I’ve known the “facts” for many years as far as what my older brother did to me. I’m now beginning to understand what happened to me. I’m seeing the awful truth of what happened and I’m connecting the dots bit by bit as to how that affects me today.
For so long I’ve known this ‘stuff’ has affected me and I can easily logically explain what the psychological effects are on a victim/survivor like me. But now I’m understanding and seeing what he did to me.
He simply used me for his own gratification. He lacked normal intimacy and connection with my detached parent just like I did. But he chose to get some of that from me my having sex with me.
He brainwashed me into thinking what we were doing was not only normal but that it was THE way of gaining that intimacy.He groomed me to expect it, and even want it, then when it didn’t happen I was left disappointed, betrayed and it made me feel dirty and guilty for wanting it. He helped with that message by being disgusted with me the few times I tried to initiate what he taught me to do.
Until next time. Then the message that my mind accepted was that I must have been wrong. He does like me after all. Again. Until he abandoned me again.
He twisted my growing up thoughts that all touch is sexual and that intimacy can only be had by having sex and in a ‘bad’ unhealthy way. He taught me to despise intimacy and he taught me to fear all contact with all males ‘cos all they would do was what he did to me.
I know all that of is not really true for me today but I have that little boys’ mind and memory inside my head. He now over-protects me. That lesson of expecting all males to sexually molest me really stuck.
I find some solace in that fact that I’m really starting to see what happened to me and how it affected me. The historical memory is staring to meld with my present day. I trust it will also lead me to continued healing.