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#401529 - 06/24/12 11:06 AM The Portrayal of Non-Com Sex in Fiction
theredhairedcrow Offline


Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 20
Loc: Germany
This is a really, really big issue for me, and I hope those here can understand, but I am a writer and many of my characters are gay or are in gay situations or lifestyles. It is reflective of my own life, just as the stories often address adult men dealing with the after effects of abuse.

One of the biggest problems I have, I must admit, and I've been vilified by some other writers for it, is these writers of m/m or gay fiction, many of whom are female, portray male characters enjoying rape, or showing relationships with rape or non-com sex where the man eventually submits as being the indicative of gay relationships. Also, though certainly it happens, non-com or abusive sex is seen as normal or a part of every gay man's life.

Often it is portrayed "that ejaculation means 'wanting it'" as someone commented on another forum thread here, and then the person will be submissive and fall in love into what was effectively their rapist. I know some may just say this is fiction, their fantasy, but some people believe it and it affects how they treat those who have really been abused. It can also affects how gays are seen as a whole, that non-com sex is part of our regular lives. Is this the basis of why when someone who is gay comes forward to say they've been raped it is disbelieved or scoffed even more than heterosexual rape? Sometimes it is even turned into a "you liked it didn't you" situation because you may have ejaculated.

My point in asking is, do you feel some of this misrepresentation can be hurtful to abuse survivors or GLBTIIQ people who try to get help? If so, what do you think could or should be done about it...besides some writers like myself who try to write accurate views, the negative or positive, about gay life even if its fiction?
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My website, Songs of the Universal Vagabond, http://redhaircrow.com/

My story on MS forums: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=390668#Post390668

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#401541 - 06/24/12 12:42 PM Re: The Portrayal of Non-Com Sex in Fiction [Re: theredhairedcrow]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1305
Hi, Crow...

.....Caution Triggers.....

I think you are addressing the crux of the issue - the dynamics of sexual abuse. To me sexual abuse is a theft of intimacy, a theft of love, a theft of sexual response. The dynamics may differ with the situation, type of assauult, CSA vs ASA, but I really think the definition of theft is a common truth. When I was 12 or 13, if my molester had beat me up every day instead of having sex with me, it would still be abuse, but at least I would understand my reactions to it.

As far as the physiological response a male experiences as a victim of rape, I think the dynamics are similar. It seems a cruel trick of nature that pain and shame can be so mixed with sexual response and the catharsis we think we buy into during the rape. I was only physically forced once when I was 21 and my body's response was so misaligned with the fear, pain and anguish in my head that it felt like I was two different people during the attack. It is a terrible splitting process to go through, and in the end the reconciliation - for me at least - involved self-blame and an "I must have liked it" conclusion. I did not know for a long time after that that the physiology just worked like that. Even though you seem to suggest it is common knowledge with many, it was definitely not a dynamic I expected or knew about. I just thought it was me.

I think it was tremendously helpful when I realized that. It added some sense to a confusing situation. I was assaulted and reacted the only way I - and my body - knew how to. I really didn't like it, as I had known all along. Until that realization, the jury in my head had convinced me otherwise. I reclaimed myself a little with that knowledge.

I never "fell in love" with the guy that raped me, nor with the serial molester who regularly abused me when I was barely a teenage boy. In fact I hated both of them. Intensely. I don't know why people would fantasize a victim would fall in love with their attacker, but if that happened, perhaps it could be another way to desperately reconcile the two halves of a victim split by sexual abuse - a way to change the reality from having love stolen to giving love. Perhaps that empowers the victim by changing the reality. Then again, it could be a surrender. I surrendered at some point to my CSA abuse, and those feelings were deeply tied to a feeling I was no longer salvageable. When you're drowning, there comes a point where you stop thrashing and try to find whatever peace you can with the reality you are in. But I don't know - I'm only relating personal experience and expounding from there so this is really speculation. It's a tough place to go. Good luck with this.
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#401550 - 06/24/12 01:31 PM Re: The Portrayal of Non-Com Sex in Fiction [Re: theredhairedcrow]
theredhairedcrow Offline


Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 20
Loc: Germany
Thank you for your reply, and I appreciate your perspective but what I am not talking about is someone reconciling the halves though I absolutely know how victims themselves rationalize it that way. There are times when we've had to somehow to do so to survive the event initially.

I wasn't speaking as a survivors perspective but writers specifically in this genre who are non-male, non-gay and non-survivors of that sort who regularly and wrongly portray gay life, love and relationships as being based on non-com sex or where it is commonly a part of their dynamics. The rationalization or surrender for survival within sexual abuse is different from simply having writers misrepresent rape and non-com sex for gain in their fantasies of what being gay is about.

I question how this growing trend of writers representing gay life, or only writing it as they imagine and what gives them sexual titillation can actually have an negative impact on the perception of gay and their struggles in real life.


Edited by theredhairedcrow (06/24/12 01:33 PM)
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"Always be kinder than necessary, you never know what someone is going through."-Anonymous Quote

My website, Songs of the Universal Vagabond, http://redhaircrow.com/

My story on MS forums: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=390668#Post390668

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#401553 - 06/24/12 02:16 PM Re: The Portrayal of Non-Com Sex in Fiction [Re: theredhairedcrow]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1305
I suppose I don't see the trend or never really looked at it. I suppose some of what they say may resonate with their readership. But I wonder how representative that readership is to any meaningful perspectives in a more general sense.
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#401693 - 06/25/12 07:13 PM Re: The Portrayal of Non-Com Sex in Fiction [Re: theredhairedcrow]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
The solution to bad speech is more speech.

If you want meta-revenge, write a story about a woman writer who writes about male-male rape in a dishonest way.
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#401755 - 06/26/12 07:22 AM Re: The Portrayal of Non-Com Sex in Fiction [Re: theredhairedcrow]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Well... for my part I can relate to the falling in love with an abusor. I seem to have a huge talent for the stockholm syndrome.

To me, litterature seems often so black and white. Like, abused falls in love with abusor and then everything is fine and they live happily and it was all good (both male and female victims I've seen portrayed this way) Or the abused have only hate for abuser, fights back and gets free.

What I think is needed are the nuances. The part where the abused who fell in love hates the abuser at night, having nightmares and then makes him breakfast and kisses him in the morning, thinking he/she's mentally ill for thinking so bad things about the abusor.

Or the abused who hates, fights back and leaves and then starts to miss abusor, comes back, tries to talk about it, gets abused again and hates, fights back, leaves, then talks on the phone for weeks missing the abuser, makes him seek therapy, move back in and so on and so forth.

It's like either you have worm loving feelings for the abusor and then it is not abuse and never was and you wanted it all along. Or you hate him/her and then you can never have double feelings.

I think writing about abuse in a more real way, with people having real emotional reactions like real people, would be an eye opener. Reality is not that black and white. And writing about male sexual abuse in order to make it seem hot is just disgusting. It's just as damaging as the porn industry portraying women as secretly wanting all kinds of abuse. It's fiktion but it affects the way people se women and so does this affect the way people see gay men/abused men.

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#401996 - 06/27/12 11:45 PM Re: The Portrayal of Non-Com Sex in Fiction [Re: theredhairedcrow]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 310
Loc: Ohio
As a writer, I think you can certainly write from your truth, write and share about why you write it that way in interviews and what-not, and write articles about the use or misuse as the case may be of non-com sex and misrepresentation in gay fiction writing much as you are doing here.

I think if you try to single out specific individuals or groups of individuals writing in a way you object to, that may be less fruitful. I'm simply not certain that is a wise battle to choose. I'd suggest simply writing and sharing from your truth with it, and building from the response there.

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#402376 - 07/02/12 02:34 PM Re: The Portrayal of Non-Com Sex in Fiction [Re: theredhairedcrow]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 07:07 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#403091 - 07/10/12 02:30 AM Re: The Portrayal of Non-Com Sex in Fiction [Re: theredhairedcrow]
wgrrcb Offline


Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 32


Edited by wgrrcb (02/20/13 03:35 PM)

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#403874 - 07/17/12 05:06 AM Re: The Portrayal of Non-Com Sex in Fiction [Re: theredhairedcrow]
hankrigby Offline


Registered: 07/05/12
Posts: 15
I walked away from a masters in psychology because of this tactic. I wanted to study male sexuality, more to the point the psychological rededication of male to male sexual abuse. At the time I had no idea why I was so passionate about that subject. I found the feild at the time backward and unopen to the idea that sexual abuse has such an impact on boys molested by men and boys. I am so glad I didn't know or remember my abuse at that time it would not have ended with me turning my back on the feild.

The smug look on my professor's face when he casually dismissed my endeavor, I wonder if he was a survivor or perhaps even a predator. I have since found that was a grosse claim on his part.

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