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#40160 - 05/10/01 01:17 AM An Intro and a call for Youngins (well 20 somethings)
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hey all,
I am in the quagmire of processing my own childhood sexual abuse and I'm sure as many of you know, it's quite like nothing else. One of the things I am consistently frustrated with is that I can't find anyone my age to discuss the stuff with. I'm not sure why, but i think having other guys in their 20's (I'm 24) would somehow help me in not feeling so different and aberrant. I've definitely come a long way in my own validation of the sexual abuse, but i still have a lot to go. It's nice knowing there are men out there struggling with this too.
Take care all,
jeb ;\)


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#40161 - 05/10/01 01:43 AM Re: An Intro and a call for Youngins (well 20 somethings)
Brian B14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
Welcome Jeb,

I just found this site a few days ago. There seems to be a lot of supportive people here.

I've keep my secret for 26 years (I'm 36 now)and made some HUGE steps this past week. I've tracked down my abuser, and told 2 of his neighbors my story. I've cried more these past 6 days than I have in my entire life. This is only the begining. These next few weeks are going to be the most difficult of my life. I can't wait until its over. Then I will have a whole new problem (refer to my COWARD post)

If you read the posts, you will find a few people who are close to your age. From what I can tell, This is a pretty diverse group.

Good Luck on your road to recovery,

Brian

[ 05-10-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]


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#40162 - 05/10/01 02:13 AM Re: An Intro and a call for Youngins (well 20 somethings)
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
I did not trust anyone older then me ethier. Once I lived through a time when I set up the bust, for the police to catch him red handed and the knife inside of me, every time the police came close, for that day, I would cuss them out, for not protecting me. I was only 12 then. It takes time and trust.
fmighell Anc Ak


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#40163 - 05/10/01 05:08 AM Re: An Intro and a call for Youngins (well 20 somethings)
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Parts of my 20's were good and parts were bad. Hope you continue to find someone safe to talk to daily. There are many people here to learn from read the posts. you are welcome here. I'm now 38, do not know how I got to this age so quickly, I feel 24 if that is any consonlation.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#40164 - 05/10/01 09:59 AM Re: An Intro and a call for Youngins (well 20 somethings)
tuckermd Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/01
Posts: 5
Loc: Fairbanks, Ak
Hey Jeb,

I am also 24. I like you am looking for people my own age to connect with. I am in a support group that has been great, but the youngest guy is like 40! We relate on lots of subjects, but I keep getting this kid feeling around older men. It is hard since I have never even been able to connect with men. My abusers were female, but I hate men? I hope to meet some guys my age, I feel it will help out the healing process. Good luck, God Bless.


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#40165 - 05/10/01 01:03 PM Re: An Intro and a call for Youngins (well 20 somethings)
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
Hello im derek, im a 24 yr old survivor. There are others out there like us in their 20's but alot of guys dont say anything until later in their life. I think thats why there seems to be more guys a little older?? But i think its great that you are here talking about whats bothering, its wonderful and I am proud of you and everyone of us!!! You are standing up for yourself, no matter how hard it is. You are not alone and there is alot of support out there for you.

After years of hell, I am finally starting to realize some things in my life.

1. bad things happen to good people, but good things can come out of a bad situation. An example: the bad thing would be of course me being molested, the good thing that came out of this happening is that now i am a stronger person and now I can help others who have been molested. I would never been able to understand and relate to survivors if I hadnt been molested. Now I have my own website for survivors. Secrets No More, http://gala.wccnet.org/~dstephen/secrets

2. Recovery and healing, it must all come from within us. Support is wonderful, but in the end it is up to us.

3. Love yourself, and don't be afraid to love others. How often do we give love away, and all this time never loved ourselves???

4. Letting go, Unfortunetly how horrible the pain and how hellish the grief we must let go of the past at sometime in our lives. But no on has the right to tell you when to do this, you decide when its right.

5. Forgive yourself, we all harbor guilt. For whatever reason it is, whether if its because we never said anything or etc, we have to realize that we were children and didnt know any better. We were scared, confused and lost. IT IS NOT OUR FAULT!!!!

6. Confront your fears head on, this maybe the toughest thing to do. But once we do this , we can deal with the past and our feelings.

7. Dont be afraid to ask for help and dont wait to long to ask for it!! When we are depressed we isolate ourselves and hide from the world. The deeper we dive into seculusion, the harder it is get out!!!

Well i hope this helps, i care for each and everyone of you. Hang in there, it will get easier.

Love ya all,
Derek

_________________________
I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

http://itismytimetoshine.wordpress.com

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#40166 - 05/10/01 11:45 PM Re: An Intro and a call for Youngins (well 20 somethings)
Anonymous
Unregistered


damn you guys, you have no idea how nice it is knowing you are out there. Thanks for all of the replies. Hope all is well, jeb


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#40167 - 05/23/01 07:26 AM Re: An Intro and a call for Youngins (well 20 somethings)
tuckermd Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/01
Posts: 5
Loc: Fairbanks, Ak
Hey Guys,

I have a question or need some advice. I happen to be good friends with a woman who abused me. I did not become aware of the abuse until I entered therapy. I have not spoken to her in sometime and found out recently that she is moving. I feel this urge to speak with her about what happened. She is one of several abusers but the first I have felt the need to confront. To make matters even odder is she is best friends with my ex, whom I still love but we have not spoken for sometime either. I would like to speak with my abuser, but not sure how to approach it, and how to handle her friendship with my ex. Advice anyone?

God Bless


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#40168 - 05/23/01 03:35 PM Re: An Intro and a call for Youngins (well 20 somethings)
Anonymous
Unregistered


Tucker,
If that's not a conundrum I don't know what is. The first thing you should know about confronting abusers is they often don't give you what you want. Rarely do they say "yes, I hurt you and I'm sorry." Usually they marginalize the abuse and will just say you are over reacting. My opinion: If you are able to readily admit to yourself that a lot of damage has been done because of the abuse and are past the stage of invalidation (yes, it hurt...BUT it wasn't that bad), and are pretty far into your recovery, then go for it. Make sure you meet her in a neutral place where you can escape if necessary and your not on her turf. Depending on your relationship with your ex, talk to her about it. Bring down those walls of secrecy. Your ex probably knows the 2 of you better than anyone else and could potentially facilitate a conversation.
Good luck,
jeb


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#40169 - 05/23/01 04:25 PM Re: An Intro and a call for Youngins (well 20 somethings)
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Tucker,

I am wondering what it is your looking for from talking to her, like jeb said, getting validation is very rare, an apology and taking responsibility is even rarer.

When you say your good friends with the woman who abused you, i can relate to that, and if you are good friends you may very well be able to tell her how her actions and words affected you, as for her reaction, who knows, one thing i would caution you on, use your own words and leave any reference to your therapist out of the conversation, if she gets uncomfortable with what your saying and can blame it all on a therapist she may try to do that. You might consider doing some writing before hand about what you want to say to her, maybe rehearse it a bit even, its always a tough one to get through, you may need some notes for yourself even.

As far as your ex goes, i would leave her out of the conversation and picture as mush as possible, why complicate things for yourself.

Like Jeb said, do it in a neutral place and have an *escape* plan for yourself just in case you feel the need to get out of there in a hurry.

I hope that whatever you decide to do you come out the other end of it feeling better than when you went in, i wish the best for you on this one, its a tricky one.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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