Newest Members
Anony_mous, Drew6991x, Miro, jj843, The Abyss
12364 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Bear (42), BoyNoMore (56), Daniel_05 (40), James Landrith (44), john kay (41)
Who's Online
5 registered (pufferfish, pattom, Thebo, 2 invisible), 21 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12364 Members
74 Forums
63546 Topics
443993 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 4 of 7 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 >
Topic Options
#403184 - 07/10/12 06:12 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3607
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Mathew,
I'm not sure was that about new post at all good idea but I'll try to explain why I wrote it.
It seems to me that some people are easily forgotten and they are talking only and exclusively by its perspective and by doing so obviously hurting some of you guys here making your free space at this forum for ASA men even smaller.
I'm sure that some folks are not aware of their actions and maybe written information would be more easily understood for them.
Secondly some of ASA people have for sometime been moved to let say kind of underground at MS, they are felt forgotten, unheard and at the end prohibited to talk openly about some their issues (I'm not familiar with specific history but this what I said are facts).
So if we would like to make more than clear what is all this about and what you brothers need in this forum; and it is obvious that officially framework is set from beginning (and you guys are still hurt by talks about issues that are not directly connected to ASA problematic) it seems to me good idea to put list of instructions for good behavior for people who are posting here? This is just my thinking aloud.
I mean there are regular talks in some posts about these issues in ASA forum but at MS there is some dynamics, new people are coming and some mistakes could be repeating purely because it is not "clear enough" that this is space for themes related to your problems guys? And why not to write your wishes how others should behave in this forum with goal to make you feel more accepted here?
Above all this, it seems to me that many survivors (all: ASA and CSA) are let say "stubborn" sometimes (very lightly said) and very difficult to handle bunch of people so it might be needed more than explicitly to give instructions of desirable behavior in try to change this culture of not caring and not tolerating others.
I'm not sure does all this what I said have sense but you guys have my full support.
I will certainly try in future to look for themes and articles that could be interesting for ASA men and post it here.
Be well!
Pero
_________________________
My story

Top
#403206 - 07/10/12 08:53 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: peroperic2009]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
this periopic is a cut ans paste of the guideline right in the forum for the ASA forum

Gentlemen, Please remember that this forum is about Adult Sexual Assault, ASA, and not Child Sexual Abuse, CSA. While there may well be a certain amount of discussion of the differing or similar impacts of either as a topic unfolds, please do not "hijack" a thread in this forum from discussions of ASA to that of CSA. Thanks.4r
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

Top
#403244 - 07/11/12 07:24 AM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3607
Loc: South-East Europe
Thanks Tyr,
here is cut/past sentence from introduction part of this forum:
"This forum is a place where male survivors who have been sexually abused or assaulted as adults can come to discuss their experiences and issues and seek support from fellow adult abuse survivors."

I hope we all will follow these instructions more promptly and make you guys feel more accepted here smile
And as I wouldn't like to hijack this thread I'd like if conversation could proceed further about stuff that we other should know about ASA.
Pero
_________________________
My story

Top
#403288 - 07/11/12 12:33 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
J.Bytendorp Offline
User
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/09/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Salt Lake CIty, Utah
Thank you guys for your willingness to be open about this topic. It is a concern that myself and the other moderators have been discussing. Sadly, it is hard to set up block for only ASA to access the forum because we never know peoples background. I try to read through the posts twice a week and try to get rid of comments that compare or minimize the ASA community. Please let me know how I can be of more support to you so you feel comfortable and safe opening up in this forum. If I do miss a post, please feel free to let me know. I admit that sometimes I read things and view it differently than some other people. We are all survivors here and even among the ASA our experiences are different, my experience as an ASA is different than all of yours and well all need different things to heal.

For those who are CSA and for everyone, there are guidelines established for post, please read and familiarize yourself with them.

Joshua Bytendorp

Top
#403293 - 07/11/12 12:56 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
its a delicate line and thanks for opening the line of communication. i guess something needs to occur because matthews post sums it up forme too. ive been coming here for months and i see guys view but rarely post. and then there are a few guys with csa issues that come here and i think they are trying to seek something that theyre not getting or not getting enough of from the ten plus forums with sub threads and topics and they pick fights or say they "had no idea" and then we feel as adult survivors a tad more on the defense. it makes a circular loop in which people feel less apt to post... we are men and experienced fairly recent trauma, violent more likely than not, and i cant speak for others but when i send concerns to Modteam, i never get a reply even on acute things so... i dont know. we really need to have this be a place for us. if we constantly have to re explain csa v asa it makes it a serious distraction bordering on detriment for betterment of asa matters.

does that make sense
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

Top
#403294 - 07/11/12 01:01 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I wish others would know that my intensity in expressing anger and resentment, in uncertainty, in fear and hesitation was temporary. So many times I became anxious about a situation or challenge that turned into hesitation, stress and anger and I would snarl at the hands of those who would support me. If I could have only told them I could not do what they were asking, that I was uncomfortable or unwilling with enough resolution that they would ask someone else, or better yet, do what they wanted themselves.

Yet time and again, feelings of responsibility and a desire to lead others put me in situations that overwhelmed me, and I let some down. I felt regret that I chose a negative emotional response instead of verbalizing my discomfort. I gave them no choice. I was their leader, their model and when I said "no", they were crushed. I set myself up as the provider, when I really wished they had seen my hurt and pain, the abuse I suffered when I was sure of myself, when I was confident in my own abilities.

I wish I would have shown them that, and I wish they would have seen it. I am glad I did finally. Some see it now, thankfully. Some do not, so be it.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#403299 - 07/11/12 01:28 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: SamV]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
back on actual topic.

i wish that others could look at me as a person,
i wish that people could understand what its like when you give a fight your all and its not enough.
i wish others could try and realize... Im an adult and help me heal with patience rather than platitudes.

I wish I could be invisible and not deal with it at all.

I wish many things. but i know many wont happen.
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

Top
#403422 - 07/12/12 04:34 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 947
Loc: southern California
Tyr,
Your post is superb. Your words are worth publishing.

I am glad to see this thread alive and active.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

Top
#403435 - 07/12/12 06:49 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
I wish:
•professionals did not think l was bi-courious or hussling same sex encounters
*I was walking down the street at 11AM on a October morning in 1977
•"he would have to kill me first" did not apply
*I grew up tough very street wise and exposed to life beyond my peers. At 16 years old l was living in the Alaska, had been in the bush for five years and when my family moved to Redondo Beach in So. California l stayed for another nine months alone..went to school and lived without parental supervision or contact untill rejoining the family. I dropped school because l had lived beyond my peers and began working full time at Kings Marina doing restoration on sailboat woodwork..I earned $1.50 an hour in Febuary 1975, I drank beer l bought and had money from side jobs too...when l joined the Marine Corps in August 1975 I was earning $4.50 on the boats and contracting wood finishing and painting work..l'd ride my bike, hitch or have mom drive me...I had to go thru some tough neighborhoods and sometimes bus routes would take me into/out of bad ones. I was a tough, confident and story telling kid...people liked me. In the Marines my nickname in bootcamp was Smiley. My first station, Marine Barracks was in the triple canopy jungle at Subic Bay Philippines patrolling and catching armed intruders in the Naval Magazine..ammunitions storage...and in Olongapo City it was triple-sex..not just a district...this whole town was fuck city and rough. If l wanted same sex encounters it was very common and available. I hooked and jabbed the whole Luzon island from street level...From the Makati District to the provinces..did the whole Battan Hwy on public bus viewing WW ll memorials...the Death Hwy. None of my peers did that shit. When l got drunk one night and picked up a street walker, lower than a club girl, it turned out to be a Bennie Boy..he/she was sucking my dick when l realized it and l pounded him one..others came in the room..like more than six..l had one down and picked up a fan then offensively got the fuck out of there. It was after curfew, martial law..l shadowed my way back towards base..saw a shore patrol van and stepped out...they took me back to the rooming house and confirmed what happened. We laughed about it on the ride to the Main Gate..l walked the ten miles back to Cubi Pt. and the next day we laughed about it as it was retold to my buddies. When l got back to America I volunteered and was accepted into the toughest field unit the Marine Corps has, 1st Recon Battalion. Hazing in this place usually resulted in blood shirts and bruises of Honor...l was trained in tough ass shit offensive, defensive and mental/physical endurance. I knew limitation and strength..how to create it.
Then in October 1977 everything l knew instinctively or learned made me ready to survive a deception as l walked down the street in San Clemente California..false trust from a normal looking man who needed help..a ruse...and l poured up a drink he had in the car myself. The Vodka or the bottle of orange juice was laced with barbituates. On the second glass l blacked-out.
Many hours later l came aware..my Moment of Doom...my first thought was l am drugged, going to be raped and likely end up dead. I was still in the car, it was dark and l unwillingly complied. Survival mode when fight or flight is not an option is redline/flatline shit the mind and body must deal with.
I remember a few months later wanting to kill him, track him down..it would have been easy..l knew where he fucking lived. l knew he had killed others..he talked about it. What he did to me..the evidence on my body included bite/burn.(Some of you know that five years ago l found out he killed sixty-seven known and is on death row..caught May 1983 driving at 1AM with a dead Marine)
Even now at 54 years old l am a tough MF'er.
I tell when asked why l did not fight back..I did and l won. Then they ask how and l explain what to do when deadly assaults occure, before it becomes a reality.
•sex crime victim mentality
*Moments after disclosure l asked myself in utter flatline...Why didn't l tell someone?
I distinctly recalled during the silent ride back, after the night of terror l was thinking...How am I not going to tell anyone what happened! l lied about the evidence and said l was at an orgy yet l incorporated actual events of the abduction. After leaving the Marines the version changed to I Got Away but incorporated the truth and fiction.
Fucked up thing is all those thirty years everyone believed the lies..then when l disclosed and confronted many did not believe me..especially the U.S. Gov/Veterans Mental Health people.
Everyone else knows its the truth..can't fake the end result.
•other men knew professional and peer surpport is available
* Nothing worse than needing therapy for previous therapy. There are great therapists and then there are harmful therapists out there. I wish l had known what to do after disclosure. I didn't find this site until after confrontation and over a year past disclosure..by then l had done everything wrong. I was a bigger mess.

Thanks JB for stepping up and taking responsibility as Mod for the ASA Forum. When l read the announcement l was courious...the forum was failing and so since l had never seen any posts or replies..like you just popped in..l was leary and since your Story was not available l googled your name.
I found your off-site advocacy and support an affirmation that you will move this online forum to a healthy and safe place for ASA members. So thanks for all you do in both realms.
_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

Top
#403531 - 07/13/12 05:56 PM Re: What do you wish other people knew about ASA [Re: J.Bytendorp]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
•just get over it
* When someone says this l tell them l got over it for three decades and then l just couldn't handle it any longer and now l am getting thru it.

I recall when l first heard The Eagles song, Get Over It. That was just last summer a year ago. It first mad me mad and sad. Now after countless times hearing it on purpose, sometimes over and over on the computer, phone or MP3 it has become a milestone in this journey.
I also listen to Eagles, Learn To Be Still.

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

Top
Page 4 of 7 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.