previous dog was the only creature who i felt save being close to.

It's quite odd, with humans I'm absolutely anti physical affection at all, though I've often felt a quite paradoxical need for it, yet with animals I'm the opposite way round, and will be the first person to bend down to talk to a dog or have a cat jump on my knee. In fact, rather oddly enough animals actually get on with me rather well. On one occasion I even met a gorilla who absolutely loved me for some reason, which was a great experience.

so, it's not all bad in terms of physicall affection, even if it's not quite there.

Lastly I agree on June and july being the hardest months of the year. For me this is because for a long while I've been a student, thus quite often my friends and other social activities stop in June/july, leaving me very much on my own merrits. Also, I've now got my thesis which is due in in september, so right now I'm rather alone trying to get work done.

Next year I absolutely intend to do something majorly fun in July, maybe even see if I can find a holliday somewhere extreme, just to try and break this cycle of reverced sad I've been in for the past few years.

It's quite ironic, I find july even haarder than literally being snowed in in december as I have been a couple of times, which is very weerd.

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#405277 - 07/30/12 07:56 AM Re: The Pain of Wanting Affection_The Pain of Abuse [Re: peacemaker67]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 106
Loc: Quebec-Canada
no you did not have a chance to escape Steven, You were to young and also you were going true something at a very normal stage, your own sexuality.

Jp

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